So, I produce and co-star a little show called The Dick Monologues. We have four shows this month—three more than usual. Two are in Dallas this weekend at the Water Tower Theatre as part of the Out of the Loop Festival. Two are here in town—one at the Victory Grill on March 21st and the other at Hyde Park Theatre on March 30th. Please tell your Dallas friends to come to the show up there. And if you want to attend an Austin show, please email me at spike@spikeg.com for info. This week, I present a piece I wrote that sometimes appears in the show. Big Dick on Buddha Mountain To meditate with the enlightened Buddhist monk, Thich Nhat Hanh, is akin to playing guitar with Pete Townsend, making cookies with Martha Stewart, or tying your shoes with Mister Rogers. And so, despite my tight budget, when I heard that Thay, as he is known, was leading a retreat in California, I did what any overzealous aspiring Buddhist would do: I mailed off a hot check to procure my place at the monastery. ...

A couple of weeks ago, I blogged about the uplifting and relaxing experience of taking my son to court for truancy. Brief recap: In Texas, if, say, your seventeen year old child, who lives independently, takes care of himself, buys his own food and gas and concert tickets, owns his own car, and demonstrates daily acts of thoughtfulness, compassion and general total-duded-ness, decides that having to attend chemistry first period is not part of his Desired Life Experience, and if, say, he does this forty-seven times in a row, there’s a very good chance that you, the parent, will find yourself in a court case titled State of Texas vs. Henry’s Mom....

The other night, Warren—my hot, cocky, young boyfriend—came over after work to pick me up. As soon as he arrived, I popped a Vicodin. I love Vicodin. I love it for many reasons. First of all, I am in my ninth year of not drinking, if you don’t count the three times I accidentally ingested booze hidden in food (hint to teetotalers: watch out for that sake laced mussel broth at Uchi, people) and the sip of Kahlua I had mixed in a coffee one night at Jeffrey’s. (Aside: For the record, Spike is not one to frequent places like Uchi and Jeffrey’s. Really. Those were special occasions.) I also haven’t had any pot, if you don’t count two hits in Mexico, December ’06 (and no, I did not inhale), since the late nineties, when I needed hourly bong hits in order to maintain my “relationship” with the bikini-underpants-clad cheater I mentioned last week. So, like, nearly a decade ago....

Apparently, though, when other people hear the word wrestling, they think of something entirely different. They think of big scary men and faked-breasted women, the entire lot of them sporting spray-on tans, dangerous smirks, and very stretchy articles of “clothing” as they hurl each other around inside of a ring while thousands of mesmerized spectators, many of them apparently just having raced on over from Walmart and/or on furlough from Fashion Prison, scream their approval....

Because I am so popular, it is not only my right but my duty to namedrop. And so I am happy to report that yesterday, as I strolled the aisles of Whole Paycheck in search of some homeopathic means to help tame my desire to rip people’s heads off during my monthly stigmata, I ran into none other than my pal, Kacy Crowley ....

I haven’t really slept with half of Austin--it's probably closer to a third, unless you count sleeping-with a by-proxy affair, the old one-degree of separation being close enough to count. In which case, pre-Warren, I’d slept with the whole of Austin at least twice and, post-Warren (because, of course, after an exchange like that, we hopped into bed almost immediately), well then, I’ve now slept with the whole of Austin several times over....

Even after the sketch comedy gem The State was grounded prematurely (and where’s that DVD already?) it hasn’t stopped Michael Showalter or Ian Black from bounding into many more comedic projects in the ensuing years....

On Sunday night - before my sinuses joined the writer's strike - I fancied myself a Rockwell-ian protagonist. In my crappy efficiency apartment, I laid leisurely in an armchair, reading Yeats and watching Terminator: The Sarah Connor Chronicles. I also made laborious use of the first-person singular and listened to a new Bavu Blakes song, which arrived in my inbox that night. ...

Free Week hits its stride on Saturday with three separate shows at Emo’s Lounge, Emo’s inside stage, and the outside stage as well. ...

Will Smith is the last man alive in I Am Legend, Nicole Kidman is a narcissistic sister in Margot at the Wedding, and Reverend Billy travels cross-country to spread the gospel of anti-commercialism in What Would Jesus Buy?. Also opening: Alvin and the Chipmunks and The Rape of Europa....

One of our own here at Austinist has a book out, in case you didn't know, and we are not above a little shameless self-promotion. We promise, however, to not shove it up your eyelids like Stephen Colbert and I Am America (and so can you!). Craig McCullough, who posts as the ever-irreverent Truecraig, is the author of the similarly parenthesized title, I Am An Idiot (but there is nothing wrong with you). McCullough’s debut......

Attention local bands: SXSW 2008 is accepting your applications to be showcase performers during the week long festival come March. The deadline is November 9, 2007 for stateside applicants. If your band has a Sonicbid membership, you can register using that account. Otherwise, register online. Future SXSW attendees can register online to attend, too: music badges are a mere $500 through September 28. Paper Thin Walls feature Austin's Best Fwends: "It's a very mixed......

Austin native Rebecca Rosenberg has been living in South Korea teaching English, and she wants to share her experiences abroad with all of Austin. Austinist believes that we could all use some Korean culture. Well people, I don’t know just where to begin, but I can say that life in and around Seoul just keeps getting better. A few weeks ago I headed to Hongdae for the usual Saturday night debauchery, and got quite......

Okkervil River's long-suffered plan to perform with a string and horns section came to fruition on Saturday night at Hogg Auditorium. The band performed songs from their upcoming album (due sometime this year) as well as familiar favorites such as "A King and a Queen" and "So Come Back, I Am Waiting", and even surprised the audience with a cover of The Fugs' 1966 waltz-like song about hunger pains and knowledge, "I Want to......

Ira Kaplan, Georgia Hubley and James McNew, known throughout the world as Yo La Tengo, are one of the most beloved and respected groups in the history of indie music. Their music is timeless, atmospheric, and provocative. The best combo to ever blend innovative psychedelia and post-punk pop. Ira Kaplan is one of the all time guitar greats. He is easily up there with legends such as Kevin Shields, J. Mascis, Pete Townsend, and......

FRIDAY [30] music • The Skeletons at South Austin Speedshop (7pm) fashion/music • Couture de Amore with fashions by Loves, Mariessa; Stiletto Gold; Sea and Enemies; Amy Kline (Jewelry), and Clap!Clap!, Golden Bear, Haunting Oboe Music, The Valentines at The Parish Room ($10) music • Video/CD release for "The Projeckt" at Latitude 30 music • Bluebonnet Blues Festival, benefitting Historic Main Street Association of Marble Falls, at Marble Falls music • 3rd Annual Global......

THURSDAY [29] theatre •Yellow Tape Construction Company presents I Am Not Tartuffe at play! Theatre (8pm) theatre •The City Theatre Company presents The Boys Next Door at The City Theatre (8pm) theatre •Ohio Trip, a "slide show adventure" by Elizabeth Cobbe at Women & Their Work Gallery (7:30pm) theatre •The Vortex presents Hamlet at The Vortex (8pm) theatre •Hyde Park Theatre presents Zell Miller III's My Child, My Child, My Alien Child at Hyde......

Yellow Tape Construction Company has done it again. Campy can be hard, but the kids in "I Am Not Tartuffe" have left us, as they say, rolling in the aisles. Fill out the following form and we'll shoot the first two winners a pair of tickets to Saturday night's performance. Full Name: Email Address: If you want to catch the show during the rest of its run, you've got 'til March 31. Laughter is......

THURSDAY [22] music •Third Coast Festival Listening Room, hosted by David Brown (KUT) at Cactus Café (7pm) books •Melissa Kirsch presents The Girl's Guide to Absolutely Everything at BookPeople (7:00pm) music •The Charms, Gentlemen's Social Club, The Deadly Companions at Emo's music •Jack Rabid and the Slims, American Business Machines (Mass), Abby Birds, The Steed at Trophy's music •Weird Weeds, The Dead Science, The Parenthetical Science, Hello Lovers at The Mohawk film •Alejandro Jodorowsky's......

FRIDAY [16] art • Artist's Reception: Joan Winter: From Marfa to Sudari at Flatbed Press and Gallery (6-8pm) art • Flatstock 12 Poster Convention at Austin Convention Center (11am-6pm) books • Jack Pendarvis preseents The Mysterious Secret of the Valuable Treasure at BookPeople (3:00pm) books • John Sellers presents Perfect From Now On at BookPeople (7:00pm) sxsw • SXSW Film Festival at Everywhere sxsw • SXSW Music Festival at Everywhere theatre • Austin Shakespeare......

Heya, remember that new work by Yellow Tape Construction Company we told you about yesterday? The opening night of which is tomorrow and features free wine, delicious cocktails, and yummy catered sweets? Well guess what? We've got some free tickets for ya. Now who says we never give you anything? Be the first to fill out the following form, and we'll shoot you two passes for tomorrow night's gala and performance: Congratulations to our......

For everyone looking for something else to do while SXSW is in town, Yellow Tape Theatre Company presents the following: Free wine, cocktails and catering with all your favorite urbanites, followed by the premiere of Yellow Tape's latest theatrical masterpiece, I Am Not Tartuffe -- the only play ever where France is God. In the piece, France is God. In a moment of freedom-hating existential crisis, God decides to infect America with the insidious......

WEDNESDAY [7] music • Hotel, Hotel, Haunting Oboe Music at Beerland music • The Matches, I Am Ghost, Escape the Fate, The Higher at Emo's music • Lotus, The Frequency at Stubb's music • David Garza at Continental Club (Midnight, $7) music • Todd Snider at Cactus Café music • Tiny Fox, The Offisaurs, Aspen Murder at Trophy's music • Pezz Perez, The Seas at The Chain Drive (10pm) film • A Portrait of......

15. Mogwai - Mr. Beast (Matador) As ever, Mogwai manage to blend unadulterated post-rock weight to their shoegazer tendencies with tracks like "Glasgow Mega Snake" and "Folk Death 95," showcasing their ability to create anthems with no words. This is where Mr. Beast really shines, in between blistering chord progressions and gradual swings into corybantic climaxes. In some ways a throwback to earlier (and heavier) Mogwai material, Mr. Beast isn't merely a rock album.......

Yet another emerging indie act from Canada, Shapes and Sizes’ self-titled debut blends earnest pop-rock with somewhat abnormal meter. Out now on Asthmatic Kitty, the record kicks off with “Island’s Gone Band”, a peculiar two songs in one introduction to the band. “I Am Cold” builds from a sparse arrangement into a multi-instrumental crescendo while “Wilderness” features the band’s trait of melding melody with noise. Caila Thompson-Hannant’s vocal chops rank up there with the......

Tonight, Alamo Music Mondays presents Danielson: a Family Movie, JL Aronson’s odd, adorable, utterly engrossing documentary look at the popular Christian indie band The Danielson Famile. Shot over the course of five years, the film follows the Danielson project from its inauspicious art school beginnings through to bona fide indie-rock stardom. Weaving interviews, live performances, animated sequences and candid footage, the film examines the band from myriad angles, exploring the personal and creative lives of......

Austin's Rock N Romp is a kid-friendly concert series featuring local musical acts and performers once a month for the benefit of the music community and the families that are a part of it. The holiday Romp is today at Ruta Maya Cafe, beginning at 4 pm and will feature the music of The Palm School Choir singing (among other things) some of their favorite Flaming Lips songs, and local indie wunderkinds AM Syndicate,......

TUESDAY [21] beer/books • Austinist's very own Truecraig presents a very special reading in honor of the release of his new memoirs, I Am An Idiot (but there's nothing wrong with you) at Club de Ville (8pm, Free, Recommended) food • Massive free pre-Thanksgiving feast at Palmer Events Center (4-8pm) books • Nomi Prins presents Jacked: How Conservatives Are Picking Your Pocket (Whether You Voted For Them or Not) at BookPeople (7:00pm) film •......

We pondered all day today on the subject of Missed Connections. Where are they this week, who spends this much time writing about Lost, and why were we so amused? We were concerned about the feeling that we couldn't bring the "A" game to which you were all accustomed. We then realized that other people's focus on impending turkey meals could be your gain. So we bring you the best of last week's Missed......

Every so often, a literary event takes place that serves to shape a generation or initiate some sort of movement. This Tuesday, November the 21st of 2006, Austinist contributor Craig McCullough, or Truecraig as he's known in the internet 'hood, takes the stage at Club de Ville to read from his new book, I Am An Idiot (but there's nothing wrong with you). The event likely won't have the same gravity as Ginsburg's first......