One day last year, I asked my young, hot boyfriend, Warren, what I might knit for him. I’d already made him a whimsical cock sock featuring three little airplane buttons with real moving propellers. For my next woolly gift of love, he suggested the following: a Jesus suit, chaps, handcuffs. I’m a halfway decent knitter, making up with compulsion what I lack in technical skill. While I liked the idea of the challenge of the first two choices, I knew they’d take a lot of time. As I am ever eager to bestow gifts upon my man at frequent intervals, I therefore opted for choice c) handcuffs. I didn’t have a pattern or much of an idea how to knit bondage devices. But I got out some leftover yarn from my stash and knitted on the fly. ... [continue]

What do you do when you finally get your life back and it’s broken? If you’re the heroine of Sarah Bird’s How Perfect is That, the self-monikered Blythe (née Chanterelle) Young, you toss back a cup of Red Bull, vodka, and Dexedrine and start hustling.... [continue]

In early 2001 I told my son we were going to Japan. His immediate excited response was this: Well mom, you’re going to have to learn how to shit on a plane. I don’t recall that I actually emptied my bowels on that seventeen-hour flight, but Henry had a point. The idea of crapping away from a familiar toilet, particularly around a bunch of strangers, and in a situation that involves not-real-plumbing is usually enough to stop me up, sometimes for days on end. Which was the case last weekend, at least until my intestines couldn’t stand it anymore. Warren, my hot young boyfriend, had invited me months prior to attend Flipside with him, the local version of Burning Man, that annual festival in the desert where thousands of people set up a tent city and experiment in… well, let’s just say all sorts of things.... [continue]

Not long after I hooked up with Warren, my young hot boyfriend, he introduced me to the lovely, talented Audrey Maker. Audrey puts together burlesque shows around town. Which is how I wound up, last fall, as a volunteer at the Texas Burlesque Fest, a sold-out, over the topless, two-night celebration of boobs. I got to work the Undressing Room, hanging out with beautiful women (and some men) in various states of undress, asking them if they needed anything. Warren had the more exciting job of Panty Catcher. Outfitted in a Super Hero costume enhanced with a big, bright pink, crocheted cock, he served a function similar to that of the ball boys and girls at Wimbledon. Each time an act finished, Warren dashed onstage to retrieve thongs, gloves, corsets, fishnets, etc. to clear the way for the next act.... [continue]

One of the ten million things I love about Austin is how well this town lends itself to the creative class—those of use dreamers who eschew cubicle jobs and want to figure how to put matzoh on the table through some fun, interesting endeavor that pays (I’m trying hard to avoid the word “work” here). It’s precisely because Austin embraces this lifestyle that I’ve been able to support my writing habit through putting on camps and shows and performing non-traditional weddings and working all sorts of nutty gigs. And oh, how I admire my creative class cohorts. Back around 2002, I met David Ansel at a dinner party thrown by Lisa Kaselak. David was just starting a business, inspired by a trip he took to Real de Catorce (a Mexican village I would one day come to count on for my annual escape-Christmas plot). David’s business, the Soup Peddler, involved making good, homemade soup and delivering it to people’s homes. By bicycle.... [continue]

So, I produce and co-star a little show called The Dick Monologues. We have four shows this month—three more than usual. Two are in Dallas this weekend at the Water Tower Theatre as part of the Out of the Loop Festival. Two are here in town—one at the Victory Grill on March 21st and the other at Hyde Park Theatre on March 30th. Please tell your Dallas friends to come to the show up there. And if you want to attend an Austin show, please email me at spike@spikeg.com for info. This week, I present a piece I wrote that sometimes appears in the show. Big Dick on Buddha Mountain To meditate with the enlightened Buddhist monk, Thich Nhat Hanh, is akin to playing guitar with Pete Townsend, making cookies with Martha Stewart, or tying your shoes with Mister Rogers. And so, despite my tight budget, when I heard that Thay, as he is known, was leading a retreat in California, I did what any overzealous aspiring Buddhist would do: I mailed off a hot check to procure my place at the monastery. ... [continue]

Because I am so popular, it is not only my right but my duty to namedrop. And so I am happy to report that yesterday, as I strolled the aisles of Whole Paycheck in search of some homeopathic means to help tame my desire to rip people’s heads off during my monthly stigmata, I ran into none other than my pal, Kacy Crowley .... [continue]