I Am So Popular: ¡Atención Leo! ¿Por Qué No Te Callas?

By rallying the racists, Leo reasons he can get more of their votes without risking losing the votes of the Hispanic population since he can’t get those votes anyway. This proposed legislation is not at all about “protecting” Texas Whiteys from the “threat” of our amigos from South of the Border. It is fear-mongering in the name of vote-getting. Period.

Once upon a time, I saw a map that spoke to this idea that we need to outlaw Spanish in Texas. It translated all Spanish-named towns, rivers, etc into English. So, for example, the Rio Grande became Big River, Rio Frio became Cold River—you get the picture. And while I admit I sort of like the idea of going to the Body of Christ for a swim, I am otherwise opposed to banning Spanish.

I have a number of reasons for this. Firstly, there is no faster way for me to mortify my son than to attempt to speak Spanish when we go for desayuno at Cisco’s Bakery. We’ve been eating there for nearly twenty years and while he insists the staff is just humoring me, I will swear that they truly appreciate when I order my huevos revueltos no carne y café con leche. Secondly, I like the satisfied feeling I get from thinking that, with another twenty years of practice, I might actually be, pardon the pun, borderline bilingual. Living in a state where lots of folks speak Spanish gives me a free education.

Ah, education. Leo suggests that by banning the printing of public school learning materials in Spanish, he will instantly be saving millions of dollars. Funny, isn’t that what so many rich white Texans were doing in the first place when they hired illegal immigrants to build their houses, tend their gardens and care for their babies? So now Leo wants it both ways.

Dudes like Leo instantly raise a rojo flag for me. They protest way too much. White dude Thomas Jefferson had his closeted slave lover, mother to his children. Racist Extremist Strom Thurmond also had a black lover and fathered a child with her that he publicly denied right up until his death. And then there’s an endless list of homophobic preachers who pay young men to suck their cocks.

Let’s look at history, shall we? The Mexican population that so many fear mongers want to chase off actually lived here first. And that nasty Spanish they are polluting our Good Ol’ Texas English with, y’all? Uh, that was a language foisted on them in the name of the Christianity-forcing conquistadors with their big horses and shiny armor. So maybe Leo should focus on banning citizens of Madrid from attending public schools and leave the original locals out of it.

Have you ever seen that awesome installation at the Blanton by Cildo Meireles? It’s called Missao/ Missoes [How to Build Cathedrals] and it’s made of 600,000 pennies, 2000 cattle bones, and 800 communion wafers. The artist’s statement that accompanies the piece reads in part:

Meireles's evocative contemporary "cathedral" exposes the hidden agenda behind these missions, highlighting in particular the relationship between wealth (600,000 coins on the ground), agricultural exploitation (2000 suspended cattle bones), and religion (a column of communion wafers connecting the "land" and the "heavens"). The installation draws attention to the fact that the conquest of the Americas was as much about economics as it was about religion or saving souls.

And have you ever read Willa Cather’s stunning book, Death Comes for the Archbishop? That book shines a none-too-pretty light on the Spanish clergy that set out to “tame the natives.” Not surprisingly the Catholic Church was not full of well meaning if misguided priests who were “mere” proselytizers hoping to save souls. Oh no—as is so very often the case we find a bunch of power hungry old white dudes exploiting the locals in the name of god.

Okay, let me translate that for you. Meireles and Cather are but two artists who demonstrate exploitation of indigenous people with dark skin by lily-assed interlopers with big ideas and big weapons to ensure the implementation of those ideas. It’s an ancient story—move in, bully-bully-bully, take-take-take, and when you’ve wrung all that you can wring out of those you’re oppressing, start criminalizing their existence.

Even as I sit here typing, I get a knock on my door. I look out and—whoa—there’s a Mexican dude on my front step. And he has the audacity to ask if he can cut my lawn. That fucker! He wants twenty bucks from me! Doesn’t he realize he is sullying the very fabric of Texas by showing up at a white lady’s house SANS PAPERS to seek under-the-table pay for labor that should be more patriotically dispensed to a teenager blanco? WTF, Mexican dude? What next—we change our slogan to El Estado de la Estrella Sola?

Here’s what I’m proposing in response to Leo’s proposals. I say the Hispanic population - which is closing in on 40% of the overall population in Texas—goes on strike for a couple of days. Papers or no papers, legal job or illegal jobs, I don’t care. Nannies, gardeners, contractors. CEOs, teachers, nurses, entrepreneurs. Most especially though, I want to temporarily shut down every single restaurant that has even a whiff of Mexican influence on the menu or in the kitchen. Tortillas? Enchiladas? Salsa? A dishwasher named Jesus? ¡Cocina Cerrada!

It’s a shame that the only way to prompt ojos abiertos is con puertas cerradas. But really I think it will be the quickest way to get Leo and all los otros culos estupidos to comprendes, if only for a couple of days, how mas muy loco this proposed menitras de mierda olorosa legislation is.

¡Lo siento, Leo-- no mas tacos para tu! ¿Por que no? Porque no tiene tu pastel de racism y comida tambien.

Spike Gillespie hopes you have a buena dia! She blogs at spikeg.com. Find out about her kids summer camps at www.campspike.com. Find out about her Spring Writing Workshop here.