Truesday: Blowing It All Away

You may not realize this, but in 1492 when George Washington wrote the Constitution, the entire world was watching on closed circuit television. It was like we were the baby Jesus in that barn, with England and France as our virgin parent-handlers, and the rest of the infinite universe as the sheep being watched over by Germany, Earth's kindliest human shepherds.

All of Asia looked over at us and was like Damn. I guess that's what winners look like.

And it's really tough being the best. Which is why the world throws us a party every 4th of July, to let us know how much they appreciate what benevolent better-thans we are.

Flags with stripes and stars and whatnot. Pick that China-made, claim-staking monster up and wave it. Kiss it. Suckle just a tad.

I bet you have some plans to go kick it at some friends’ house this Friday, maybe a back patio, some beef ribs, with sparklers and low carb beer. There will be conversations of a slightly political nature where no one will actually tread too far out on the ice of awkwardness, but will instead keep to the relatively safer shores of calculated insincerity.

Obama’s _________ing __________, yo! McCain’s got his _______ all _______. And Hillary? Well, Hillary’s _______ is too _____ed to ever even ________.

The flavorless beer will help everyone to nod with approval. And help everyone to forget the whole exchange.

Perhaps there will be some reminiscing involved. Like the time you and your ex-fiancé went to El Mexico and discovered that women are actually willing to have sex with barnyard animals for money! And you were surprised at how little it took! So crazy those border-fenced non-Americans! Or the time you and your friends took a trip to Canada because you heard that they feel safe enough to leave their doors unlocked at night because they're too weak to take shit from each other! You robbed those suckers blind! Without guns! So funny! NAFTA fucking OWNS mang!

I bet someone will readjust themselves in a tube-steel chair, purchased from Home Depot on some recent Tax Free weekend, and the shifting pad will make a sound not unlike unchecked flatulence. Everyone will laugh. But a couple people will honestly believe that it was a real fart.

Someone will undoubtedly bring their children, who will, due to cancerous levels of sugar in their diets, undoubtedly act like meth’d-up lunatics just recently released from a 9 month sentence of solitary confinement. Those kids will likely break some shit. People will pretend to not be upset about some tragic-looking heirloom vase that will be totaled in the fracas.

But you know better.

They’re pretending to pretend not to care in order to dodge their guilt at not actually caring about their heritage, or worse, not even knowing anything about it, even though they are obviously charged with keeping it safe.

Best to let the children destroy that heritage. Difficult to sincerely, honestly blame the children, right? "For they know not what they do," or whatever?

Maybe you’ll even get drunk enough to eat a tofu dog. Or admit an infidelity or two to your newfound friend. You know the one: they brought the weed and asked if you’d like to smoke out in the driveway. They asked you real sly, as if they had just discovered some magic portal to a land where all your dreams come true and everyone you meet is of high moral fortitude and clean food is plentiful and people are educated and optimism shows up where herpes typically lives in the real world… and in that hushed voice they asked if you wanted to check out that fairytale land.

You’ll take a hazardously warm swig and say hell yeah, will there be fireworks?

BOOM!

Happy goddamn 4th, y’all. Go fire up some works!