Truesday: A Wassailing We Should Go

The culprit: widespread hatred of all things jesus-y or too white-people-ish. And I must admit that I have been deeply complicit in this backlash against white-washed, joe-shmoe ‘merican values. I considered mounting my own campaign to rid the world of all Bing Crosby albums, It’s A Wonder Life viewings (especially the Technicolor shit-take ones), and any music ever made by Sufjan or that gay kid who played second fiddle in that American Idol idiot fest. But, I’m too lazy for that. Plus, those Sufjan fans are pretty protective of his croonings. I don’t want to get cut in the process.

Most of us had absorbed all we could of the caroling phenomena by the early eighties. The Christmas specials, the school plays, and Toys R Us had all conspired against the proper use of the carol to spread good cheer. And even though I’m operating without the aide of research, science, or common sense, I’m going to go ahead and say that caroling died in the early eighties as a result. Too much jesus and white-people over-marketing in that over-bleached Seasons-Greetings soup.

The plan for restitution: make the songs palatable again. Something you wouldn’t shun your neighbors for singing outside your current hooverville.

It would be too complicated to start from scratch. Plus, let’s face it, we all have soft-spots in our diseased hearts for classic Christmas songs. It’s just that the whole religious, super-Caucasian thing drives people to crank up Spank Rock and punch babies instead.

So, here are some alternatives which I believe would totally bring caroling back into vogue. Try them out in your ‘hood, and let me know just how well they’re received by everyone of every possible demographic. Ever.

Jingle Bells.

The problem with this song is that no one rides in a sleigh anymore. Horses are for Lord of the Rings characters. In the REAL Middle Earth, motherfuckers drive, okay? Or they ride/fall-off-of their oil-spitting Vespas. Maybe a vintage French fold-up or hybrid bike. The concept itself is almost too outdated to bother with.

Then, there are the words used. “Oar the fields we go”, “baking spirits brize” or whatever the hell they’re talking about. That’s old, jibberish-laden vernacular that belongs in those books that the library keeps that no one ever reads and eventually get used to heat the homeless. “Bells on bop rails”? You’ll get stabbed in the neck asking what aisle that shit’s on at Home Depot.

So, I shortened it and adjusted the lyrics so that they’ll appeal to today’s busy caroler, who is likely trying to multitask and is harboring all sorts of deep-seated hatred for everyone.

Jingle bells,
jingle bells,
all your dad and his friends all act like mob of closeted fags and I hit your dog with my car three years ago.
So, that’s all pretty shitty, all-the-way.

Wow. Where to start with this one. I could easily take the title and “Black” it up, but that’s WAY too obvious, and would sound too much like a door-to-door witch hunt or something. Besides, the guy’s obviously talking about cocaine.

So that’s kinda alright, since it’s so universal.

Apparently back during the early Rococo period, when the song was originally written and performed, cocaine was as legal as slapping your children in grocery stores. But in today’s world of laws or whatever, it would be best to hide the fact that it’s about drugs, and call it “White China Christmas”. You know, so only people who were around back in 1970 would know what it meant. Wink-wink! And the lyrics would have to be cinched-up here and there to help drive home the song’s concept.

I… haven’t dream-ed…
for threeeeeeeee… whole day-ays.
Just like the timesssssss with that whore in Reno.
May these bennies… be drows-y, toniiiiiiiiiiiiiiight.
And may all, your, wi-indows, be unlocked tomorrow while you’re at work so that when I creep in to take your Wii I won’t have to break glass or whateverrrrrrrrrrr.

Oh Christmas Tree

Yeah, it’s actually Tannenbaum, but in today’s madcap world, there are far too many associations with Royal and his band of familial miscreants. Too distracting. What needs to happen is that this German rip-off is made, once again, modern for today’s masses. I recommend swapping out “Tree” with “Lights”. Then use the following supplemental lyrics to bring those tidings of neighborly joy!

Oh Christmas Lights, Oh Christmas Lights, How ridiculous that shit looks when you haven’t mowed your goddamn lawn since April.

Oh Christmas Lights, Oh Christmas Lights,
Same broken lights. So cheap your twelve kids probably drink their tears during dinner.

Your peeling house… is such a sight
Those dogs out back… all bread to fight.

Oh Christmas Lights, Oh Christmas Lights,
Dude, I’m going to hire those two caroling guys at the bus stop on 6th and Brazos to repeatedly befoul your carport if you don’t take down that broken plastic Santa with his eight tiny reindeer, hanging all lynched-like off your pine-needle-filled gutter. Along with all those stupid campaign signs from five years ago. Merry-merry and go wrestle something rabid.