You may not realize this, but in 1492 when George Washington wrote the Constitution, the entire world was watching on closed circuit television. It was like we were the baby Jesus in that barn, with England and France as our virgin parent-handlers, and the rest of the infinite universe as the sheep being watched over by Germany, Earth's kindliest human shepherds. ...

And just before I completely blacked out from severe blunt force trauma (her hams against my head), Sweet Cream and strawberries all over everything, I noticed that my torn left ear had fallen into my lap. Yes, I just made that last moment up. ...

*The views expressed in Truesday are those of the author and do not represent Austinist as a whole. Thank heavens.* -The Editors To begin, I want to reiterate from last week that the email to send story submissions to is truecraig[at]austinist.com, not any of the other addresses you may have seen posted somewhere for me. I’m trying to keep this thing as organized as possible, see? And I'm not very skilled with email herding.......