Customer service begins at 30,000 feet

Beginning this week, every Wednesday on Austinist we will feature one of our multitude of ridiculously talented writers, writing written things for your eyes to consume. The opinions expressed by the writer are strictly their own, and are not necessarily shared by the Ist Network or any of its affiliates. For this week, meet: Eric Seufert. Enjoy! -- Columnist Editor

Photo by Kossy on Flickr

Wow, finally -- I thought I'd never get through that line. You guys should get more people up here at the desk. And put some signs up for the bathroom. I spent 20 minutes hunting one down.

Is my car ready? My reservation should be in your system -- I called in yesterday. My last name is Smythe. No, no -- with a Y. No, man, there's an E at the end. Come on, buddy. This isn't rocket science.

What the hell is this? I specifically ordered a red Infiniti. Really? Because that looks maroon to me. What do you mean the color option is based upon availability? Only in the rental car industry, pal. Come join me in the real world -- where the trophy for second place is a pink slip.

You think your job is tough? It's not. Customer service begins at 30,000 feet.

That's right -- I'm a steward. I walk up and down the aisles of airplanes handing out pretzels, blankets, and pillows. Ever gone to sleep in Budapest, Hungary and woken up over Japan? Round trip service from Europe to Asia. And not just based upon availability.

Photo by The Consumerist on Flickr

Well, that's just great. This pen is out of ink. I can't fill out this insurance form without a pen. Maybe the rental car industry has perfected telekinetic penmanship, but we still use primitive writing utensils at my airline. Should I slit my wrist and scrawl my information down in blood? I'd probably die after filling out my Social Security number, but at least you wouldn't have to fetch another pen. Whatever's easiest for you.

Do you know what I would do if I couldn't satisfy a customer's drink request? I'd wait patiently for the beverage cart to completely traverse the airplane aisle, and then I would retrieve their order from the pantry. And don't even ask, because I know what you're thinking: what if we were out of that drink in the pantry?

Impossible.

Oh. You have to click this little thing at the top of the pen to make it extend. How dumb. Time is a luxury you're not afforded when you're barrelling through the upper portion of the troposphere.

I don't understand this part about not using the rental car to drive into another state. I won't be covered by your insurance? No complaints here, my friend. Nope, I've had my fill of national -- and international -- travel for the time being. I want to spend my vacation planted firmly on the ground.

Ha – I know, I know. You look at me and see a whirlwind frenzy of globetrotting and peanut serving, ocean-hopping and lavatory monitoring. I can't imagine how glamorous this game of intercontinental hopscotch must appear. Left foot, Belize; right foot, Miami. Left foot, Shanghai; right foot, New York. Well, with a layover in Chicago. And we generally switch posts at that airport because it's a hub. You get the picture.

You wonder why I would descend below the clouds and walk amongst mere men. I have internalized the graceful rhythm of a jet engine throttling up and down to maintain altitude and air velocity. I have propelled myself to heights beyond imagination, where the greatest accomplishments of a race that exists in stellar solitude are reduced to mere specs of achievement strewn across a pale blue sphere. I have travelled to the precipice of the Heavens and peered curiously into the void of creation, approaching providence so closely that I could see the face of God and hear him whisper my name.

But it wasn't God; it was a passenger. And he just wanted another blanket. I’m not immortal, my friend. I'm just a steward.

Photo by d’n’c on Flickr

Is that all the paperwork? You sure you don't need blood and urine samples? I didn't realize that I was simultaneously renting a car and adopting a Cambodian child. Will he be waiting for me in my maroon Infiniti?

Which way to my car? You guys seriously need to throw some signs up in this building. I guess I'm just spoiled from working on an airplane. Everything's clearly labelled when your office is on the five-thousandth floor.