A Timeline of America's Relationship with Rick Perry and, uh... [Politics]

There was a time, not too long ago, when Rick Perry declared his candidacy for the GOP presidential nomination. It was a scary time for liberals, a time to rejoice for conservatives, and a time to high-five in the Saturday Night Live writers room because they had another Texas governor to use as comedic fodder. But then, as quickly as he rose, Rick Perry stumbled and eventually crashed and burned in a pile of stuttering "uh's."

Perry insists that his heart and his candidacy will go on, but undeniably the thrill is gone for most prospective supporters. And yet, the brief-but-torrid affair the American public just had with Governor Good Hair was important. It deserves a special entry in our Austinist diary.

August 6th- Our Eyes Met Across Reliant Stadium
Rick Perry decides to host an event called 'The Response' at Houston's Reliant Stadium where everyone is supposed to pray for rain and not eat and congratulate themselves on being Texan or whatever. But then some people say, "Wait, this is kind of weird. Maybe you shouldn't host a day of rain prayer." and Perry's like, "Actually, maybe I won't come. But y'all go ahead." Everyone is confused. Perry does come, however, thus aligning himself with both Evangelicals and anorexics.

Texas remains in a drought.

August 13th- Rick Perry Gets In!
The entire world is shocked, shocked! when it is revealed that Rick Perry is indeed running for president. For a full two weeks, a person can't swing an armadillo without seeing something about Rick Perry. The inevitable George W. Bush comparisons are made and America either cheers or shudders. There is no in-between. The Perry campaign decides to make it the official slogan: "Cheer or Shudder, it's Perry in 2012."

August 18th- Sex n' Perry
An advertisement placed by a Ron Paul supporter runs in the Austin Chronicle asking 'Have you ever had sex with Rick Perry?" that aims to get women who've slept with the governor to come forward and talk about it. No one does, including his wife.

That same week it is revealed that Perry once invested in Movie Gallery, a porn distributor.

August 31st- R.P. + U.S.A = TRU LUV
Despite all of this, Rick Perry is polling in double-digit leads over his nearest GOP competitor. Coming in second to last is a man named Herman Cain who is a Godfather of Pizza or something. It will eventually be revealed that he is the Devil by The New York Times.

September 7th- Rick Meets the Family
After being his coy self and hinting that he may not show up for the first GOP debate, Perry does and he and Mitt Romney are arguably the winners of what is a pretty boring debate.

Mid-September- Maybe We're Not as Alike as We Thought
Around this time the Tea Partiers begin to really take a look at Rick. What they find, they're not too keen on, especially Governor Good Hair's stance on immigration. He actually opposes Arizona's tough immigration laws and has actually done things as governor like grant in-state tuition for immigrant students. GROSS!

The Entire Month of October- The Break-Up
October was rough for Perry. Oh lord, where do we begin? First those jerks over at the Washington Post decide to be intrepid journalists and go ahead and tell the whole wide world the name of the Perry family ranch (it's called N****rhead in case you forgot. It's named after the second most offensive word in the English language. The only thing worse would be if he called his ranch Pantyland.)

Then he has a debate in which even Margot, the lady in the audience who asks the question, seems to have a better grasp on what was going on. Everyone gangs up on poor Rick and he has to sit at the lunch table all alone and eat his pudding surrounded by no one cause he had no friends and he is so mad cause he didn't even want to be in this stupid debate in the first place. He wants to be back in Texas with his friends, where everyone likes him and he is the best cheerleader yell leader of all the cheerleaders yell leaders.

Yet no one brought up the ranch name. Not even Mitt Romney who is from New England where their favorite pastime is eating bagels and talking about how backwards the South is.

November 9th- Doomsday...?
The day of the third GOP debate began like every other day. The dawn rose, and with it Rick Perry. He awoke, blinking the sleep out of his eyes before kicking off his down comforter and un-rolling his curlers. But as he sat at his vanity, brushing out his hair and thinking of breakfast, he caught a chill, a chill he wasn't able to shake. A chill as though someone had just walked across his grave.

That day, as Perry would later learn, would mark a perhaps-fatal blow to his GOP candidacy. Launching into a point about eliminating three key departments once he became president, he forgot the third. The audience gasped and Perry looked around for help.

"Line?" he called out. But no one answered.

"Uh... Uh... UHHHH?" he shouted, fist shaking towards the rafters of the Oakland University auditorium.

The debate would end in flames. Horrible, terrible flames. The kind of flames you look at and say, "Oops."

Oops.