I Am So Popular: It Takes Two Hands: BJs and Basket Weaving

There were some overlapping elements to the classes. Namely they are these:

• In both basket weaving and blow jobbing, best results come from using both hands at all times.
• There’s a lot of in and out involved with either technique.
• Don’t pull too hard or you’ll break it.
• “Sometimes if they get dry, they’ll start fighting you and they won’t go where you want them to.”

Actually, that last point was made by my weaving instructor, not my cock sucking professor, though I strongly believe the advice crosses over. In fact, I have to say that, in the end, if I played you an audio of each class and didn’t tell you which was which, you might easily confuse the two. To prove this, I am going to include a little quiz at the end of this week’s column. The first person to post all the right answers in the comments section wins two tickets to the next Dick Monologues on October 8th. I’ll even throw in cocktails.

So, what can I tell you about slobbering all over a male member? Far more than space allows here, but let me offer some highlights of the class. As you read these highlights, to better feel like you were in class with me, please visualize the instructor, dressed all in black, standing at the front of the room, clutching a flaccid dildo of color, which from time to time, very unselfconsciously, she takes in her mouth to demonstrate technique.

First of all, bad news for you boys who believe that deep throating is where it’s at. It’s not. And if you head grab or over-thrust and you happen to be doing this to one of us who’s taken the class, expect us to clearly communicate via a swift and deft ball grab that this is not okay. Deep throating is akin to pulling spaghetti out of your nose—a party trick reserved for rare occasions, not terribly comfortable, and totally dealer’s choice. Do not even think about demanding it.

The scrotum = neglected stepchildren. Shaving them enhances sensitivity. Flicking them also enhances sensitivity, but not in a good way. Better to stick with the “Show me the money” stroke, which sort of involves rolling the twins through the fingers, as if showing off a fanned out collection of hundred dollar bills.

If you don’t like the term blow job—or hummer or cock sucking or giving head or kissing the unicorn—try this one: Hey honey, how about we engage in some vascular hydraulics tonight?!

Moving right along to basket weaving. Let me just say, some weeks my job is way too easy. Here I was, thinking I would be so clever as I stretched my imagination to liken one class to the other. Little did I know that the directives tossed around in that class would sound far more like dialogue from a movie—let’s call it The Porno Sergeant—than anything I heard in Fellatio 101.

Let me give you a snapshot of my experience as a student. Basket weaving is not easy. I am not patient. Not long into the class, I felt like I had snuck out and cheated on my true love, knitting. Filled with remorse, I was ready to race back home into the arms of my yarn and needles and commit forevermore to being a monogamous crafter. These three facts helped me to conclude, quite early, that I really didn’t give a shit what my basket turned out like.

Time and again, the instructor would approach me, finger my basket (so to speak), point out my flaws, and work to fix them. Time and again, I would tell her gently but firmly (as if giving the perfect blow job) that really, I was okay with my mistakes, I was just there to learn the process, not to worry.

About the fifth time she tried to fix my work, I was sorely tempted to say, Lady, really, I appreciate the input but I’m just here to compare your class to cock sucking, so maybe the other students would be better served by your help. That said, I did wind up with a halfway decent basket, which, I think, Warren will appreciate more as a birthday gift than some Nina Hartley impersonation. (Remember, people, Spike has the aura of a 70’s lesbian—Nina Hartley is a bit beyond my reach.)

Ultimately, I think the basket weaving is the more difficult of the two. The deliverable might be more long lasting and practical, but in my experience, it’s takes much longer, causes one to work up more of a sweat, is hell on the wrists, actually takes concentration so you can’t, as with blow jobs, multitask and, say, simultaneously write a mental grocery list, and seems not to lend itself to any truly comfortable position.

And now, for the quiz. Very simple. Read the following instructor quotes and tell me this: Which quote came from which class?

1. That seems to get it up far enough to where it holds.

2. If you use warm water, it’ll get flexible quicker.

3. If it doesn’t break in half, it’s probably okay.

4. It doesn’t matter so long as you get a good bite in the wood.

5. If it pulls out on you, just stick it back and keep going.

6. We’re going to come within 3/8” of the edge for a false rim.

7. Push it down! Manhandle it!

8. They’re fightin’ ya—they’re stiff.

9. Find an end anywhere and pull—just keep pulling, it’s a good long one.

10. Dry it off and keep on trucking’—y’all are scared of these things—hit it!

11. Put a finger here so it doesn’t spring back.

12. If you pull back and try to line it up with the hole, it won’t work.

13. Some people don’t even shave them.

14. We’re not doing anything where it will be kinking real small.

15. One side’s smooth, the other is real hairy. You want the smooth side out—use you thumb to figure it out, you have more nerve endings there.

16. When you tighten up your rim, it’ll pull in.

17. You don’t want to soak the wood!

18. If you keep pulling it, it might slip out.

Spike Gillespie will perform with Owen Egerton and friends, Thursday, September 18th, 7 p.m. at BookPeople. She blogs regularly for LaunchPad Coworking and at www.spikeg.com. She is also head mistress for the Dick Monologues. You can email her at spike@spikeg.com to reserve seats for the October 8th show.