It was a dark night. The scene: A tanning salon, closed up for the night. The cats: An old man and a teenage boy, both dressed in black burglar outfits, only their eyes showing through their wool ski masks.
“Jonesy, what’s the plan?” asked the youth to the old man.
“Sheddup! And keep cool, Jack! We’re gonna score man, but first we gotta climb up through that window, dig?”
He took the last drag from his clove cigarette and flicked it. “Gimme a boost, man,” whispered Jonesy, a hip old cat, nodding above them to the open transom. Jonesy always had his ear to the street. He knew the scene.
Five minutes later, they were inside the tanning salon. The kid helped Jonesy down from the window, then the two ran over to the tanning beds, giggling with glee.
“Plug it in, man!” Jonesy whispered hoarsely to the boy. “Do it, yeah!”
Jonesy stripped down and climbed in first – he was older, so he always got dibs – as the tanning bed slowly grew warmer with ultraviolet delight. Soon it began to glow with neon blue radiance.
“Jonesy, c’mon man! Lemme in! I got the shakes, dig? I need a hit!”
And he did, that was sure enough, but not before Jonesy. This was his high, and he never cut short a tanning session, not for anyone. You see, these two cats were junkies – real UV-ray addicts, see – and, baby, a junkie don’t care about anyone but himself.
“Piss off, runt. I call the shots, see? This was my score. Scram…go plug in another machine.”
The kid paced unevenly to another tanning bed on the other side of the room. As he bent over with shaking hands to plug the power cord into the wall, sweat dripped in buckets down his back. He had to hurry. Soon, the Sickness would be all over him like a bear.
Such is life for a tanning addict.
According to a special report released by News 8 Austin on Monday, there is some sort of subculture of people out there who are addicted to tanning. UV junkies. Now, say what you want about more culturally-accepted addictions like heroin, cigarettes, alcohol, porn or obsessive finger-nail trimming, but at least these are easily explained. How one can actually morph from a law-abiding citizen into an ultraviolet light junkie is a mystery that only the vainest among us can possibly comprehend.
According to News 8’s article – entitled “Addicting to Tanning?” – it’s relatively easy to find yourself addicted to fake-baking. Your body can become hooked on the UV radiation from the very first session. After that, the hook is set and the creepy tanning salon manager with the spandex shirt has you in his pocket. And if you stop going, the withdrawal symptoms can be horrendous, often including uncontrollable vomiting, disrupted bowels, headaches, mood swings and the sudden realization that you’re actually one of those people out there who actually “tan.”
Last week, experts at John Hopkins University released their research findings on this grim phenomenon. Included in their report is a list of tanning addiction symptoms. Are you a tanning addict? Here’s a sample of questions from the report:
• Does tanning actually seem like a good way to spend your time?
• Do you own your own pair of eye-cover thingies?
• Do you have a horribly distorted fashion sense?
• Is your skin leathery, orange and covered with cancerous moles?
• Does the sight of pale skin offend your sense of morality, purpose and justice?
• Do you feel embarrassed and foolish when your skin isn’t the color of an irradiated butternut squash?
If you answered “yes!” to any of these questions, you could be in trouble. Austinist advises you to seek psychological help. Maybe a licensed professional can find out what’s wrong with you.
*Pictures of a tanning bed (aka, "sunbed") and the Earth's Sun courtesy of Wikipedia, Header image from image*after.
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awesome. i was totally beside myself when i saw this on tv.
Tanorexia is a serious disease.
Brilliant.