Truesday: It's On Everyone's Face

Now I’m not trying to piss all over Franklin’s wispy, threadbare scalp or anything, but as a country, under god, we’re falling flat on our upturned noses. On lots of fronts.

1. The dollar is totally slipping away from us, which will make it harder and harder to maintain current exploitation levels.

2. We’re all fronted-out in the war department, which will make it harder and harder to escalate current exploitation levels.

3. Inflation is threatening to start kickin’ it with an economically necessary rise in interest rates, which will likely only cause a gaping hemorrhage in demand for all equity market offerings, along with a pathetically temporary stall in the unstoppable plummeting of overly-speculative bi-coastal property values.

4. All of the shows we pretend to watch at home, in order to escape our real lives, are shitty knock-offs of one shitty show that centered around star-hounding twats who were pretending to synthesize real life while singing other people’s songs on a light-bulb infested Chuck-E-Goddamn-Cheese stage.

It’s almost as if the viewers at home are the real sacrificial gladiators, and the assholes on the screen are totally stealing their thunder.

Regardless of harping detail, this nation, under god, is totally failing on many, many, many important fronts. Luckily, through some creative intelligence alchemy, I’ve distilled all of our previously bestest country’s issues down to five questions. Five bamboo reeds under our fingernails that must be made into loft flooring. Five horsemen of the Strawberry Poki Sticks that must be sold back into slavery. Five… awkward and strange numbered things.

1. How do we let the sick and infirm die without really helping them AND not feeling bad about it?

2. How do we bring peace to the world without doing whatever it is those creepy darker people probably want to do?

3. How do we convince the unbathed masses that their lord and savior does indeed hate them irrationally, but if they’re really, really good and do what they’re told, there’s a slight chance at last-minute redemption?

4. How do we explain to those filthy masses, while maintaining the integrity of whatever answers #2, that #3 is highly technical by design and not really a promise that can be made from person to person, church to person, or government to person?

5. How do we rid the world of the gays without a) feeling guilty or b) admitting to being one.

I’m recommending that we torch the whole tattered concept of any real divisions in governmental decision making. Because in reality, god decides all that shit anyway. So what rational logic points to, is a need for a good lightning rod [just for you, CB!]. A mouthpiece. Someone or something that god would gravitate to, through which he would channel all things and decisions of proper goditude. We’d quickly have usable answers to those real problems currently facing our crippled nation’s sense of infallible legitimateness and rarely questioned supremeness.

These are five important questions that need to be addressed by the front-thinkers of our great sorta-republic. Brilliant minds, open to all currently studied veins of Reborn thought. Every distant Christian discipline. All of them.

Even those weird and probably null-and-void ones that involve The Jews.

I predict that from on high, whilst funneling lordly wisdom through her faithfully manicured digits, our continued efforts to make good on manifest destiny will bring unto us the following resolutions to the aforementioned five issues, the sole problems of our great nation.

1. Strand them together, alone, on distant islands, just like in the good ol’ biblical times, for a good group smote. God shall sort them out.

2. Smote them into peace. If they resist, smote harder. God shall sort.

3. There’s a whole book on this subject, and they already know it. For those who don’t: fatal smoting. Gd shl st.

4. A reasonable pre-smoting shoulder shrug shall suffice. GSS.

5. Revive the classical “don’t tell, don’t smote” methodology of gayness constriction. God might forgive later. Otherwise, he’ll sort.

At this point, it’s like that movie where the big rock is flying toward Earth, and America has to step up to the plate and save the planet because everyone else is still using bones to kill each other and breaking rocks with bigger rocks to do math. So we send Bruce Willis along with a colorful cast of studio-archetyped misfits to totally blow that bitch up with superpower bombs. And the obvious plot hinge was that no one was gay or tried to abort a fetus (the clarification on how a gay fetus would be handled obviously hit the editing room floor).

That hunk of cinematic brilliance is the real metaphor for our times. Our real struggle. Our Mount Everest.

[Except we already conquered Everest. There’s a base there now, which is rented to the Canadians for extensive Mountie training. ]

Our big rock hurtling toward Earth: questions one through five.

Our Bruce Willis: Katherine Harris, who should be put up for election to the position of Grande Queen Potentate, in place of all other branches of Federal or Local government. All ballot boxes should be democratically stuffed if they do not already follow the word of god and grant her this position.

Case closed. Justice distributed. America saved.

Let’s get a little Jesus back on the face of America. All up on the cheek and chin, just, wherever it lands.