Chit Chat: Lovey and Lovey hit USAA

How did you meet, and how long have you been together?

Mr. L: Ah yes, how we met. Unfortunately, a lot of those memories are clouded by revelry, but near as I can recall, Lovey and I have been together since the late 1970s. That's around when I stop remembering. And around the time my judgment was sufficiently clouded. Either she approached me while I was walking my Shih Tzu, Waffles, or accosted me while I was giving a eulogy for a dear friend of mine, whose name escapes me at the moment. It's hard to think about, as our meeting was a rather unpleasant time in our lives that we don't like to revisit. Still, I can't blame her for coming on to me, what with my robust, Roosevelt-esque physique and ruddy Churchill-esque complexion. That's Franklin, not Teddy, Ms. Holden. I'll thank you to not to draw anymore parallels between me and that dirty Bull-Moose.

Mrs. L: I remember it exactly! It's as if it happened yesterday ... but it couldn't have been yesterday because if it was yesterday then where in the world was I living before yesterday? Come to think of it, I have no idea. That's certainly something I will have to look into another time. I sure hope we solve this mystery soon, though, I am terribly concerned about me and where I have been all this time. You know, Lovey is very good at solving mysteries, you should ask him!

Mr. L: It's true. I solved the case of the missing dowry when I married Lovey. There was none.

If you could give newlyweds one bit of advice, what would it be?

Mr. L: Marriage is a blissful institution. Befriend as many wealthy couples as possible, friends who throw fabulous parties, like our friends the Parkers. That way, you needn't have to wallow in your wife's femininity day in, day out and day in, again. Always listen to your wife, then ignore her, for the female possesses limited capacity for logic and reason, especially in practical matters of finance and politics. Indeed, Lovey's brow furrows in a desperate, ape-like attempt to understand these two disciplines whenever she exchanges money for goods and services or runs for office.

If you're of the educated class, build a time machine, travel back in time and kill your wife's parents so that she'll never be born. That way, you avoid the scourge of divorce, which is a mortal sin and against God's will. Marriage is beautiful.

Mrs. L: Always make sure you have your husband's account numbers memorized or written down in your pocketbook somewhere. I decided to get Lovey's tattooed on the inside of my arm and most everyone just thinks I'm some sort of prisoner or something but AH HA! No, they are indeed the numbers for Lovey's Charles Schwarma accounts or who ever that nice man with all the money is. Also, get a deadbolt on your bedroom door. This is to ensure you won't have too many of those awkward morning-after breakfast cocktails together.

Mr. L: Lovey, you have Charles Schwab confused with a Mediterranean poultry dish again! The truth is, Ms. Holden, we've lost a lot of money because Lovey keeps handing it over to chickens, because she thinks they're people.

What do you like most about working together? Dislike most?

Mr. L: Lovey spends and gambles away most of my money, so in that sense, she does work if we're looking at work in the scientific sense, as energy (gambling) put into an object (money) to accelerate its motion (loss). Scientifically speaking, Lovey is therefore a very efficient worker, which I love. I am, after all, Prussian at heart. What I dislike about working with Lovey is her ad homonym attacks on my drinking habits. Attack the drink, Lovey, not the drinker.

Mrs. L: I try, Lovey, and you slap them out of my hand! I guess that's what I dislike most about working with Lovey. He always insists that every drink is his! Then I pour another and take a sip and he roars at me again, "You gooseheaded woman! That's MY drink!" and then I pour another and on and on and I guess as you can imagine this whole affair gets rather dull until we reach the end of the bottle. I don't like talking about the ends of bottles. I guess what I like most about working with Lovey is that he always has more money to give me. And that helps me with all of my responsibilities, to my philanthropic interests and bookies.

Okay...let's talk about some of your guests, starting with Luna Tart. She's a force to be reckoned with! Will you share stage time?

Mr. L: Lovey and I graciously did a two minute introduction for her 2008 Frontera Fest Show, and our introduction was so great, we decided to let her open for us on the 18th. However, Lovey and I never allow people to share the stage with us. Sharing is caring, and Lovey and I only care about two things, but I can't remember what they are. Lovey?

Mrs. L: Piracy and the Bronze Age.

You're also playing with McNichol & May, a comedy couple in the process of brewing up their own little M&M. How are Lovey & Lovey, the couple, different from McNichol & May, the couple?

Mr. L: McNichol & May are fabulous, hilarious performers. I can't heap enough superlatives on them, as they are consummate professionals, loving and devoted to each other and the craft. They are also two of the nicest sincerest people we've met in Austin. They are a mirror that reflects the best in men. And that sickens us. We had a dinner party with them when we first arrived here. Lovey and I forgot to buy food to cook, but we cracked open the liquor room and set about drinking. I called Bob McNichol a dirty Scot, and they left, which was rather rude of them since Lovey had just sweated over making a jug of martini.

Mrs. L: They have started to brew their own M&M's? The kind with booze in them? Miss Holden, please take a letter.

Dear Dr. & Mrs. McNichol & May,
I was just having lunch with my dear friend Miss Holden who happened to mention your newest entrepreneurial adventure. I hate to be a muddy stick in your garden of blossoms and bells but I think it is important to remind you that the idea of booze filled candy had been brought up by me at your last tea social. If you remember correctly I had made a detailed list of all of the different candies I'd like to have booze in. Please cease and desist this brewing of M&M's.
Yours,
L.

Stamped and sent. Now tell us a thing or two about the other groups you're working with: Le Sexy and Ramirez & Gilstrap.

Mr. L: We met Le Sexy, a fabulous lounge act, in France. They were singing for baguettes outside the Louvre, and we invited them to America to perform with us after taking some of their food. We honestly didn't expect them to show up, so we learned a valuable lesson, though I'm not sure what that is.

Mrs. L: Ramore & Eelstrep are in the "Lovey & Lovey Li'l Comix Program". We have about 20 or so lil comix that we take in under our wings and teach them some good jokes...usually about the differences between races and nationalities and the like, you know, spanning-the-board kind of humor. We think they are just great and wanted to show them how happy and proud of them we are. Plus, we don't have enough material to do a whole hour alone.

Mr. L: Unfortunately, a number of our L'il Comix have met with untimely ends. Lovey forgot to tend to the care and feeding one such duo—Tardy and Hamburgler—and they starved to death. Would that I was able to find their cell key, I could have rescued them. Poor souls. But Ramirez & Gilstrap—Lovey has the name confused with our gardener—are just as hilarious, what with their pleading for food and all.

We hear you're chummy with none other than Maria Bamford. So chummy, in fact, that you're opening for her at the Out of Bounds Fest in August. Are you nervous?

Mrs. L: We have no idea how that happened. We thought we were going to be doing a circus cat show that night. See, I foster large cats for the big tents and sometimes get to tour with them on the freak circuit once they've gone on to be big acts. My last foster cat, Mr. Pantangeli, is doing a double fire ring act with an elephant and man with a beard! Maybe that is what this Miss Bamford does too...will you ask her what kind of cat is in her show? That'll help narrow it down for me.

Mr. L: I should also add, Ms. Holden, that Lovey and I are uncomfortable with the word chum, which implies that Ms. Bamford is a shark and that we are a moldy slew of aged meat. Please refrain from talking about sharks in my presence. I don't trust anything with cartilage instead of bones.

Understood. Does your show make a good date night, or is it more of a Girls Night Out kind of production?

Mrs. L: If you are a woman on a date—watch out! I am still a very attractive woman for my age and men find me absolutely irresistible! Lines upon lines of swooning beaus in my dressing room, mountains of flowers, love notes—some perfumed and some written very seriously in blood, etcetera, etcetera. If you are a man on a date—watch out! Lovey is a lady killer! Not literally, but he "kills" in the show with all of his feminist jokes, the ladies adore it! If you are on a girls night out I am terribly sorry you can't find husbands. I hope you find one at my show (but probably not because they are all there for me, really). Try to lose a few pounds and don't forget to moisturize!

Anything else you'd like us to know?

Mrs. L: My drink is empty. Please tell them I'd like another.