The Statesman Tells You Where You Can Get Your Crunk On

You may have read a little something in the news recently about The University of Texas being the #1 Party School in the country, much to the chagrin of trustees, parents and state officials, and much to the delight of proud 18-22 year olds.

In what we can only imagine is a bit of strategic timing on the part of our good friends over at the Austin American-Statesman, today, in their XL pull-out, they have a cover story on 50 Great Party Bars in Austin. We’re not sure exactly what constitutes a "Party Bar" in the eyes of the elder media statesmen in our town (although they say that “each candidate was judged according to its service, friendly drink prices and overall rock 'n' roll atmosphere.”), but it seems to us the list could have very well been called Best Bars With No Discernable Unique Identity to Go to If You Want to Get Completely Shitcanned on Cheap Drink Specials While Being Grinded on by Frat Guys, All the While Having a High Probability of Ending Up With a Schwag Margarita with a Rohypnol Floater. But that title's kinda clunky.

While XL has done some nice, thorough pieces that required quite a bit of leg work on places to Sip N’ Chat or go see live music, this list seems harried, ridiculous, and, most egregiously, unnecessary. In fact, much of the list just seems to be an inventory of bars on Sixth Street.

While we may have moved beyond our crazy college days, we do know a bit about rock n’ roll and partying, and we find it odd to see some of our favorite places to party missing from this list, including, but not limited to, Club de Ville, Sidebar, Casino El Camino, Longbranch Inn, G&S, Carousel Lounge, et al. There are a few decent choices, see: Hole in the Wall & Jackalope, but most of the list is littered with establishments we would not deem party-worth, much less rock n’ roll, see: Cheers Shot Bar, The Aquarium, Coyote Ugly, Dizzy Rooster, and on and on. And on.

Look, there are a lot of college kids in this town, many of whom we imagine do not even read the paper, especially in order to find out where they can get $1 drinks, and they deserve to “party” all they want. But let’s not be so hasty, good Statesman in calling something a Party Bar just because there are half-naked people dancing to bad music and throwing up on people’s shoes. Sounds more like a Party Barge.

In the words of the late, great Chris Farley from the low-brow hit Tommy Boy, “Hey, if you want me to take a dump in a box and mark it guaranteed, I will. I got spare time. But for now, for your customer's sake, for your daughter's sake, ya might wanna think about buying a quality product from me.”

You tell us. Which are the best bars in Austin for getting your party on? Or is the whole idea just ridiculous? We're starting to side with the latter.

*Image © Eliya on Flickr*

Contact the author of this article or email tips@austinist.com with further questions, comments or tips.

By mark hammer in Arts & Entertainment on August 24, 2006 10:00 AM 0 Comments

Comments [rss]

adamr

Wind cork? Lucky. I'm hung like a demi-sweet dorsal.

Jooley Ann

Oh! I just assumed "wind cork" was yet another term I was clueless about. Can't we make it mean something? And then see how long it takes for it to turn up in http://www.urbandictionary.com?

I'm a hopeless geek, aren't I?

truecraig

"wind cork"

Man. I can't even make fun of shit without screwing it all up. Meh.

Seriously though, I'll see everyone at The Aquarium this weekend. Maybe The Library (their radio commercials are SOOO funny! I seriously can't study when I'm there! It's SOOO TRUE!)

truecraig

OH HELL NO. I was so drunk off buttery nipples and Coors this one time at The Aquarium that I was telling this one chick Tara or Sara or Kara or Whatara about how I am so going to be next VP of Inside Sales for the Call Center Solutions Firm I'm working for nowadays and she was like, this dum ho in a sorWHOREity, so I figgered I was in like next of kin! But I had one to two too many of those sugary nips and I threw up three Best Wursts all over her and her fat, ugly wingbitch. They got all stupid about it, so I was like fuck y'all lesbian bitches and popped my collar like whhuuuuuuuuuuut. College girls are lame.

A man in my superior social position deserves a real woman anyway: way hotter with fake tits and fine friends I can cheat on her with. Like one or four of those Miller Lite chickens.

After I stiffed the bartender and lost my left Reef, I fell down by the bathrooms and two big black dudes ripped my powder pink Polo and threw me out into some horse shit. My pants were still down and some Mexican bitches laughed and said I was hung like a wind cork so I started a fight with some stupid poor people to remind myself to feel superior again and then Amexed a cab back to my bro-ham's house for some latenight beer pong and possibly-criminally-forced gay sex.

See y’all at the Aquarium tonight! I’m totally gonna get LAID!

Brenner

Oh, dude, me too!

I got so fuckin' DRUNK there last night! I mean, I was totally WASTED, man, and I was doing all SORTS of crazy shit, saying rude and barely coherent things to total STRANGERS, telling my friends what I REALLY thought, and almost FALLING DOWN a couple of times! I mean, whoa, the floor gets really fucking WOBBLY after a while, doesn't it? Like there's some weird machinery that the bartenders turn on to make it BUCKLE UNDER YOUR FEET or something! Ha! And after a couple hours, just like last week, I wound up puking my guts out! But in the WOMEN'S room this time! Dude, those girls were totally SCREAMING! And I didn't even hit the fucking toilet, I was pukin' all over the FLOOR, dude, oh my god, I was so fuckin' WASTED!

I did it right, right?

Am I cool now?

Am I an adult now?

Do I get to play with the big boys now?

C'mon, you guys, please?

adamr

I see your point sir, but still, why is Chuggin' Monkey not in the top ten where it deservedly belongs?

odam

pretty sure the list is alphabetical, so no top 10, etc.

adamr

I'm still pissed that Chuggin' Monkey didn't crack the Top 10. Next week's provocative culture piece from The Statesman: "50 Best Cinnabons In Austin." I can't wait. I've got duckets on Barton Creak Squares Shopping Plex Mall's Cinnabon being #1.

Fletch

I'm excited for next week's "Best Place to Buy a 40". I've really struggled trying to find cheap bottles of Steel Reserve.

bryan misprint

sorry dude, but in all seriousness,

cheers shot bar is awesome

Old Lady

Third for Barfly's. Haven't been there in years, but would definitely put it in my top three best boozehound bars. Perfect place for a night of drinky drinky, to be sure.

Donna

I second barfly's. I'm by no means a lightweight, but after three drinks in that place, poured by the shaved bald bartender, I'm on the floor. Sometimes I'm not even wanting to get that loaded so fast. Best of all, the drinks are cheap, even when you add premium liqour.

fogelsong

this guy being: http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v492/losbusdriver/349025550_s.jpg

fogelsong

Mugshots and Barflys. Owned by the same people $3.50 call drinks, with a heavy pour. If you really want to get messed up, go to Barfly's when this guy is bartending.

magnus

maybe they coulda called it Best Places to Get Date Raped.

Old Lady

What the hell is an "overall rock 'n' roll atmosphere"? Do these bars play Zeppelin, the Who, the Stones? Isn't that what "rock 'n' roll" is...?

And anyway, does anyone really call anything "rock 'n' roll" anymore? At least to mean anything other than headbanger goofyness?? Doooooode! ROCK and ROLL!! I believe this was Cake's drift when they thoroughly mocked the term. Twelve years ago.

I don't mind puff pieces, and I think it's fine for the Statesman to profile the bars on 6th St, but it would be nice if they kept the level at least slightly above Just Plain Silly. "Rock 'n' Roll" indeed.

Lauren

Agreed. At least they did mention a few likes Casino el Camino under their "dive bar" category...

ihopeihope

Maybe they wrote this article so the stoodie-students reading it will stay out of the good bars and stay in the cheesycrappy ones (minus the exceptions you mentioned). Hey, works for me.