Truesday: On Festing

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*The views expressed in Truesday are those of the author and do not represent Austinist as a whole. Thank heavens.* -The Editors

Usually at this time of year I’m hunting down the best afterparties related to ACL, stocking up on Emergen-C, and whispering sweet nothings to my liver like a good liver-beater does. But for some reason, this year the whole shebang-e-bang has taken me by surprise. Totally slipped my mind. I blame our recent spate of off-kilter weather. Because it simply hasn’t been hot enough, for long enough, to already be time for throngs of festmonkies to go make like food for a billion Lady Bird mosquitoes, while totally destroying Zilker with flip-flopped feet and a billion half-crushed Heineken cans.

But here we are. It’s ACL week already, damnit, and I feel completely unprepared for the fun!

You might feel unprepared too. Even though you’ve been bragging to everyone about how you bought those tickets back in December or whatever. Somehow, you’ve managed to fail in preparing yourself for the rigors associated with this particular festival. And preparation will be key to any possibility of your possibly enjoying all that the weekend will have to offer you!

Because I’ve been to my fair share of ACL festivals, and have some practice in braving/avoiding the brutality of the thing, I feel I might have some helpful advice to impart. So, here goes some partial imparting.

Just like most festivals, ACL is a large, somewhat dirty, outdoor event full of opportunities for various gymnastic routines associated with the use of portable toilets, along with a collective attempt at record-breaking heat exhaustion. Oh, and just like at every other god-fearin’ state fair out there, Ham and Brie Paninis will be available for purchase for a mere six American dollars.

Mmmm, just like the rodeo brie from my childhood…

Speaking of the festival’s food, it just gets more and more interesting as the years pass. This ain’t no fried-Twinkie-funnel-cake festival, yo. I’m going to kick dust on a tangent trail here and point out a couple of the more fascinating cuisine selections from this year’s Food Court (they’re calling it that, not me) menu.

Food.

Word On The Street will be selling this interesting collection of nouns for four of those sweaty American dollars you’ll be holding hostage in that sweet fanny pack adorning your hip: Vanilla Bean Sake Pineapple. I’m sure someone out there knows exactly what this combination of words is supposed to mean in terms of creating a single food item, but I feel that the mystery it creates is its most potent marketing element. It could be a drink. It could also be a vanilla-pineapple hybrid that’s been soaked in rice wine. Though that might be hard to eat under festival conditions, and the pineapple rinds would surely end up as weapons in the swayers vs chair-people battle that’s sure to erupt at the front of the Dylan show. Perhaps it’s an anagram? Or a Mensa word/consonant scramble with “two cold boiled eggs in a paper bag” as its answer.

Children of the Kettle Corn. Awesome. The irony that this ironic band name is not actually applied to a band but instead to a beloved summer camp treat, is not at all lost on me. And I fucking LOVE kettle corn. Even if it is inherently evil in that barefoot-rural/Menudo-age-policy sort of way.

Royer’s Round Top Café is the only vendor with a couple of strategic change-making selections: $3.50 for a “Cutie Pie” and $5.50 for a “Choice Beef Filet Wrap”. I have no clue what kind of pie filling “Cutie” might be, or what “Choice” is referring to for the “Wrap”, but the price points are pretty keen. This is quite clever considering everyone else has their items at even-dollar prices to cut down on the silver factor. I expect ol’ Royer’s will have that tip jar front and center, expectant to receive those bitterly unwanted quarters. No self-respecting sweatfester wants a bunch of festival change to bring an unwanted sag to their fanny pack.

I think Thistle should be applauded strictly for their attempt at a helpful display of combo-mathematics. A “Wrap” is listed as $6, as is their “Melt”, and a cookie is $1. Then, just in case the comprehension of those three listings completely tapped out your ability to comprehend… anything, there’s a separate menu listing for “Wrap or Melt with a Cookie $7”. You just don’t see this type of consideration for the arithmetically-disinclined on any of the other vendors’ menu listings.

Heat.

Pray that a hurricane whips up in the gulf to provide you some shade. Failing that, you’re allowed to bring non-beach-type umbrellas. I recommend you bring seven of them, clustered around your person like a Death Blossom. It’s your only hope to avoid getting full-blown melanoma before Bjork hits the stage and scares the shit out of little children for miles around.

Port-o-lets.

I recommend adult diapers, and an awareness of where large, adult-diaper-sized trash receptacles are on the festgrounds in order to save yourself from all guaranteed port-o-let anxiety.

Otherwise, don’t act like you’re going to be able to pound down sixteen Heinekens and a pint of smuggled vodka without having to darken one of these disaster-boxes at least once per festival day. I recommend that you hold off for as long as possible, preferably until after it’s dark, but while your eyes are still sun-blinded, and try your damnedest to be swaying-drunk. Best that you not actually see the facilities that you’ll be attempting to utilize. Otherwise, you’ll be fully aware and honestly afraid of touching any of the Lake LBJ-like surfaces in there. And besides, if you're properly inebriated, you won’t have to feel any guilt about adding to that nastiness after you degrade the entire interior of the thing due to failed attempts at avoiding that ever-building lake of sewage that will inevitably cover the portable’s floor.

It would not surprise me to learn that some fest-goers will simply opt to soil themselves rather than take a full hour to bravely navigate the sea of chairs and Soviet bread lines between them and the portables, just to maintain their dignity (whatever that means). Some things simply aren’t worth the hassle.

Actually Experiencing The Bands That “Justify” The Admission Cost.

Unless you are willing to set up a fortified chair-camp in front of the stage where your preferred musician(s) will be playing, a full seven hours before they start, and then successfully defend this position against a constant assault by other chair-camping marauders and leach-like non-chair ne’er-do-wells (perhaps invoking the umbrella Death Blossom to this end), prepare yourself for some awesome-but-confusing song-echoing, and the incessant drunken banter of the other thirty-thousand dirty people you’re touching toes with, a super-sweet half-mile from the stage.

It’s kinda like buying a boombox from a garage sale, putting used batteries in there, tuning it to an A.M. station, throwing it into the deep end of a pool, and then trying to watch/listen to it from the high dive, pretending “it’s like I’m RIGHT THERE with the band!”

But in all seriousness, Dylan’s mustache will still look fucking sweet, even from the opposite stage (from which I feel confident it WILL be visible).

Contact the author of this article or email tips@austinist.com with further questions, comments or tips.

By truecraig in Other on September 11, 2007 11:45 AM 0 Comments

Comments [rss]

guest

craig, that is *completely* how i felt before the bjork show. about the nastiness. i waited in line for a half hour (at dusk, mind you) for the privilege of standing in a small plastic room filled with human waste.

but it felt oddly...revelatory. maybe in the sense of metaphor, e.g., this is what will happen if environmentalists don't win the battle (outside of ACL's domain).

some deep sh-t for y'all, no pun intended.

truecraig

Oh, I never meant to recommend that anyone wait until AFTER dark to start DRINKING. Lord no. That's not my style. If you have booze, or access to it, you have an obligation to your bored liver to dive right into that pool of futuremistakes. Unless you're a communist robot.

I meant to wait until AFTER dark to start PISSING. So that the darkness could help cloak the nastiness contained in those port-o-lets. That's all.

Next year, the sombreros will RUN THE FEST. Bet.

Thanks for the recap, shifter.

shifter

ok - a retrospective on the whole festivus.

chairs: true - not good to bring and lug around. fortunately one of the planning czars provided for the lazy and have created a chair barn (storage area) so that they can be left (abandoned) when the urge to rush the stage comes. of course chairs are essential to the building of a rest area / chair line for those that travel in large groups.

drinking: don't drink before sundown is by far the lamest festival advice ever. drink. drink when you arrive at 11 and continue until 10. however the drinks you drink should be properly chosen . make sure that there is always water and lots of it. then figure on how to mix vodka with the various tasty agents available in the festival (tea, lemonade, etc). I will secede the point that holding off on drinking beer until sundown is a fairly good idea. for one, you're buzzed on vodka / rum / whiskey / gin drinks and beer is the perfect longevitator. and two: beer isn't exactly the optimal hydration drink for mid-day scorchers.

that's all for now. one more thing craig: your mensa question has been answered:

http://www.flickr.com/photo_zoom.gne?id=1389088723&size=l

also, sombreros were out in moderate force; not nearly the turnout hoped for though.

SolMan

ACL survival tips/rants:

Don't bring a chair! Do you want to haul that thing around all day? Do you want to be stuck in one place all day? Chairs suck. Push your way toward the front of the stage like a proper rock and roller.

Don't drink before sundown. You'll feel a lot better if you get your drunk on in the cool of the evening. If you start drinking at 1, you'll be wanting to nap by 6. Or you'll be in the medical tent. Either way, not the best use of your limited beer funds.

Bring your suit and go jump in Barton Springs. It'll instantly lower your body temperature. And, it's right across the street. I didn't really "get" Barton Springs until I jumped in after spending hours in the 108 degree heat at ACL.

Sunscreen helps.

So does a hat, it's like being in the shade all day. Besides, you'll look stupid when melanoma takes out the top chunk of your ear.

Don't eat anything else before sundown. Eat like a Buddhist while the sun shines. Then get drunk and overload on meat products.

The shuttle bus is for suckers. Huge lines coming in and insane lines if you leave after the headliner. Walk, ride a bike or take a pedicab.

Don't wait in line for the portapotty. There is a portapotty somewhere with less than 3 people waiting in front of it. Seek and ye shall find. Don't just go to the nearest one like a lazy, stupid sheeple.

guest

yer ma.

b

when i wrote that, bre, i never meant to almost kill you -- i swear.

but who was the comeback kid with the omni joke?

guest

Hey. Does this guy say anything in all those words about how to sneak in for free? I only want to listen to one song. Promise I'll leave right after.

Bre

This whole thread makes me incredibly, incredibly happy.

"that's some joke to make about the american astronomical society."

I am nearly dead with laughter. Well played, all.

truecraig

I predict that this year's ACL will be "the year of the sombrero plague". Odds on that?

guest

let's hope all the people with chairs cancel...

guest

I think I wil ride a bus downtown, make me a big straw hat out of palm leaves, the kind that covers my whole body, and write on the outside, "LET MY PEOPLE GO! UGLY HATS WANT TO LIVE IN THE TRASH CAN!" and invade the Stephen F.

That might be fun.

guest

Ah yes, chicken cones accompanied by smuggled titos mixed with sweat leaf tea await; a true festival tradition. This year's dark horse is boomerang pies with gin accompaniment (both newly introduced last year).

I think I'll attempt to invade the beach area yet again and build fortifications that allow for the simultaneous defense of Austin Ventures / Blue Room area while remaining within striking distance of AT&T. Proper moat construction and use of tall-boy cans should allow for a LEED rating of silver, which appeases the chair people while the sand confuses those that sway. The only danger is the ingenuous infiltration techniques of drunkly rampaging toddlers and their inattentive guardians.

guest

or "Truesday: On Fisting" Well Craig, any heretofore unpublicised interest in rectum abuse? Rectum? I nearly killed 'em!

I'll tell you who wrote this when I see you Thursday!

guest

Oh shut up already. I been listening to KGSR all day trying to win tickets and I'm about ready to put a rake through the face of the first person I see sporting a wristband and / or a strawbomination.

cymblue

Oh, Chicken Cones. You are only 3 days away!

guest

Everytime I see this over on the left I think it says "Truesday: On Farting". Kind of like Oat Willie. Onward through the fart.

truecraig

I hear the Murderous Heat might have to cancel their appearance if too few: infants, infirms, or octogenarians show up to Zilker by noon on Friday.

guest

funny, you!

guest

No no no. I was talking about the Statesman. But the other AAS is reporting that the moon might cancel if she doesn't get the penthouse suite at the Omni.

guest

that's some joke to make about the american astronomical society.

guest

The AAS is reporting that the porta potties are now cancelling for ACL. They're tired of getting shat on all the time.

oh steph

Damn it #8, I just peed in my pants a little.

I am pretty certain that the only thing that would make me riot would be if Hudson's on the Bend cancelled their Chicken Cone set.

guest

i heard dylan's moustache is cancelling its ACL performance.

Benj

'Dylon' are an ironically-named act, duh. It's those emaciated Scandinavian twins with all the pedals and egg-shakers. I'm just pissed they're playing at the exact same time as Arcade Tire.