Craigslist: Missed Connections

My beer can full of piss missed a connection with your shitty band - w4m

Dear Shitty Band:

I have been wanting to inflict my urine on you for quite some time. Do you know how hard it is, drifting from punk house to punk house and always having to hear your shitty music? You sound like Spazz, if Spazz were fourteen-year-old boys with Wal-Mart instruments. And AIDS. And a fat bassist. I have always wanted to return you to the suburban garage you emerged from. And you have shitty attitudes, to boot.

Last night, I decided to do something about it.

It's not easy for a girl to fill a beer can with piss. It was bad enough having to get my fucking stockings down, but then I peed on my hand trying to leak through that little hole. I eventually grabbed my urethra-thingie and just jammed it in there, which was effective but kind of hurt. Some kids walked by (this was all in a front yard, of course), and they had near-empty cups, but wouldn't give me one. For fuck's sake. A cup is easy! Even a wasted chick can manage to piss in a cup! So I had pee all over my hands, but was now armed and dangerous.

The problem, you ask? A certain gentleman stopped me from taking action. He was all, IF YOU DO THIS, IT'S GONNA BE REALLY BAD. IT'S GONNA BE A FUCKIN SCENE WAR! And I was like, OH SHIT! SCENE WAR!, because that sounds kind of cool. But he sincerely didn't want me to do it, because I may not be able to bike fast enough to get away. I felt obliged to listen, because I'm fucking this guy and I want him to think I'm nice (and classy).

In the end, I sat my piss-full beer can on the curb, and settled for hoping your lardass bassist would drink it.

Damn. That was one crappy band. If only we knew if anyone picked up that cup...

Two missed connections - m4w

Oh T, you were so sexy . . . damn! And really into me, or so I thought. Nothing like lust and ego-stroking to impair one’s senses. You looked pretty well taken care of . . . who would’ve thought? And sure you said some weird shit, but hey, this is Austin right? Aren’t mysterious ramblings about the oneness of everything in the universe and incoherent babblings about moving beyond speech and thought just commonplace parts of our mating rituals here? Oh how easily I was lured into dancing. I thought surely that would seal the deal. Well, I am really glad I missed our connection. You on the other hand did not look happy as I left you standing in front of the bar. Yes T, you thought for sure there’d be a connection. Next time, bring up your crack addiction before leaving the bar with someone who thinks they're going to get laid – we both could’ve saved some time and frustration.

Always check for track or burn marks, that's what my mamma always said.

To the APD Officer who caught me streaking naked through my house - w4

Look, I’m sorry I didn’t get the chance to explain fully. Here’s what really happened:

- I’d just gotten back from the gym.
- The little neighborhood girl who walks our dog didn’t realize she’d accidentally tripped the house alarm when she left just a little earlier.
- When I heard the alarm going off, I raced inside and punched in the code to turn it off. I didn't know you'd already automatically been called.
- I forgot to fully close the front door in my rush.
- I closed the garage door using the extra clicker inside the house (sorry to scare you and make you reach for your weapon when the door started to close down. As stated earlier today, I AM aware the serious types of situations that may cause you to do that.)
- I stripped off all my clothes because I was sweaty and gross from the gym.
- The dog looked pathetic, so I went into the kitchen to get him a treat while I closed the garage door.
- THAT’S why I was naked in the kitchen, and the front door was open.
- When you entered my house, all Cagney & Lacy style, I was scared, and screamed.
- I was screaming: “I don’t look suspicious! I don’t look suspicious!” because that’s the only thing that was thinking.
- I was running at full speed to the bedroom b/c that’s where my bathrobe was.
- I fell to the ground because I was trying to cover my “parts” while I was running, and the dog had entered his own “I'm eating Yummy Chummies now” universe – oblivious to all objects coming at him and potentially tripping over him.

I’m pretty sure that I didn’t do a good job explaining all this to you after the fact, but I appreciate your patience, chivalry – and, I’m hoping, your discretion with all your fellow officers (if you have to tell, at least embellish a little and remark about my "striking lithe body as I dashed like a gazelle across the perfectly tidy - almost Martha Stewart-like living room...")

Hot. Actually, make that super hot.

Will Wynn, an 18-wheeler doesn't really match my dress. - w4m

Mayor, what does a girl have to do to get your attention? I am contemplating hijacking an 18-wheeler and parking it somewhere auspicious. Maybe 6th street this time? During rush hour, I think. I bet you're cute when you're mad.

You bolted out of the Grinch Gala at like 9:30p. What's that about? A little glad-handing and kissing of babies and then you tuck yourself in? I wanted to show you my dance moves. I have one.

Alas, your buddy Wells Dunbar is the only one who will reply to this message. Is he cute and single? Are you? Cute, yes. Single? As we've discussed, you've got to give up the blond, big-busted hoochie mamas. It's not you, it's them. Based on your outburst last week, you are really stressed out. I'm really just a concerned citizen, worried about your health.

So, next time I see you, I'll curl my tongue at you and then I'll probably start giggling like a little girl because I have a crush on the mayor. Perhaps you'll laugh and feel less uptight. Then I won't have to drive an 18-wheeler to the ball, know what I'm saying?

Someone has a crush on the mayor. You wanna date him, you want to have an affair with him, and then probably kidnap him for something strange.

That's it for this week. If we missed any of your favorites
just post them for us all to view. We'll be back next week with a new
round up. Until then, may you find Peace, Love and
Connections.