I Am So Popular: A Baggish Proposal

Furthermore, our so-called President—in case you missed it— apparently wasn’t even born in the U.S. of A., but rather sprung fully-formed from the loins of Satan’s Wife-Whore while she was simultaneously sucking off a wild javelina just south of the border, which means he isn’t even legally our president! But he is posing as our president and, until his birth certificate surfaces, he is going to fight like hell, not only to systematically have the old folks taken out, but also to mandate that all teenage girls be impregnated by the age of fourteen solely for the purpose of being forced into mandatory abortions, which will be paid for, 100%, with money sent to the IRS by Republicans who, god-fucking-dammit, CLEARLY earmarked those funds for “killing ragheads, not babies!”

Now, I think I need to pause, since I already mentioned euthanasia and abortion—which the pro-lifers identify as murder and, as such, are staunchly opposed to. However, the death penalty is, I think, okay with these folks. I wanted to throw that in so you can keep track of what’s legal vs. what’s ethical so that you never forget that: a) all unborn zygotes are holy and b) all old people no matter how nasty they are and how bad they smell also holy and c) murderers are not holy and thus should be murdered and finally d) if you voted for Obama you support the murder of babies and old people and thus are a murderer by proxy and deserving of the electric chair.

Okay, now that we got that out of the way. Moving right along. First of all, let me make this perfectly clear: I agree 100% that euthanizing senior citizens is wrong. For one thing, they move really slow, so it’s entirely too easy and makes shooting fish in a barrel seem like an extreme sport by comparison. How boring is that? Second, old people are also very easy to bilk out of their social security checks via fraudulent emails, door-to-door “new roofing” schemes, and your basic everyday purse snatching. Why in the hell would we want to eliminate this easy source of income, particularly in this economy?

So you get no argument from me, Tea Partiers, about this Save the Old Stanky Cranky Senior Citizens. I say, let’s euthanize those who really deserve it— we’ll start with frat boys, and then swiftly work our way through the ranks of men with a BMI of 26 or higher who nonetheless insist on wearing Speedos and striking up unwanted conversation with women at Barton Springs, anyone who talks on a cell phone in a restaurant or elevator or public bathroom stall, Sheryl Crow fans, and all humorless and holier-than-thou waiters at Uchi. Once we get them out of the way, then we’ll decide who’s next.

Getting back to these actual Tea Parties. Meworries that some of my patchouli saturated peers (you know who you are, you commie-fucks) are feeling the itch to go down and counter-protest, yell back at these yellers who are doing stuff like painting devil horns on the image of Lloyd “Mr. Puppy Dog Face” Doggett. I assure you, this will not work. Trust me, and know that I have experience in these matters. For one, I was married to a Mormon Republican by accident once, so I know all about the rhetoric of the right wing. I was also married to a guy who wouldn’t shut up ever, particularly about how right he was, and no amount of protest was ever going to shut him up, so there’s another learning experience. And currently I am (gay) married to an Israeli and, I believe it was the Israelis who, circa Munich 1972, coined the phrase: We do not negotiate with terrorists.

Mashing up the lessons extrapolated via life lived with these consecutive spouses, I can tell you, that, among other wise nuggets I’ve picked up, you really do catch more flies with honey. And you also use honey to sweeten tea. What I’m getting at is, these Tea Partiers do not need your bitterness! They need your sweetness! They need Hugs not Slugs! Don’t go punch their lights out, go down and embrace them, sweeten up the party. I even have a name for members of this gentle counter movement. We’ll dub them The Teabaggers! I ask, who among you doesn’t relish the fantasy of Teabaggin’ a conservative? It’ll be like Woodstock all over again only without the LSD or the mud. (Aside: Speaking of mud-lack, could somebody please make it fucking rain already?)

Another thing you fucking liberals can do is stop looking for a free ride with this socialized health plan Barack Spawnbama o’ Satan is plotting. For starters, you need to quit getting these pre-existing conditions so that you can qualify for proper insurance. And you need to understand that self-identified “stay-at-home-mommies” like Austin Tea Party organizer, Heather Liggett, are not the enemy. Au contraire! These husband-dependent role models will never, ever find themselves suddenly divorced or widowed, without the skills to get a job or the money to buy insurance.

Oh no, they will never, ever, ever find themselves uninsured and in need of medical care that costs $400 for a ten-minute office visit. Because God just doesn’t punish Christian stay-at-home-mommies like that, God only punishes you liberal heathens. And so Heather and her lot are right to expect you to find someone to pull your health-care-cost weight, too, just like she did you asshole!

Solution? Do like Warren and me and get your asses down to the marriage license office and form you a Domestic Partnership pronto! And check it: You don’t even have to be fucking your domestic partner to qualify for this type of legal partnership (though, sigh, apparently DPs are also open to you sex addicts, straight and queer alike-- even though we all know what those homos do to each other is way wrong and clearly responsible for certain epidemics we won’t name here but which are totally burdening upright, God-fearing, right-minded tea drinkers). That’s right—you can be a DP with your roommate, your auntie, or a day laborer and as such qualify to be on your DP’s insurance, just as long as your DP’s employer honors DP arrangements. And, bonus points, it only costs, like, twenty bucks!

Also, it would really help all of us if you leftwing freaks would adjust your shitty attitude. I hear what you’re saying to each other as you mock the Tea Partiers. They scream at Doggett, “I’m your constituent! You have to do what I say!” Then you roll your eyes and say, “Yeah, well I’m a citizen, too, and when I was opposed to the war crime that was the invasion of Iraq and I protested at the capitol, did anyone do what I said?” Is that sort of thinking really going to get us any closer to understanding our Tea Party brethren and cistern?

I think not.

And really, what’s more important to you? As I recall, that hippie hero of yours, John Lennon, pointed out that all you need is love. He did not say all you need is chemo or a kidney transplant or insulin to control your child’s diabetes. So let go your angst, Tea Party critics. Go getcher honey and get on over to the protest. Let the Teabaggin’ begin!

Spike Gillespie loses her insurance coverage in October. As a preemptive strike, she is having several parts removed while she still has the chance. She blogs at www.spikeg.com. She’s got a writing workshop coming up soon. Email spike@spikeg.com for details.