When I heard yesterday that Austin slam poet, Shannon Leigh, 20, died this past Monday, I felt sick. I didn’t know Shannon, but was consumed for a couple of reasons. For one, my son is nearly the same age, and the idea of parents outliving their children is commonly held to be the worst kind of pain. My heart broke for her parents. The other reason the news caught me is that, though it’s been years since I’ve been part of the community, there was a time when the Austin slam scene was a huge part of my life. In fact, it was the slam that got me performing in Austin. As far as I know, Wammo—he of Asylum Street Spankers fame—was the first to introduce the slam to Austin. Slamming, which started in Chicago in 1984, caught on fast here. It didn’t take long before there was a regular, wild, weekly gathering, one that for a long time found its home in the long gone, much missed Electric Lounge....

I love Sarah Bird. I LOVE HER, PEOPLE, do you hear me? In case you aren’t familiar with Sarah, let me tell you a few things. Sarah is this incredible novelist whom Austin is fortunate enough to call our own. In 2006, she and I tied for Best Author in Austin in the Chronicle’s Best of Austin Poll. When this happened, I told Sarah that I felt like a dandelion that had been placed in a vase alongside a gorgeous long stemmed rose. I could not believe that I might share such an honor with a writer of Sarah’s caliber....

Just as I was once an amazing pet sitter who nevertheless had a hard time keeping my own animals alive (back off—they were guinea pigs), I am now the wedding officiant who cannot manage to stay married for more than ten months. I tried twice, each time marrying a different facet of my father (round one: the bully, round two: the narcissist) but when husband two walked out, that cured me of any “need” I felt to be hitched. Interestingly, it was during the very month I filed for divorce (he left the dirty work to me), I had to perform eight weddings. It’s true, people, I’m not just popular, I’m a minister. Actually, you can be a minister, too. It takes about two minutes at the Universal Life Church web site. And the cool thing is, once you’re ordained, you are legally qualified to join people in matrimony. Back in 2004, I was up in Jersey, visiting my bio family, and a few days before they chased me down the beach yelling about Jesus, prompting an earlier than planned departure, I was reading the New York Times and I saw an article about a growing need for wedding officiants by non-denominational and mixed-denominational and secular couples. The gig involved writing, public speaking, being useful, making people happy and cold hard cash and so the article caught my attention since these things are all very important to me....

So, I produce and co-star a little show called The Dick Monologues. We have four shows this month—three more than usual. Two are in Dallas this weekend at the Water Tower Theatre as part of the Out of the Loop Festival. Two are here in town—one at the Victory Grill on March 21st and the other at Hyde Park Theatre on March 30th. Please tell your Dallas friends to come to the show up there. And if you want to attend an Austin show, please email me at spike@spikeg.com for info. This week, I present a piece I wrote that sometimes appears in the show. Big Dick on Buddha Mountain To meditate with the enlightened Buddhist monk, Thich Nhat Hanh, is akin to playing guitar with Pete Townsend, making cookies with Martha Stewart, or tying your shoes with Mister Rogers. And so, despite my tight budget, when I heard that Thay, as he is known, was leading a retreat in California, I did what any overzealous aspiring Buddhist would do: I mailed off a hot check to procure my place at the monastery. ...

I haven’t really slept with half of Austin--it's probably closer to a third, unless you count sleeping-with a by-proxy affair, the old one-degree of separation being close enough to count. In which case, pre-Warren, I’d slept with the whole of Austin at least twice and, post-Warren (because, of course, after an exchange like that, we hopped into bed almost immediately), well then, I’ve now slept with the whole of Austin several times over....