November 28, 2007
South Austin Coffee Trailer Embraces the Tacky & Absurd
Latte Dolls offers a selection of coffees and espresso drinks served by scantily-clad female baristas with stripper fascinating names like Kyana, Alysha, and Reyna. Touting itself as
a "highly-personalized, memorable and convenient coffee alternative to morning commuters and the mobile labor force of Austin," the stand plans to expand to ten locations throughout the city in the next two years — assuming they last more than a month.
Their website, riddled with puns and cheesy innuendo (order your coffee "With Cleavage" to indicate you'd like room for milk or cream ... because it's udderly delicious!), features some basic info on their customer-loyalty "Double 'D' Club" as well as the stand's schedule of themed costume days, including, predictably, School Girl Mondays and Sexy Police Lady "Warrant Wednesdays."
And ladies, if you're looking for "hourly employment," you'll be thrilled to know that Latte Dolls has three holes to be filled*:
There is no set requirement in order to be a Latte Doll! We are looking for girls that exude sex appeal and portray a provocative, fun, outgoing attitude to serve our customers. We expect our employees to have good personal hygiene and assist us in complying with and exceeding recognized health standards.
Tattoos are acceptable.
Frankly, we're surprised to see this kind of business project coming from the former executive director of the high-brow Texas Commission on the Arts, but we appreciate that everyone needs to make a living.
Check out Statesman humor columnist John Kelso's scoop from yesterday, which he totally opens with a penis joke.
* What high road?
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Awesome! Between this and "Twin Peaks" objectifying women is back in style.
I honestly was stunned when I saw this. I thought we only kept Hooters around as a cultural warning sign.
Apparently not.
As I have a vagina, I'm probably not their target audience (hmmm, does that count as sexual discrimation?) but perhaps they could hire some hot young men clad only in boxer briefs (yum) to expand their customer base by a good fifty percent. Penis-shaped coffee stirrers would be so adorable. Definitely makes me think of coffee grinding in a whole new light.
Pvt. Joe Bowers: Man, I could really go for a Starbucks, y'know?
Frito: I don't really think we have time for a handjob, Joe.
Mike Judge uses his finger to stir his coffee... Dang he is right on.
Has anyone been here?
http://www.bagpipespub.com/
I don't think I want to go there.
http://www.yelp.com/biz/bagpipes-pub-and-eatery-austin#hrid:DVgg9MphIKEAal5ThxP6rw/query:bagpipes
Ah yes, another sign that Austin is becoming a progressive and successful city. This will probably work. I mean shit, if you can give someone a sparkler to make them feel special after they just gave you $500 for a drink, surely you can get away with this.
Oh yeah; Bagpipes, not so much on the hot side.
See? I fucking told you so. Get rid of the hookers on South Congress and new ones'll start popping up all over the place. Apparently at crappy diners, pubs and coffee shops.
I have an idea--let's legalize and unionize prostitution! Make it safe and reasonably priced.
Then maybe we can get some decent service at pseudo-Denny's, or not have to see a scantly-clad 31-year-old in pigtails before when we can even down our first coffee (or pint, depending on the hour).
By the way, Kelso is like Herb Caen via Michael Scott-- he's probably been waiting for six months to use the word "pole" in that context.
Double BTW, great write-up, H.
I agree with DancingMunchkin, but for the most part I'm glad I don't live in South Austin (specifically off of South Lamar,)anymore.
"Wait 'til you see the cover. Very provocative."
Actually, I think it's more of a masturbation joke.
I have no comment on this.
I think it's more of a masturbation joke, but that Kelso guy has to be the least humorous humorist I've ever read.
I have no comment on this nonesense.
I think it's more of a stripper joke, but I could be wrong. ("Sorry guys, no pole.")
And these people are totally ripping off the SnoBeach business plan. Hire attractive, high school aged girls, let them wear whatever they want (and as we all know, high school girls will choose halter tops and hot pants every time, just in case cute Billy comes by to get a sno cone) and sell something that is completely unnecessary, except I hear these people crush up the dreams of little girls and brew them with the coffee.
first, Auburn, Tukwila, Renton, Shoreline, and Port Orchard are NOT Seattle.
second, and i hate to be crass here, but considering the wealth of beautiful women we have in this city . . . the current staff is disappointing.
third, someone kill John Kelso. please.
But what about his whimsical alliteration, and his cute 'funny hat' montage?
Oh, and can we finally agree that it's the second fall of Rome, now that we use sex to help sell an addictive stimulant?
Oh, and can we finally agree that it's the second fall of Rome, now that we use sex to help sell an addictive stimulant?
You can say that again.
Haven't "we" been doing that forever? Sex isn't being used to sell coffee- coffee's a commodity that moves itself. Sex is being used to differentiate one seller's commodity product from those of the crowd. Other sellers use squishy political sentiments (i.e., Fair Bean Coffee exclusively, other places like Ruta Maya to a lesser degree), quality, price (Exxon pummelling the airwaves with "99 cent any size coffee" ads comes to mind), consistancy (like McD's, the grande mocha half-caff soy latte you get at Starbucks is the same at the 17 dozen locations here as at any of the others anywhere else), etc.
Can't we agree that it's the [insert random historical reference, bonus points given for references to ancient Rome, Mongol hordes, or Nazi Germany], now that columnists make spurious comparisons of current events to past atrocities?
Uh, alarm bells are going off: Kelso probably is conscious of his double-entendres.
I just read, in a Kelso column on Leslie, our very own trans-bum:
"So it’s sounding like Santa has already come down Leslie’s chimney."
heh heh heh...
Look what I found in "Shot in the Dark":
you ordered a double expresso latte with pumpkin spice. Come back for the other half of your coffee....its on me.
When: Thursday, November 29, 2007
Where: Latte Dolls
I saw a: Man
I am a: Woman
"expresso". That's a smart girl.