The thing about the rain here is that it's almost as if our ground has no idea what to do with it. Like birds and coconuts. Penguins and high-fives. Magnets and Juggalos. If our rain doesn't have somewhere easy to park itself, like a downstream flood-friendly town of some kind, then it just rushes around breaking sh*t around whatever hapless area it pissed down on. A mindless, listless menace. I can't tell you how many times I've come out to my street-parked vehicle in the morning to find what looks like a whole goddamn bail of hay, peppered with used diapers, wrapped around the most uphill tires. Obviously the work of a sh*t-river which, having no where else to wreck havoc, took over my street while I slept. more ›

You may not realize this, but in 1492 when George Washington wrote the Constitution, the entire world was watching on closed circuit television. It was like we were the baby Jesus in that barn, with England and France as our virgin parent-handlers, and the rest of the infinite universe as the sheep being watched over by Germany, Earth's kindliest human shepherds. more ›

And just before I completely blacked out from severe blunt force trauma (her hams against my head), Sweet Cream and strawberries all over everything, I noticed that my torn left ear had fallen into my lap. Yes, I just made that last moment up. more ›

*The views expressed in Truesday are those of the author and do not represent Austinist as a whole. Thank heavens.* -The Editors more ›