The Accidental Gentrifist: Good Fences Make Good Neighbors (but an extra six feet wouldn't hurt, either)
Editors’ Note: The opinions and ideas expressed in The Accidental Gentrifist are solely those of the author and do not necessarily reflect the outlook or beliefs of anyone else in the Ist network.
Stand-up Comedian: The new homes at Mueller are so close together…
Audience: (in unison) How close are they?
Well, on the plus side:
If your house is on fire and you’re trapped on your roof, you can jump to either neighbor’s roof with less dexterity than it takes to play hopscotch.
Plus:
…Your next-door neighbor might have really good taste in music.
…If you’re even reasonably well-endowed you can probably inseminate your neighbor’s wife without having to ring the doorbell.
…If next door’s having a raucous party, you can stomp on your own floor to make their record player skip.
…“Eavesdropping” means taking out your earplugs.
…If your neighbor’s kitchen doesn’t have curtains, you won’t need to buy your own Statesman subscription.
…If you’re 12 and your best friend lives next door and your Walkie Talkies run out of batteries—well, you can just open your bedroom window and talk like a couple of non-geeks. Or, at that range, try telepathy.
…If you’re 15 and your boyfriend lives next door, you can share the same pair of iPod headphones all the time, even while you do homework. Just cock your head a little closer to the window.
…While the view—predominantly other people’s interiors—may turn off some, it’s ideal for voyeurs and Edward Hopper aficionados.
…You can feel the precise moment the neighbor kid gives himself over to Satan.
…If there isn’t a fence between houses, you can play a wicked variation of pelota.
But, on the down side…
…The ‘walk-in closet’ the realtor showed you is actually your neighbor’s “rumpus room.”
…Your half-awake neighbor might reach out and accidentally turn off your alarm.
…If you’re a peeping tom, your trusty 10x42 binoculars will only reveal a close-up of the ingrown hairs on your neighbor’s areolae.
…Your kid’s braces screw with your neighbor’s t.v. reception.
…In the event a laser-guided ‘smart bomb’ accurate to ten feet is aimed at your neighbor, it might accidentally take out your house instead.
…Your beef stroganoff might smell like next door’s paella.
…A domestic dispute next door could leave you with a busted lip.
…At the zenith of your holiday “Folger’s Moment,” just as you meander downstairs in your robe, following the beatific early morning siren song of freshly-brewed coffee, wondering what angelic soul decided to rouse you with the heavenly scent of an unexpected pot of Java gold—oop, no wait. That’s next door. Nobody in this house cares for you that much.
