Every odd, periodic, not-dependable Wednesday on Austinist we feature one of our multitude of ridiculously talented writers, writing written things for your eyes to consume. The opinions expressed by the writer are strictly their own, and are not necessarily shared by the Ist Network or any of its affiliates. For this week, meet: Eric Seufert. Enjoy! -- Columnist Editor

MENTAL RECESSION

Former Texas Senator and McCain economic advisor Phil Gramm told the Washington Times on Wednesday that the economy is merely in a state of “mental recession” and that the United States has become a “nation of whiners.”

Public backlash against the McCain camp has been minimal since, instead of being read, most copies of the Washington Times running the story were used as kindling for trashcan fires and blankets.

TALKING DOWN TO BLACK PEOPLE

The Reverend Jesse Jackson found himself in the national spotlight this week after a live Fox News microphone caught him telling another guest that he wanted to “cut [Barack Obama’s] nuts out.” Apparently frustrated by a speech Obama gave on Father’s Day, Jackson accused the presumptive Democratic presidential nominee of “talking down to black people.”

Meanwhile, deep in the Earth’s core, former Democratic contender Hillary Clinton awoke from her regenerative slumber and began plotting a marketing campaign to bill her as a testicle-free Barack Obama. DEVELOPING…

Photo by midnightquill, lafondinto on Flickr

IRAN MISSILE PHOTO DOCTORED

The French news agency AFP reported on Thursday that a photo released by Iran’s Revolutionary Guards showing four missiles being launched was apparently doctored to conceal a missile platform that failed to fire. The original photo of the four missiles was circulated worldwide and fueled the concern of many nations that Iran is pursuing a missile program capable of striking Isreal.

A subsequent photo released by the Revolutionary Guards featured a 70-foot-tall Mahmoud Ahmadinejad dismissing the photo-doctoring claims while simultaneously high-fiving a fire-breathing Ayatollah Khamenei and surfing atop a tidal-wave of protons, neutrons, and electrons meant to symbolize Iran’s nuclear capabilities.

FISA BILL PASSED INTO LAW

The FISA Amendments Act of 2008, which expands the ability of government agencies to use wiretaps on electronic and telephone communications, was signed into law by President Bush on Thursday after passing in the Senate on Wednesday. The controversial bill grants retroactive immunity to telecommunications companies that assisted, sometimes illegally, government agencies in intelligence collection after September 11th, 2001.

Critics of the bill claim that it erodes American civil liberties and encroaches upon rights granted by the Fourth Amendment. Such criticisms ARE STUPID AND SHOULD NOT BE TAKEN SERIOUSLY. EVERYTHING IS FINE. GO ABOUT YOUR NORMAL ROUTINE, CITIZEN.