Settle down, gore hounds, for this weekend’s movie releases are clearly not for you (put your blood-soaked dreams of a modernized Michael Myers on hold for one more week). The real question is – are this week’s new releases for anyone? If fans of Scarlett Johansson’s panty lines and Rowan Atkinson’s crotch shots really do exist, then there must be at least a few audience members out there reveling in the fact that their time has finally come.

The Nanny Diaries: Are we going to be tracked down and pummeled by rabid fans if we fess up to not really understanding why ScarJo is the recipient of such constant, universal love and admiration? Or are we just going to be attacked for calling her ScarJo? Either way, she does her best impersonation of Anne Hathaway in this movie that might as well be marketed as The Devil Wears Prada set in the realm of childcare. Speaking of children, if you popped out a baby girl about twelve years ago, here’s the perfect chance to take her to the movies. [Website] [Trailer]

Resurrecting the Champ: Josh Hartnett and Samuel L. Jackson star in one of the weekend’s more promising celluloid contributions. An uninspired sports writer (Harnett) encounters a homeless man (Jackson) that claims to be a boxing legend. Since homeless subject matter is rumored to be Austinist’s “thing,” maybe you’ll see us there. [Website] [Trailer]

Mr. Bean’s Holiday: Mr. Bean is back and you’ve probably seen enough of the character to know whether or not you’ll be back in the theatre to witness his return. This time, Bean takes his gross, G-rated antics on the road. Watch Bean put a turkey on his head! Watch Bean hump the air (enough crotch from you, Bean)! Watch people leave the theatre! [Website] [Trailer]

Illegal Tender: Is your gun-toting, secretive, vengeful mother pressuring you to join the family business? See this story of a young Latino man who must rise up to fill the shoes of his gangster father to know you’re not alone. [Website] [Trailer]

September Dawn: Only months since his daughter’s journey into real world tragedy in A Mighty Heart, actor Jon Voight decides to have a go at it. We know that after being bombarded by news of religious terrorism on a day-to-day basis, the first thing you want to do for a little escape is see a film revolving around religious terrorism -- 19th century style. The movie “graphically dramatizes” the true story of the Mountain Meadows Massacre. The massacre consisted of a Mormon-organized sacrifice of sorts that occurred on September 11th, 1857 (if you were wondering, the date is milked for all its worth in the trailer).

P.S. This movie is way too serious for a crotch reference. We'll hold ourselves back (even if it involved Angelina). [Website] [Trailer]

Right at Your Door: More terror(ism). With 24 on hiatus, it can be hard to live life without seeing people flee from nuclear attacks in Los Angeles every week. That’s why this movie exists. The poster sums it all up with three simple visuals: falling ash, a gas mask, and the Hollywood sign in the background. Seriously, is Kiefer in this? [Website] [Trailer]

War: It has been four years since Cradle 2 the Grave. We hadn’t noticed that until today. If this is something you’ve been aware of for a while, Jet Li has some high kicks (that counts as celebrity crotch, by the way) with your name on them. [Website] [Trailer]

Also opening this weekend
Rocket Science
Teenager Hal Hefner (Reece Daniel Thompson) inhabits a cosmically ridiculous, often incomprehensible world. His erratic stutter can leave him hopelessly tongue-tied at the worst possible moments, sending him fleeing for his secret refuge—the high school janitor's closet. So it comes as a complete, though not unwelcome, surprise when the debate team's star member, the hyper-articulate beauty Ginny Ryerson (Anna Kendrick), approaches Hal to join her team. [Trailer]

2 Days in Paris
French photographer Marion and American interior designer Jack attempt to re-infuse their relationship with romance on a European vacation. But the combination of Marion's offbeat and overbearing non-English speaking parents and flirtatious ex-boyfriends don't make for an auspicious beginning. Will they be able to salvage their relationship? Will they ever have sex again? Or will they merely manage to perfect the art of arguing? [Trailer]

[Showtimes]