I Am So Popular: Gillespie and Palin-- Separated at Birth?

Then, to make her anti-choice stance clearer still, she forced her teenage daughter to get knocked up so she could show the world that The Lord Doesn’t Give Us More Than We Can Handle. I’m sure, too, that any moment now little Bristol is going to be compared to the Virgin Mary who, fans of mythology might recall, also found herself impregnated by One To Whom She Was Not Married.

Speaking of which, this reminds me of an anecdote from my own life, one involving my darling bastard son, Henry. Yes, people, that’s right: I, Spike the Sinner, never married the kid’s father. So when I call him a bastard, know that I mean that from a legal standpoint. (For his part, I know there are times he justifiably refers to his own bastard self as Son of a Bitch.)

So my first book, All the Wrong Men and One Perfect Boy, detailed my life raising the kid while floundering through one shit-fuck-hell relationship after another. When the book was published, I appeared on a TV show on which I was pitted against an arch-conservative dickhead who was peddling the notion that children must live in a home with both biological parents, lest the be fucked up for all of eternity and then some.

Not long into the ridiculous program, I asked this guy a few questions.

“You’re a Christian, right?”

Right.

“And you say children must have their birth father in the home?”

Correct again.

“But wait, the man you worship, he wasn’t raised by his father—he lived with his stepfather, Joe! Man, that Jesus must’ve been a total fuck up as a result!”

The guy, losing track of the fact we were partaking in a cheesy, highly staged “debate,” went apoplectic on me. Which is something I love about the Right. Not only are they so Wrong, they totally lack any shred of a sense of humor about life, so immersed are they in their humorless ideology.

Anyway, where was I? Oh yeah, Sarah Palin. Who happens to be a month younger than me. Which means that, wow, I hadn’t thought of this before now but I could be the next VP!! Well, except for all that fucking around, the abortion which I still hold was one of the smartest decisions and best days of my life, and a couple of bitter ex-step-kids who would be the first to call the New York Times and report that I told them to fuck themselves. (Of which I’m not proud but, okay, it happened). Oh yeah, and that bastard son of mine… Still, despite these facts, I realize that Sarah and I overlap enough that there’s a chance some people could mistake us since, as of this writing, we’ve never been spotted in a room together at the same time. Thus I am here to point out some of this overlap and to clarify our differences. To wit:

*Sarah Palin wears her hair in an up-do, unable to let go of that archetypal fifties-mom thing. Spike Gillespie wears her hair in a messy, over-sized crew cut of sorts, which, like Palin’s coiffure, defies gravity, because she is unable to let go of that archetypal punk rock thing.

*Sarah Palin shoots wolves from planes. Spike Gillespie wolfs plain shoots piled on top of her Vietnamese pho.

*Sarah Palin loves to kill moose. As the largest of nine siblings (who often wanted to kill her), Spike Gillespie’s childhood nickname was Moose.

*Sarah Palin is going to lose as Vice President. Spike Gillespie lost her bid for Student Council Vice President in fifth grade (for which she was handed the consolation prize of Safety Patrol Captain the very same year she managed to walk in front of, and be hit by, a moving vehicle.)

*Sarah Palin is a former beauty queen. Spike Gillespie was Miss Bicentennial in the 1976 Bicentennial Parade in Westville, NJ. (Full disclosure: this was not a beauty pageant, per se, but Spike’s mom happened to be the only one who knew how to sew those cloth, shower-cap style hats favored by Betsy Ross et al.)

*Sarah Palin loves phallic objects that pack a punch. (See photo). Spike Gillespie loves phallic objects you can eat for lunch. (See other photo.)

*Sarah Palin worships a Jew born in the Holy Land who was eventually hung on a cross. Spike Gillespie’s young, hot boyfriend, Warren, is a Jew who was born in the Holy Land, is well hung and rarely cross.

*Sarah Palin believes in educating teenagers about sex, as in, It is Dirty and Evil if you're not married, and out-of-wedlock pregnancy is a Total Sin unless you're my beautiful daughter in which case it is a Gift from God! Spike Gillespie believes in educating teenagers about sex which is why she likes to put condoms on bananas at the dinner table and remind her son that, while grandparenthood isn’t something she’s opposed to, she sure hopes he’ll at least wait to grant her this honor until she’s done that around-the-world-trip she’s planning for 2010-2012.

*Sarah Palin is opposed to abortion in all cases except for when the life of the mother-to-be is proved to be totally at risk. Spike Gillespie is in favor of abortion for whatever reasons, but most especially if the mother-to-be is, courtesy of pregnancy, going to look like a total fucking cow at prom.

Which, come to think of it, might be something the former beauty queen would concur is a risk too great to take. Ah, common ground. I knew if I worked it hard enough I could get us there.

Spike Gillespie can’t find her damn Safety Patrol Captain badge anywhere. Have you seen it? She blogs regularly for LaunchPad Coworking and at www.spikeg.com. She is also head mistress for the Dick Monologues. You can email her at spike@spikeg.com to reserve seats for the October 8th show.