Breaking: Poison No Longer Headlining (as cause of bird deaths)

The ice has finally melted. Now we can attend to more pressing matters, like what killed those 63 birds on January 8th. Was it an infectious pathogen, or, more specifically, the 21st-century's chic and sensational pandemic to-be: birdflu? A vengeful restaurateur with handfuls of strychnine? Severe melancholy?

According to the Statesman, the scientists at Texas A&M have finally weighed in with their official bird probing results. Apparently, and more disgustingly, the birds were "heavily parasitized." When the temperature dropped that fateful evening, the birds, with some help from their parasites, dropped too.

Seem like too facile an explanation for you? Why all the spacemen suits? Why not send the carcasses to UT? Is our "homeland" really secure? Well, Austinist has found the semi-official conspiracy theory -via Newsvine- and offers a link here for your consideration. Neither Rikki Rockett nor Bret Michaels, with his lush, pouting lips, could be reached for comment.