So, it is the middle of the week and you are just now leaving your bland, cubed-in day job, and you're thinking, "Man, I wish I had something rockin' to do tonight, you know, like a disco/spandex/musical/biblical allegory party to go to....." Well, dear reader, you may not believe it, but you are in luck, because tonight at 11:59pm, The Apple is going to change the course of human life. Sure, we have a tendency towards hyperbole, but this time we are serious. Made by the same geniuses who brought us Over the Top—yeah, the Sly Stone trucker arm wrestling extravaganza—The Apple is the 80s musical version of Adam and Eve, only with more glitter. And hair products. And terrible singing....

Have there seriously been thirty of these things? You’re goddamned right there have been. From the days of way-back in smaller venues when Mel and his 80s jams held court with smaller, more intimate crowds, where the records made people say “Careless Whisper? Man, that’s my song right there. Totally got that twelve inch back at the crib. Let’s go to Hoek’s for some pizza and fear.” Nowadays the party’s (past dozen or so) all grow’d up and far drunker. Just like us!...