The Informed Drinker: How to Impress Your Friends, Lose Weight, and Feel Better About Yourself
Alcohol never solves any problems, except when it does. Like breaking the ice with a stranger. Or making company picnics not quite so painful. Or improving one's driving. [Ed Note: joke.]
For the past couple of weeks, we've been speaking with local bartenders about their recommended libations. But you know what? The Informed Drinker has some drinking recommendations of her own, based on thorough field research gained from office happy hours, various dates, Alamo Drafthouse sing-alongs, “you go girl” confidence-building sessions, lunch meetings gone awry, feigning interest in spectator sports, and celebrating the fact that it's Tuesday.
So, with the knowledge gleaned from above, The Informed Drinker would like to humbly submit three cocktail options for three common scenarios. All drinks are local. All - well, most - scenarios have probably happened to you. And all have saved The Informed Drinker from pain and embarrassment, making her more than willing to share their salve-like secrets with you, like a benevolent, tequila-wielding fairy godmother. Enjoy. And you're welcome.
Scenario #1: Guests are visiting from out of town
As Adam Bryan - resident barkeep of East Side Show Room - noted a few weeks ago on this very column, Austinites are a little in love with the margarita. Which isn't a bad thing, all by itself. (In fact, The Informed Drinker is about to haul off and recommend two to you right now). But we have news: Chili's serves a margarita. Most cities in the continental US offer margaritas. The Informed Drinker is ashamed to admit that she used to work at a cantina in San Antonio with margarita offerings visually depicted on the boob parts of the shirt, thus inspiring a renewed commitment to feminism and an eventual exit out of the food service industry...
Where were we? Ah yes, the predictable margarita. If a friend has traveled far to visit you, let's at least treat them to a margarita one can only find in ATX. Go with the Chilango Margarita at El Chile. A holy union of orange, tequila, chile powder, cayenne pepper and magic, the Chilango is stout enough for a frat boy, accessible enough for Mom, and offbeat enough for hipsters. The Informed Drinker likes to order this with chips and El Chile's alarmingly good roasted vegetable salsa, and watch her drinking companions faint.
Scenario #2: You want to be healthy
The Informed Drinker loves Bethenny Frankel. Her sass, her style, her ongoing and hilarious war with Kelly Bensimon. But there is one thing that annoys The Informed Drinker about Frankel, and that is the fact that she is constantly being Twitter-reminded (tweminded?) about this elusive “Skinnygirl Margarita” of Frankel's, which appears to exist in precisely one place: New York. This makes The Informed Drinker sigh with equal parts frustration and longing.
Until the Skinnygirl Margarita is boot-legged down south, the Platinum Pura Margarita at Opal Divine's also satisfies skinny status. Prepared with three simple ingredients—El Tesoro Platinum, fresh lime juice, and agave nectar—it refuses to pump nasty fake margarita mix into your veins. And while Atkin's is no longer the très chic dieting plan it used to be, carbophobes will be pleased to know that the Pura Margarita is not only low-carb (less than 5, to be exact), it possesses a low glycemic index as well. Try it at the gym!
Scenario #3: You need a good cry
We've all been there. Dumped. Jobless. Things not working out on American Idol. When The Informed Drinker has had a rotten day indeed, she likes to take her woes to Mother's Cafe & Garden, one of the only places in town where you can order a quality glass of wine for under $5. As she quietly sobs into her Riesling, a harpist plays nearby, a child laughs, somebody orders tempeh, and she knows—just knows—that everything is going to be alright.
There's another reason Mother's is so fitting an establishment with which to align your fragile emotional state. As many an Austinite knows, Mother's Cafe burned down in 2007. But it rebuilt and reopened in less than a year, proving itself to, literally, be a phoenix rising from the ashes! And so will you, after a frugal glass of wine. Or four.
