Rick Perry as President, Based Solely on his College Transcript

Three separate polls released Wednesday place Rick Perry in double-digit leads over his current nearest competitor, Mitt Romney. Since the governor seems to be a pretty solid contender for the GOP nomination, we’ve decided to analyze what kind of Leader of the Free World he would be based totally on his college transcript from Texas A&M.

Perry’s grades are mediocre at best. But before we judge, let’s all remember that Perry was really busy in college. He was a cheerleader yell leader! And anyone who has ever seen the infamous cheerleading yell leading documentary Bring It On can tell you that it is hard work. Granted, maybe not “Editor of the Harvard Law Review” hard, but it has its difficulties.

Subject: American National Government
Grade: B

This is pretty ok! It means he has a good grasp on 85 percent of how our government works. It’s solid but not show-off-y, ya know?

Subject: Principles of Economics
Grade: D

Well, clearly that professor was an idiot. Rick Perry totally gets economics. Or perhaps you haven’t heard of a little thing called the Texas Miracle. Perry has created 265,000 jobs in the past two years. And it’s not because people are moving here, or because of immigration, or because of the oil industry or natural gas or Mexico’s drug war. It’s because Rick Perry wakes up every single day, straps on his concealed weapon of choice, fluffs his hair and governs this great state. He’s going to take that gun, that hair and that economic know-how and he’s going to take back Washington! And give us all jobs! And get rid of that elitist organic garden at the White House (he got a B in Soil Science after all).

Subject: Composition & Rhetoric
Grade: C

You know what’s getting old? Having a President that talks good. President Obama’s rhetorical style and ability to back up arguments with logic is haughty. Haughty, we say! We want someone who speaks his mind but doesn’t go into details. Don’t believe in evolution? Fine. Think that Cameron Todd Willingham really is guilty no matter what the “forensic evidence” is? Good for you. Don’t bother us with reasons, we’re busy and the Rachel Zoe Project is on.

Subject: Meats
Grade: D

This could perhaps be the most damaging to Perry’s reputation. An inability to properly identify cuts of meat (which is what we’re assuming this course was about) could appeal to liberal, East Coast, hippie-dippy vegetarians. Even worse, it could align him with Bill Clinton.

Subject: World Military Systems
Grades: C, B, A, C

Perry took four semesters of World Military Systems and even scored an A in one of them! So that’s good! But then he scored C’s in two of them and that’s bad. But let’s just average them all together and say he got a B-Minus in World Military Systems. This means that Perry has a fairly good grasp on how the military infrastructures in different countries in the late-1960’s worked.

Subject: Organic Chemistry II
Grade: F

To be honest, we would probably fail Organic Chemistry, too! But just because Perry failed Organic Chemistry doesn’t mean that Perry doesn’t know science. 'Cause he does. For example, he knows that scientists frequently lie to perpetuate the unproven theory of “global warming.” Scientists also whine on and on about “evolution” when everyone knows it’s “got some gaps in it.”

In conclusion... While some may look with condescension upon Governor Perry's academic performance, we here at Austinist urge him to stand proud on his overwhelmingly middling record. After all, Perry was an average student because he is an average guy… just like us!