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*The views expressed in Truesday are those of the author and do not represent Austinist as a whole. Thank heavens.* -The Editors
Everyone’s already crying about wristbands and how many pallets of stacked cash the sinister Black will be shipping off to his uncharted volcano island in the Pacific. What no one here in Austin wants to admit is that this festival is not for locals. I’m not willing to dig deep on this, but the festival itself is likely funded in some way, publicly. Why? Because it brings crazy huge revenues to every corner of our city. And it’s that “public” monetary support which likely causes those who run it to “offer” wristbands to non-industry types, but ONLY THOSE LIVING IN THE 512 because it’s THEIR taxes which get funneled into the operation of the thing (road blocks, upped police forces, permits for expanded venue spaces, etc). On top of that, the industry folk don’t want to keep out the entire population of unwashed plebes because a goodly portion of them are young, pretty, and impressionable.
Those young and cute college kids at UT are a part of the draw, whether anyone admits it or not. Youth is fetishized in this country, and nowhere is that more obvious than in the music industry. It may be called a “festival”, but it’s still an industry “convention”. And conventions have needs. Specifically, booze, sexual tension (hopefully with release), time in a cooler-than-where-everyone-else-lives city, and a getaway from the daily trappings of family life.
That’s what makes Austin such a brilliant location for this event. It works. It might even make some people some money. Oh heaven forbid!
So there’s something for everyone at SxSW, and if those who bust their asses to put it all together make some cash out of the deal, then so be it. But the other side of that coin is that with success comes criticism. If you’re on top, you better expect a slew of downstreamers to tear you a new one, whether they have the right or not. Black knows that, which is probably why he’s so smug about it. What’s he supposed to say? “Yeah, sometimes I make decisions in my life with the intention of profiting from them. So uniquely evil, I know. Ta-dah, you got me. Now if you’ll excuse me I have to catch the bus to make my twice-weekly ego massage appointment.”
While everyone else cries foul and follows misty money trails, the rest of us go out, get absolutely obliterated for an entire week, and have contests to discover which country the worst haircuts are coming from these days. We’re so much easier to please.
My bets are on Scotland this year. Those crazy Scots! With their girlfriend-stealing accents! Damn them and their smooth doooooooos!
So it’s likely to be another difficult-to-remember week. Like Vegas, but involving less money and, well, I guess it’s just less money. The rest of the vacant morality is pretty much parallel. Short issue with the festival week: it’s hard to remember what the fuck went down after all those gallons of FREE poison.
Man, free booze really DOES taste better. Deliciousness.
So, in my typical list-happy fashion, I quickly jotted down three sweetly funtacular ways to make this SxSW more memorable for you and your band of merry miscreants. These are just guides, really, as you will likely want to adopt them to fit your own feel.
1. Pick a specific drink that you normally do not bother with, and make it your flagship drink for SxSW 2007. This one’s easy, really. Just mix whatever in whatever and drink it like your momma packed it in your sack lunch. Perhaps some Peach Snapple and spiced rum, in the Snapple bottle. Or fresh papaya juice with whiskey and bitters in a metal canteen. Vodka, Bud Lite and turpentine in a raccoon hat. Whatever. You get the drift. The idea is that maybe two years down the line, when you’re at another one of those trade shows for hybrid gas/electric anal probes or whatever, someone in front of you at the hotel bar will ask the tender for
“three Whiskey Shitting Monkeys.”
Tender: “straight up in empty Gatorade bottles, or in dirty sake boxes?”
Drinker: “oh, mix it up and surprise me!”
To which you will proudly bellow from behind “holy fuck! I MADE THAT FUCKING DRINK UP! Back at SxSW in 2007 when I shit myself!”
[Their eyes turn to you, in curious fear]
Drinker: “…”
Tender: “you what?”
Drinker: “…”
You: “I was on the kitchen floor of my friend’s apartment with a gash in my left leg, I think I fell out of a moving vehicle earlier in the day, south-by is sooooo crazy! I think the original drink had human urine in it. I’d know it if I smelled it, for sure. I shit myself twice during that week, once after passing out on my neighbor’s roof, hence the drink’s name.”
Tender: “…”
Drinker: “…”
You: “Had to shower in the yard a couple of times that week.”
Tender: [with a violent furrowing of his brow] “…”
Drinker: “Shut-“
Tender: “How did you get in here?”
Drinker: “-up.”
You: “seriously, that’s how it happened! And now you’re ordering it right in front of me! It’s fate! I’m totally a part of history now! Seriously!”
Drinker: “Well.”
Tender: “I’m serious too. Was the door just wide open? Was there anyone else AT the door when you came in?”
You: “Barkeep, let’s make that five Shitting Monkeys. Three for him, and two for me, for ol’ times sake! Good thing I’ve got my shittin’ trousers on tonight, right?!! Aha-ha-ha!!” [toward Drinker, in obligatory high-five stance] “Up TOP!”
Drinker: [disinclining your high-five] “Thanks America-”
You: “Oh, you’re most definitely welcome there, fellow drinker.” [wince-inducing wink]
Drinker: “-for ruining my life.”
Tender: [on phone, suspiciously eyeing you] “yep, that’s right. Bring bailing wire, two live ferrets, NO – just the two bigger ones, and a car battery.”
2. Pick a movie from the past, preferably recent past, to have playing on your TV constantly. This way, there will always be some kind of noise happening in your crib that will be both stimulating to your progressively pickled mind, and a swell reminder of the fun you will never remember about Sx ’07 whenever The Naked Gun shows up somewhere on network television in the future. Besides, it’s hard to be constantly witty and up-beat when you’ve been on the verge of complete organ failure for four days. Quoting Fletch every fifteen minutes will do wonders for the collective spirit of your crew.
3. Pick a theme song for you and your friends to use in thick crowds in order to quickly locate one another. Make it easily recognizable for everyone involved. Cartoon theme. “Captain…” and then wait for the “Cave Maaaaaaaaaan!!!” And as always, eighties sitcoms are a goldmine for shit like this. I don’t mean trying to sing over the whining vocals of that band of trick-or-treaters on stage at any music venues. Those vocal stylings will require sophisticated texting devices to overcome. But out in the streets, or between sets at the renegade magazine parties, it would be both helpful and entertaining to be able to shout into a crowd “well we're movin’ on up…” and have it answered back with “to the east sigh-hide,” and then “to a de-lux apartment, in the sky-high-high” from inside a nearby port-o-let. Just so you know where everyone’s at.
I’m really hoping to remember SxSW this year. Especially the more embarrassing moments.
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YESSSSSSSS.
so wise.
That's some optimistic talk. I admire it. It's so easy to wear a grimace as you elbow through the crowds and shoot the bird at the CA studio executive that just cut you off on MoPac. I am now seeing it as an opportunity to really see how far my liver can take me, expand my knowledge of al(cohol)-chemy and feel better about my non-commital haircut.
Thanks, Austinist.
genius, as always.
but what of a list for we sober SxSWers? maybe
1) get a gun
2) turn on self or others
or
1)endure st patrick's day sober for first-time ever
2) listen to lady soveriegn cuss you out at 500 decibals
3) order a something and red bull at the red bull house
4) stand around for 5 minutes as you contemplate drinking it
5) hand it to TC
6) steal the rock from unsuspecting drunk douches and make a nasty reverse lay-up while slapping the backboard
7) insert ipod earphones and walk home
"oh, what a niiight..."
Ah to be young and stupid again with a stomach that can take repeated abuse.
I would add to Sober's comments, get a friend with a camera to follow you around as you pretend to be a documentary host with a running commentary on the crowds on the streets bellowed out at the top of your lungs. Get a couple of other friends to tag-team as commentators stealing your microphone a la Monty Python.
“Here we see Homo Slackus Imbicilelious in their natural habitat trying to mate with Homo I’m Soooo Drunkenus Girlious using the time honor mating call….” Well, you should get the idea by now.
Me, I'm going to try to see a few films, and, if the lines are not too ridiculous, see The Trucks. I do love tongue-in-cheek performance artists, especially if they are cute as all get out.
Can I offer up the opinion that the wrist band is NOT worth it? I've gone to 3 or 4 SXSW's (all with a wrist band), and every year I find the number of shows that are open and available to me shrink. The truth of the matter is simple: If you want to see a band with any amount of buzz, accept that you will only be seeing 1 of them a night, 2 if you're lucky. But if you plan on seeing two, rest assured that the two you want to see will be the only two you see. You'll be waiting in line between shows.
Obviously this is a bit of a hyperbole, but not by much. I honestly believe that a better decision would be to choose one venue, and buy a ticket. If you only do three nights of the festival, you can still come in under the total cost that would have been paid for a wrist band. (I'm basing these numbers on 2003 or 2004 numbers, when a ticket at Stubb's cost $40.)
JG: I'll likely see you out there, but we'll both soon forget. Because liquor kills memories.
Beth, every SxSCloud has a silver tequila.
Matty-o, I remember that night. You must admit that for a second you WERE tempted! Glad you resisted. For many reasons, but mainly because I needed that drink like I needed a cab.
Conan, Sober (Matt) was referring to an actual incident from last year. I'll likely see you at Emo's on Sunday, if my young and stupid stomach survive.
Chris, that is a valid opinion on wristband economics. I've never bought a wristband, and I've never missed a band that I really and truly wanted to see. And for this year, unless there's a time machine involved, I do not care to see The Stooges. Just like The Stones, I am almost positive that they'll ruin the picture of their live shows that currently only exist in my mind, and the memories of those who actually witnessed their earlier years. I need those images to stay pristine to help me maintain my faith in the integrity of creative efforts.
I'd prefer to go see whoever I believe will be the NEXT Stooges, or whowever's ruining good music wherever there's free booze. Hey, we all have hobbies. Right?
Wristband holders just have to plan better. You can still see 100 bands from Wed. to Sun. if you plan right. Sounds like you were trying to go see all of the bands that get played out on the radio with the rest of the Top 40 crowd. Most of the best bands that play only play to venues that are 3/4 full. Another thing is that you can't stay for the entire show, pick you entry and exit times accordingly, not when the rest of the sheep move.