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Stupid Student Tricks, Final Exam Edition
Classes have ended at The University of Texas and winter is finally here, the time when girls trade short skirts for sweatpants and guys replace short-sleeve UT shirts with long-sleeve UT shirts. For the students at UT Austin, it's been a pretty tough year. West Campus construction has kept them up all night, their football team choked, APD won't let them party as hard, and now, starting tomorrow, it's final exam time.
Where do these future leaders of Texas seek refuge from their middle class dilemmas? Parents, counseling, or support groups? No, drugs and alcohol! Perhaps you've noticed an unusually high number of red-eyed students wondering around aimlessly, asking for "sweet deals" at campus eateries. Surely you've seen Natty Ice or Keystone cans scattered on surrounding street corners. But, rest assured, there is some hope. The student body isn't just getting drunk and high, no, this semester they've been plenty busy pissing off cops, warding of pranksters, getting naked, cross-dressing and burning shit.
Since we last clued you in, roughly two months have passed and the students have become a little more restless and a lot more daring. Although October provided one crime free day--Wednesday, the 25th--each day averaged about around forty incidents. We're mostly liberal arts folks here, but we figure that's about one crime per acre. Below, what the estimated general numbers look like from the past two months:
-1,826 Alarm Calls
-144 Suspicious Activity Reports
-117 Medical Calls
-52 Collision Reports
For the uninitiated, with a school of over 50,000 students, one or two are bound to run into the law every once in a while. Whenever this happens, the UT Police Department lets us know through a bi-weekly newsletter, in compliance with The Jeanne Clery Disclosure of Campus Security Policy and The Campus Crime Statistics Act. This all-campus blotter, complemented with its unique brand of hard-justice satire, is available for e-mail subscription here. We've sifted through all the nonsense, to bring you the best these current drinkers and future leaders have to offer. Enjoy! Half here, half after the jump.
#10 "Lady" In Red
PCL, Suspicious Activity: An unknown subject wearing a red wig was observed entering the 3rd floor women's restroom. The unknown subject left the library prior to the arrival of the police. The subject was described as: black male, late 40s, 6'-0" and wearing a red wig. Occurred on: 10-03-06, at 2:00 PM.
#9 Three Bodily Fluids In One Sitting!
400 Block of W. 26th, Public Intoxication: A UT student was observed falling into a metal fence while providing alcohol-enriched compost for a local area home owner. After filling the allotment, the subject continued to vomit on himself. During the investigation the officer observed that the subject had attempted, unsuccessfully, to evacuate other bodily fluids. During the investigation, the officer detected a very strong odor of alcohol on the subject's breath and observed that his eyes were bloodshot and watery. While talking to the subject, the subject lost his balance and fell, causing the officer to catch him before he hit the ground. The subject was taken into custody for Public Intoxication and transported to Central Booking. Occurred on: 10-27-06, at 2:07 AM.
#8 Physical Anthropology Project?
Jester Dormitory, Suspicious Activity: A UT police officer observed 6 UT students huddled around a small fire. During the investigation the students informed the officer that they had found the fire and were gathering around it to keep warm. All 6 students were informed that the ambient temperature was warmer inside Jester Dormitory then outside on the Sports Court. Occurred on: 10-13-06, at 3:39 AM.
#7 The "Lady" And The Damp
300 Block of W. 21st, Criminal Trespass Warning: A non-UT subject was observed lying on the ground with his dress hiked up around his waist exposing his thong underwear. During the investigation, the subject informed the officer that he was urinating while lying on the ground and did not want to get his dress wet. The subject was issued a written criminal trespass warning and escorted from the area. Occurred on: 10-14-06, at 4:50 PM.
#6 Hurry, Check Craigslist!
DKR-Texas Memorial Stadium, Theft: A football helmet containing the autographs of 16 Heisman trophy winners was stolen from a kiosk between sections 5 and 6. Loss value: $3,900.00. Occurred on: 10-14-06, at 9:47 PM.
#5 All-Nighter + Student - Wendy's = This Guy
Jester Dormitory, Consumption of Alcohol by a Minor / Criminal Mischief / Criminal Trespass: A UT student was reported as threatening employees and spitting. Prior to the arrival of the officer the subject had left the area. During the investigation, the store manager informed the officer of the following events. A student entered her store and placed an order to go. After placing his order the subject began pounding the cash register with his fists. This caused the register to stop working. The subject then walked over to the condiment area and spat on the ketchup dispenser. The manager provided the name of the subject to the officer since he had completed his purchase using Bevo Bucks. As the investigation continued, officers located the subject and he was positively identified by the stores employees. The officer had detected a very strong odor of alcohol on the subject's breath and discovered that he was under the legal age of 21. The subject was issued a written criminal trespass warning and told not to return the store. Since he had been consuming alcohol, he received a field release citation for the Consumption of Alcohol by a Minor. Criminal mischief charges are still pending at this time. Occurred on: 10-18-06, at 3:16 AM.
#4 The One That Got Away
2600 Witchita Block, Theft: A UT department placed a tire immobilizer on a black 4-door Subaru for unpaid parking tickets. Parking and Transportation Services later discovered that both the vehicle and the tire immobilizer had left the area. Loss value: $500.00. Occurred: between 9-23-06 and 10-03-06.
#3 Fixed-Gear High Speed Chase!
2400 Speedway Block, Evading Arrest or Detention: A non-UT subject riding a grey Bianchi road bicycle attempted to pass a marked police vehicle on the right side of the roadway. The rider then hit the passenger side window with his hand then sped away. The officer observed the rider disregard the stop sign as he sped off. The officer attempted to stop the rider for the traffic violation. The rider refused to stop, even after being directed to do so over a public address system. The rider led the several officers south, where they lost sight of the rider. Two State Troopers observed the chase and attempted to stop the subject. The subject rode between both troopers. The subject was located again near 6th Street and again was told to stop by a UT officer over a public address system. The subject refused to stop and led the officer to the Town Lake Hike and Bike trail where the bicyclist was apprehend after a short foot chase. Occurred on: 10-11-06, at 6:33 PM.
#2 Major: Nudity, Minor: Mime
400 Block of E. 23rd, Failure to Identify: A UT student was observed walking down the street completely nude. The subject would not talk to the officers after being stopped. The officer attempted to write instructions to the subject on his note pad. The subject would take the officer's note pad and write profanities on a piece of paper. He would then rip that page out of the notebook and throw the paper over his shoulder. The subject began laughing and gave the officer a name. The subject was taken into custody for Disorderly Conduct and placed in the back of a police vehicle. While being transported to Central Booking, the subject again started laughing and informed the officer what his true name and date of birth was. The subject was charged with Failure to Identify. Occurred on: 10-15-06, at 4:30 AM.
#1 Aggies Pull Off A Great Prank. Yeah, Really
The South Mall, Arson: A UT student observed three unknown white males running away from the South Mall. The student soon discovered a small fire burning in the same area that he had seen the subjects running from. During the investigation, the student informed the officer that he had seen a white truck parking along 21st Street with the engine running. The three subjects who ran from the South Mall got into the truck and left the area at a high rate of speed. As the investigation continued the officer discovered that a flammable liquid had been used to burn a 15' X 20' T A&M into the grass. Loss value: $1,000.00. Occurred on: 11-12-06, at 4:53 AM.
Photo courtesy of Andrew Chan.
