Austin Teen Teaches Rival a Lesson By Torching Truck

Remember that time you broke up with someone and they were like, "Listen, I still really want to stay friends. At age 17 I am mature enough to understand that the relationships I make now are some of the most influential of my lifetime, and though we are not a couple any longer, spending lazy Saturday afternoons at Barton Creek Mall trying on sunglasses, I wish to continue spending time with you in a non-sexual way. At some point we will both begin dating again, and as we ease ourselves into the muddy waters of our romantic future lives, I want to know I can count on your unbiased friendship and governance. Please give your mom a hug for me, and I'll come by later to drop of all the dirty boxer shorts you left in my car."?

Well, some guy in west Austin has heard this too, and is living with the ramifications. Knowing someone like Taylor Zane Cross exists, and that he is the new boyfriend of your now ex-girlfriend, and that Taylor Zane Cross is his real name, a name which he uses publicly on his Facebook page, this guy should have had all the red flags he needed. Despite all the warning signs -- a girl who wants the best of both worlds (to "have it all", as they say. "I don't know how she does it", etc.), a crazy ex with Zane in his name, and the unavoidable collision that is inevitable between lighter fluid, trucks, and hearts (figurative ones, but also crazy ones) -- this poor guy continued hanging with his ex, and who knows, maybe touching her hair or something.

What happened next, you ask? After an afternoon of studying, picking out new bookcovers at Old Navy and (ALLEGEDLY) touching the hair of his ex-girlfriend, this poor guy discovered his beloved truck engulfed in flames outside his home in the 4000 block of Watersedge Drive. Not just any truck, either. His 2005 Chevrolet Avalanche. THE 'LANCHE, you guys. Taylor Zane had torched his AVALANCHE with extreme malice. And a rag.

How do we know there was malice? Well, Zane filmed the entire thing on his iPhone, showed it to friends, and said, "I blew up [poor guy's] car." That's malice, y'all. That's mind-bendingly crazy malice, actually. Like, that's "If I were in a hotel room and you were in a hotel room with me, I would have struck you several times and locked you in the bathroom" malice. Because Zane is smart about both fire torching and modern communication, he let his Facebook friends know about the "explosion" as well. Oh, and he had the gas can in his car, but let a friend know that he realized he should "get rid of it." He then threatened his friends about sharing the news, and warned police in his affidavit, "Now you know what I'm capable of." Sure we do Zane. Sure we do.

No word yet on how flattered the girl is that someone would light a truck on fire for her.