Photo by Hayley_Bouchard on flickr

Many of you may have already heard, but it seems Santa’s helpers at Canada Post have a “rogue” elf among them waxing poetic to the kiddies about how little Billy’s mommy sucks a good, um, candy cane if you will. These naughty Santa letter activities seemed to be limited to the Ottawa area but caused the Canadian Post to temporarily shut down the Write to Santa letter program while authorities investigated. The program which has gone on quietly for 26 years broke the Guinness Book of World Records in 2006 for being the largest of its kind in the world. This year, two year old Maya Da Costa’s note from Santa included a post script that said “This letter is too long, you dumb sh*t.” Her 10 year old brother Colton was the lucky recipient of a note claiming that "Your mom sucks d--- and your Dad is gay." Representatives for the Canadian Post are “heartbroken” but have vowed find the evil elf.

In other naughty news, a woman from Connecticut apparently got her Christmas jollies after she felt up Old St. Nick at a Danbury mall and was charged with fourth degree sexual assault. According to police, Sandrama Lamy, 33, groped the fat old man inappropriately and “had contact with his genitals through his Santa suit.” Ms. Lamy confirmed that she did in fact take a picture with Mr. Claus last Saturday night but that she didn’t even sit on his lap. Lamy is scheduled to appear in court on January 3rd and gives new meaning to Juggling Balls Jingle Bells.

Earlier this week, Santa’s sleigh helicopter was on its way to distribute Christmas presents to children in Rio de Janeiro’s Nova Mare slum, when drug lords opened fire after mistaking it for a police chopper. According to police, the shooters thought the surprise toy delivery was a police operation and started firing. Despite the two bullet holes that were later found in the helicopter’s fuselage, no one was injured and Santa managed to return to Nova Mare to visit with the children. One dealer who asked to remain anonymous was quoted as saying “Our bad. Next time we’ll check to see if the pilot’s belly shakes like a bowl full of jelly before we bust out the AKs.” (OK, no, you won’t be able to fact-check that quote. This story is just so disturbing, we felt like we needed a bit of inappropriate humor to lighten the tone.)

Lastly, a slanderous advertising campaign out of Madrid is calling Santa Claus an over-commercialized elf abuser. Spearheaded by a Spanish ad agency, the movement is an effort to defend the honor of the Three Kings and includes an elf-abuse complaint hotline and an expletive-filled rap video that concludes with Father Christmas being gunned down in an alley. Traditionally, the children of Spain receive presents on January 6th when it is said that the Three Kings followed the Star of Bethlehem to infant Baby Jesus. According to the agency, Hollywood is to blame for Kris Kringle’s skyrocketing popularity that has prompted parents to go on a toy buying bender over the last few years. Welcome to the Capitalist market, Spain! That loving, true-spirit-of-Christmas-filled campaign of yours definitely sends the right message to the kiddos!