Truesday: In-Box Thinking Owns You

That’s unacceptable. Wholly so. The least you could do is show up with a costume.

The rest is fate, so don’t bother trying to mess with that.

You need to slap something together that’s just good enough to get you through a stranger’s threshold without them noticing that you brought no booze and obviously know no one else on the premises. But there’s no need to slave over this shit. Be clever. Be creative. Crank up your lazy side. Turn down your overly-analytic side. And put together something easy and stupid.

With a BOX.

I obviously love italics.

Box costumes are the quickest. You cut holes for whatever limbs need to protrude, slice off the bottom so you can walk/run/climb-a-fence in the thing, and pow: instant costume. Of course, being just a box is pretty lame, so you’ll need to dress your box up a bit. But don’t go overboard. Because of the fact that a box will be covering most of your skin/nips, you won’t be winning any contests, so don’t bother getting too fancy. You’re simply trying to avoid getting turned away at the door of whatever party or parties you plan on attending but certainly weren’t invited to.

Three potentials -

#1 Ten years ago I was impressed with the “FREE MAMMOGRAM!” costumes. They’re fantastic! If you’re fifteen years old or have never seen one before. But with the whole intertubes full of the google and the flickr and the myspace and all, well, let’s just say it’s been done and lots of balls have dropped since we all had our collective laugh at the idea.

However, I respect the costume for its simplicity and it’s “fuck all y’all, I want to see some titties for free!” attitude. As if the designer is saying to the world, “hey, I enjoy three things: breasts, holidays, and most of all: anonymity!”. It goes beyond the normal silliness employed in current costume creation, and delves pretty deep into the shared consciousness of our society as a whole to illustrate what we’re all about: quick, easy, and it MUST involve sex. What could possibly be more ‘merican?

So I’m going to run with that and offer up the design for a “FREE PROSTATE EXAM!” costume. Feel free to replace the “PROSTATE EXAM” part with “ANAL PROBE!”, maybe “DICK IN YOUR ASS!”, or even “ONE-WAY TICKET TO OZ, BITCH!”. Whichever rows your boat the quickest. The best part is the versatility of the design. It’s reversible depending on your pitching/catching preferences.

Materials: one big box, a marker, paper towels (for “curtain”) and a general hatred for all people everywhere (the use of a prosthetic shlong is necessary for the ladies, and optional for the fellas). Make sure you’ve got an interior pocket for a tube of lube on the inside of that box. Just in case you get any takers.

Hello!

#2 In the nineties, it was all about going to parties as some Saturday Night Fever reject. Dudes nabbed any ol’ plastic white suit with a “hey, yes that IS my dick” tight crotch, bells at the bottom, and gold chains swimming in chest hair. Girls just feathered everything, wore some ho shorts and put on roller skates for that Xanadu action. Well, now it’s the millennium and the 80s are getting their shot at exploitation. So here’s your big chance to get far with little effort.

While everyone else is slaving away trying to find Blues Brothers outfits, putting on makeup to look like Poison, or slaving over how the hell to recreate a Max Headroom costume that anyone would remotely recognize, you’ll already be drunk on someone else’s bottle of cheap rum because your Rubik’s Cube costume took only ten minutes to do. And don’t over-compleximicate the thing like this. You’re just in this for free booze, hookers, and maybe some acid if there’s any around, so there’s no need to spell-out and boldly outline your concept. Not everyone appreciates being spoon-fed anyway. Dude means well, but painting is for artsy-types and day laborers.

Materials: one big square-ish box, a marker, loaded bun, brass knuckles, and a roller skate. I don’t know why the weapons and skate are involved, but when I drew the picture, they just made sense with the mohawk and all.

#3 Along the same sort of lines as the first two, but with fewer props: the Punch My Face Machine! No one will see this one coming, because, quite frankly, no one ever expects to be able to punch you in the face without immediate retort! A simple, elegant design that removes any pretense about how you believe the rest of world sees you. They all want to punch you in the face. And you’re offering up that chance in an effort to prove to the hating masses that you’re a giver, damnit. That you care about their needs and desires. Besides, who is actually going to take you up on it, right? You get to call the bluff of every (non prison) enemy you’ve ever made. They don’t have the balls to go through with it. No one’s THAT big of an asshole.

But if you go this costume route, make sure we coordinate our attendance to any and all parties, as I will likely waltz in donning this hand-in-glove (ZING!) matching design: The Face Punching Machine!

We can hang out until either of us gets tired or unconscious.

Materials: one big box, a marker, good running shoes, me and my costume.