I Am So Popular: We Wish You Some Merry Dog Porn
Twas the week before Christmas, and all through Spike’s house
She sought out ways her Yuletide misery to douse.
The hand knitted socks hung from the shower rod sans care
Washed with generic shampoo also used for her hair
The pooches were nestled all snug on the futon
Dreaming of liver and dead squirrels and croutons
When Warren in his undies awoke from a nap
Announcing, In the laundry room a dog took a crap!
She looked at the pack—Rebound, Bubbles, Satch, Tatum
And promised if that happened again she would crate ‘em.
And then to the Internet she flew in a flash
Recalling she had to find ways to make cash
Because the economy, we all know does blow
And one always must hustle when one’s a Word ‘Ho
When what to her wandering eye did appear
But a pop-up featuring a shapely nude rear
Now there! thought Spike, That’s one profession
That will not at all be hurt by this recession!
More rapid than a case of Montezuma’s revenge
She came up with a plan her bank balance to avenge.
I’ll dash out to Best Buy and write a check hot!
For a camera to show the web all that I got.
I’ll be a prancer, a dancer, a cupid, a vixen!
Though this might require some real getting’ blitzened!
But then Spike recalled, not without some dismay
She’d long ago given up her drinking days.
With this thought came another, even more dismal
That sent her to seek out some pink Pepto-Bismol
For even with tastes that run the gamut
From nude teenage girls to sorority sluts
The market for Spike-porn might be much slimmer
And with that thought her hopes did grow dimmer
For really, how many folks surfing YouTubie
Are seeking gray crew cuts and middle-aged boobie?
Thus saddened Spike knew she needed distraction
So she clicked upon Cubby to watch him in action
A big boy! Beyonce pretending to be!
Filling millions of viewers with Single Lady glee!
Next came those Japanese puppies on their webcam
And an idea struck quite sudden like a flashback from Nam!
With times so damn hard, we all need cheering up!
And her eyes fell upon her indoor-crapping pups.
They do tricks very funny, and too they are cute
Just look at Miss Bubbles in this red Santa suit!
Thought she: I shall focus my lens, I won’t loiter!
I’ll become Spike the next great web doggie exploiter!
Let’s see—they can smile and act cute and jump!
And Bubbles on Tatum’s back so loves to hump!
And something that instantly spurs these gyrations
Is when Henry offers up theremin vibrations!
So screw you Beyonce and screw you, too Cubby
The next big web hit will be hump-lovin’ Bubby!
Next step is determining best Google ad
To cash in on this furry canine Johnny Wad!
She spoke not a word but set right to work
Contemplating dog porn ads her spirits did perk
Vibrating collars! Ball gag shaped treats!
Chihuahua sized pasties for Chihuahua sized teats!
Inflatable poodle butts ripe for the sniffing!
Plus, added bonus! Rightwing nuts she’d be miffing!
At this Spike began to laugh hard and outright.
Happy Dog Porn to All! And to all a Good Night!
Spike Gillespie would like your help finding work to tide her over through this fucking recession. Otherwise, she's forcing the pups to apply at the Yellow Rose. She blogs regularly at LaunchPad Coworking and www.spikeg.com. She is also head mistress for the Dick Monologues. Email her if you want ticket info for the Frontera Fest shows in January: spike@spikeg.com.
