Truesday: Sometimes Being a Clown Is Apology Enough

Yeah, let’s say you’re facing some serious unpopularity like that.

What would you do to build up your people’s trust again? Eh? I mean, you really screwed the pooch in that lunch line. That’s a serious breech of etiquette, and according to everyone in the media, it’s all your fault.

What now?

1.. Inadequacy defense. You could go on a general campaign dedicated strictly to explaining your side of the story, about how based on the limited-branching evidential shape of your familial birch, you’re likely retarded and really should be revered for your relatively remarkable ability to tie your own shoes and regularly defecate in an actual toilet.

2.. Build opposition coalition. Issue a more formal, more genuine-ish sounding apology, penned by professionals. You know: people who, unlike yourself, know how to pander and deflect. Then go on the offensive by going to that girl’s home and demanding that she accept your apology publicly, and then, if possible, get her to tell people that her brutal reaction was actually just the manifestation of her years’ worth of building sexual desire for your No Sirs.

3.. Transition the shame. Start rumors about how someone else, someone more defenseless than yourself, like that kid with cerebral palsy, did something worse than cut in a cafeteria line. Make sure the story involves hobos, the word “fisticuffs”, and syphilis of the ear (or ears, if they still have both). Sometimes it’s best to throw someone else under your own careening bus.

But nah. Really? Fuck all that noise. Honest apologies are proof of weakness, and might get you or perhaps some of your friends killed. Besides, those other ideas reek of work, and they all sound pretty communist anyway, which will also get you or your boys killed. You know what you need to do?

Throw some cash around.

Nothing quells the squabbling mass’s ire like a fat check. You want those three dudes who pissed in your gym locker to change their tune? Buy them off. You know what will impress the volleyball team? Bomb-ass circuses. What do all bouncers and voters in Florida understand when it comes to deciding whether they like someone or not? Bread. Dinero. Duckets. Dosh. Some-other-D-word-for-money. That’s a uni-goddamn-versal hand-shake that says “if you didn’t believe in my powers of affable superiority before, perhaps the fact that I can magically produce some money for your wallet will change your mind.”

It’s obvious, but just in case it’s not, I will also tell you that this method works for all I’ve just been accused of some bad shit scenarios you could possibly encounter. If any of the following happen to you, don’t bother with real solutions or a genuine approach, because that shit’s for dumbs and Buddhists. Since American Idol and American Gladiators are both on this season, you don’t have time for real solutions to life anyway. So just throw money at it until everyone acts like everything’s cool. For your consideration:

1. You just hit someone in a wheelchair with your car because you were “not too drunk to drive but definitely too drunk to steer good.” (estimated cash outlay: $30 -$3,000)

2. You stepped on someone’s face too hard. (eco: $6 - $7)

3. Your significant other got home too late and you used a closed fist, instead of your usual back-hand, to express discontent. (eco: $0.50 – ½ life equity, depending on your role in relationship)

4. During the normal course of robbing an orphanage, you accidentally burned it down and killed, as you were later quoted in the police report, “a bunch of who-cares-not-wanteds.” (eco: $5 -$200k, not counting outcome of civil suit)

5. You’ve managed to squander every bit of good will ever built up by your forefathers by acting like a single-tracked fuckwit-train driven by mad fantasy, misappropriated 12-step programs, and unapologetic greed. (eco: $600 each, $1,200 per couple)

Best of luck in your popularity hunting!