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Three [3] Yuletide Yarns!
To begin, I want to re-stress that the stories were/are supposed to be sent to truecraig [at] austinist.com. I’m stressing this because this first one was sent to another address of mine and it got caught in a spam filter. Mere luck had me locate it. Come to think of it, it may not have been meant for use here at all, but after reading the email, it certainly fit what I’m looking for, so whatever [yet another comma] it's included.
So if you sent something and it doesn’t get posted, resend it with a really obvious subject line in the email (like "truecraig - this is a holiday story"), and I’ll sift through my goddamn spambox just in case it gets routed there. Feel free to comment with complaints of non-posted stories and/or stories you just didn’t want to email but wanted to see up here. I’m cool either way.
On to the first THREE stories! How exciting!
STORY ONE:
[No title provided]
By Tricia Barker
Two Christmases ago I was invited to a “White Elephant Gift Exchange” with my parents and some of their church friends while I was visiting for the holidays (parents live in Dallas, I was in grad school in Austin at the time). I didn’t want to go because I don’t go to that church anymore and I didn’t want to see those same people from back when I did go to that church (hated it there in high school). Plus, I had never been to a “White Elephant Gift Exchange” before, and it sounded pretty weird to me. My parents were bringing a broken desk lamp and a really chipped-up lawn jockey, both wrapped up in very fancy packaging, and they assured me that this was not only normal for “White Elephant” parties, but that it would also be hilarious to see what everyone else brought. They were also hoping to set me up with one particular guy named Rob who I used to think was cute back when we were in middle school. It all felt very Bridget Jones Diary, but they guilted me into it once I got to their house and I agreed to tag along.
When we arrived at the party, I immediately froze over. Everyone looked so “together” compared to back when we were all in middle/high school. And Rob was absolutely adorable in a really awful Christmas sweater (he claimed it was from the previous year’s gift exchange, and he felt obligated to wear it, Bridget all the way). We had a brief but charming conversation and then the exchange started. Out of the fifty or so people there, I was third to pick a present from the humungous pile. Being a newbie to the game, I picked the biggest and most flamboyantly wrapped box there. Inside it was a rusted unicycle. The tire was completely flat, the seat was torn up, and the crank had long been seized. It had cobwebs in the spokes. Completely and totally useless piece of garbage. The room erupted with laughter.
Apparently this unicycle has made multiple appearances to this annual holiday event, and there were many in the crowd who were excited to see it unveiled so early in the game, so they wouldn't end up picking it. I was stuck with it. And as I dragged the decrepit thing away from center stage over to a dark corner where I could cry in embarrassed peace, I mumbled out something along the lines of “whoever brought this g*d d*mn thing could at least teach me how to ride it.”
Rob immediately jumped up and carried the rusted beast to the kitchen for me. Turns out it was HE who had brought it, and that he would be more than happy to teach me how to ride it! That was two Christmases back, and even though I never learned how to ride that stupid thing, Rob and I got engaged this year!
As for that unicycle, it’s going with me and Rob back to Dallas this weekend where there’s another White Elephant party. I wrapped it up in a moving box with my best wrapping paper!
[NICE!]
STORY TWO:
Tricia’s story got me in the mood to write something along the same lines. But it’s not at all a real story like hers appears to be. I’m making all of it up right here on the spot. And I’m seriously punch-drunk from being alcohol-drunk for more of the last two weeks than I should have been, and my girlfriend’s family has been feeding the shit out of me for the past three days so I’m all carb’d out with a distended stomach and can’t think straight. Perfect story writing conditions.
The Other Black Coal
By Truecraig The Holiday Idiot
Old man George hated having family gatherings at his house. After living on this Earth for eighty four years, the only thing he hated more than family gatherings were family & FRIENDS gatherings at his house. As his mind had aged, his desire to entertain on any level had waned with more and more significance.
“Damnit Catherine, you know I don’t want all your asshole friends coming over here and ruining my Christmas Eve peace and quiet! Especially that crazy Elizabeth with all her goddamned cats.”
“George, it won’t be a long party, and you can stay in your room if you want.”
“God, please tell me Elizabeth’s filthy goddamn cats are all dead this year.”
“George, don’t swear like that. And stop wishing death on other people’s pets.”
“If she so much as brings one of those goddamn felines in my house this year and we end up with fleas again I’ll beat it cold with a boot.”
“George, shut up and eat your jello.”
“Goddamn cats.”
Two hours later, the house was lousy with various nameless guests and faces on bodies, none of whom George could place, with one unwelcome exception: Elizabeth. Elizabeth and an orange tabby, Rufus, sitting in her lap. Behind Elizabeth’s folding chair sat Rufus’s litter box, which was a new addition to the already obnoxious entourage she typically dragged with. Like raisins atop vanilla ice cream, Rufus had already managed to sprinkle the box with several deposits. This caused George’s forehead to pulse.
“She’s not leaving that box of shit in my house.”
Yet another hour later, the Christmas tree sat alone in the foyer of the house with several dozen gift bags about its base, all ready for an impending exchange between the home's buzzing guests. Each bag with a different tag upon which different, individual names were written with different handwriting.
Elizabeth turned around to check Rufus’s box. “Catherine? Is there a dog in the house? Looks as if Rufus’s box has been picked clean!”
Catherine called back from in the foyer, somewhat confused as well. “No Elizabeth, but looking at all this litter trailed around the tree, you’d sure think so, wouldn’t you?”
George settled back into his chair with a fresh cup of jello. “Goddamn I hate these parties.”
STORY THREE:
Nick Lee sent these haikus in. There’s nothing quite like a bitter set of haikus to say “Merry Christmas! Assholes!” He sent in three, and one by one, here they be.
Another Christmas
Another disappointment
Another Christmas.
Post haiku light commentary: This works on a couple of levels, really. With the disappointment of the repeated first line and such. Says much with so little.
Found a Christmas tree!
I put it in my pick-up!
Neighbors want tree back.
Post haiku light commentary: This sounds like a description of an actual event. Relates closely to haiku #1.
Got a Christmas tree
I decorated the tree
Someone stole my tree.
Post haiku light commentary: Either inspired by the second haiku, or it’s simply told from the pov of the “Neighbors” who had their tree took.
Hopefully I’ll have time to post the other couple of stories I received in tomorrow’s installment. Feel free to submit anything last-minute, as the ones I’ve received have hardly been difficult to edit (as in: no editing, if that isn’t obvious).
Thanks so much Tricia and Nick! And to those others who've already submitted! Look for yours tomorrow if you aren't Tricia or Nick!
Oh, and merry, merry everyone! Be safe! Holiday exclamations!
