I Am So Popular: Too Sexy For This Heat Wave (some haiku)

I will cool my throat
Jim-Jim’s water ice, Sandy’s
Cold choco-dip cone

Jingle jingle jing
Esta las paletas man!
Quiero uno!

Cellulite, Schmellu-
lite—it’s too damn fucking hot
To wear a one-piece.

Garcon! Por favor!
Una mas cerveza free
Ah! Si! Gracias!

So, how hot is it?
So hot my garden eggplants
Hang limp and flaccid.

So so hot that my
Crop of tomatoes is now
Flop o’ tomatoes

So so hot that my
Boston terriers beg me
To take off their coats.

Irony defined:
Solar panels love this heat
To make free a/c

It’s not the heat it’s
The stupidity—we should
Have all summer off

None of this two week
Vacation bullshit, hear me?
Three months off for all!

Staycation-- all I
Never wanted. Thanks a lot,
Wall Street shits.

You can’t stand the heat?
Get into the kitchen then!
And get in the fridge.

Shipe, Bartholomew
Deep Eddy, Hamilton Pool
Water everywhere.

I don’t swim in your
Toilet so please don’t pee in
My pool, Tinklepants!

I’m too sexy for
This heat wave too sexy for
This heat wave, yeah-eh.

Hottest month ever!
You call this intelligent
Design? Idiot!

If you water your
Lawn one more time at noon, pal
I will throttle you.

Is that an iPhone
In your Speedo or are you
Happy to see me?

Spike Gillespie will write haiku for food. This heat is having a curious effect on her. She blogs for KnitBuzz and her own damn self. She’s teaching a writing workshop soon—which may or may not include haiku tips. Email spike@spikeg.com for details.