Shocker: Austin Is A Drunk City

The following is commentary from Austinist contributor Truecraig, and does not necessarily reflect the opinions of Austinist or its staff. Except for the part about Finland. -- The Editors

This will not stand. Shame. Shame upon us all.

Our fair city is one built by winners. Winners and immigrants. Immigrant winners. And probably some Germans, but whatever.

But definitely not the French. Nay, never the French.

Regardless of who ISN’T a winner, we here in Austin are, by magnanimous default, winners in most common and universally held definitions of the word. Like Henry Rollins. That kind of common winner. He’s the best, just like us, and he used to have the biggest neck-to-waist girth-ratio of any human being since the precise measurement of such things began in Ye Olden Tymes.

Plus he’s super humble about it.

Like we are.

Which is why it is important that we all recognize what a failure we appear to be when we make total asses of ourselves on a national, nay: INTERNATIONAL stage. When we get caught without our morning makeup on. Without our A Game. When we listlessly piss on our own balls.

How is it that a city as great as ours, with a football team as most-winningest/vastly-superioristic as ours*, along with at least one University/College/Trade School/Coffee stand for every six goddamn people, ends up on the Forbes List of America’s Drunkest Cities?

At number five. Number five? What the fuck, man?

That’s just pathetic.

All we had to do was kick the shit out of everyone else in America (it’s not like we have to compete with Russians or Belgians, against which we’d be embarrassed like Finland in the Summer Olympics – actually, I have no idea how well they do, but luckily, no one else does either). The five categories of judgment were simple:

1. State Laws. We have lots of them. So, check.
2. Number of Drinkers. That would be everyone here but our Editor.
3. Number of Heavy Drinkers. Everyone but our Editor and my girlfriend.
4. Number of Binge Drinkers. Is there any other variety? The last three questions seem pretty repetitive.
5. Alcoholism. I don’t like the accusing tone of this category. So, denial = check.

Then they’d do some voo-doo math, put the results into a sudoku grid, patch up the blanks and poof: we dropped our fifth, screwed the pooch, wrote some poetry or some shit somewhere, and landed at the five-spot.

We’re the E Team. An afterthought. We don’t even get a goddamn parting gift.

I’m not sure how to feel about this because quite frankly, everyone else in Austin is to blame for our collective failure. I don’t want to go all “I doubt your commitment to Sparkle Motion” on your asses, but I’m doing more than my part to make this a winning venture. I feel like I’m that one superstar quarterback guy who could totally take the team to State if it weren’t for that unfocused pack of lollygaggers who won’t pull their own goddamn weight. Like my birthright talents for wanton boozing get lost in a sea of apathetic wine snobs and disaffected teetotalers. Week in and week out I’m out there husslin’. I’ve got my eye on the prize and I’m trying to bring home the big victories befitting a city as kickass-better-than-everyone as ours. I’m “doing the do”. Walkin’ the talk. Breaking my back trying to show the world just what Austin is made of: blackout drunks, hands-free pissing on buildings while singing random Backstreet Boys songs.

And you? Where were you while I was killing my liver, going for the gold? You were probably at home watching 24 reruns on your DVR, feverishly typing out your latest Veronica Mars fan fiction for those two dudes in Idaho who read your blogspot.

GODDAMNIT. I can’t win this thing by myself.

Next year, let’s see some real hustle out there. I want to see you swiping floaters, staggering around telling lies and crying in public. Milwaukee shouldn’t be beating anyone at anything other than attrition rates. In the meantime, drinks are on you.

* The UT football team belongs to everyone in the Austin Townplex except for Sunset Valley, Cedar Park, and anyone who was living in that one brown duplex off Thorncliffe and Hart Ln. back in 1997, because all those people just tend to be of dubiously impressive character, or they’re potential Communist assholes who stole my trashcan. Dicks.

Contact the author of this article or email tips@austinist.com with further questions, comments or tips.

By truecraig in News on August 24, 2006 5:26 PM 0 Comments

Comments [rss]

dan

I moved here from NOLA last year and I guess all the drunks went to other cities cause during my 5 years there EVERYONE was drunk ALL THE TIME. The only reason ATX is getting the nod is from UT. Thanks for college to induce alcoholism and casual hookups. but I love austin...just not the bars closing at 2 and the no drinking outside. We'd be number one if it werent for those two.

Anon

Who is responsible for collecting this data? Let's see if they can give us recorders that monitor our consumption. Personally I provide at least 3-4 days of 6+ hours drinking per week to the cause but have been slowing as of late. I guess My friends and I will have to pick up the pace again and start drinking at home alone as well. We will not be defeated!

lush

double kudos for the donnie darko ref--interesting that UT ranks as the number one party school:

http://www.inthepinktexas.com/2006/08/21/animal-house/

We must lose a lil' with age. But the kids at ITPT are certainly still pulling their weight.

adamr

WARNING: Drinking of floaters can, and most likely will, lead to bizarre tongue rashes. It happened to this dude I know and it could happen to you. So please, please just finish your drinks, stop being nambie-pambies, and help take our town from #5 to #1!

BTW: Zach's got the right idea, there's nothing wrong with a mid-day drunk underwear party.

truecraig

And for those who might not know, a floater is a half-full to full beer/drink which has been abandoned, and has likely been used as an ashtray. The floating butts (hence “floater”) usually signify that this drink belongs to no one. No one but you.

Waste not: want not! It’s like free liver damage.

zach

in order TO drink....its already working..

zach

I have taken up your battle cry and called into work in order drink til I feel comfortable wearing my wonder woman under-roos outside.

Cheers!

k8

boston (ranked #4) is definitely drunker than we are but that's only cause they have a larger population.

next year we will all try harder.

mark hammer

(y)our editor doesn't drink? this blog just lost some serious credibiltiy points.

New Orleans, #24? i call shannanigans. that is the most drunk-ass city in america. please, i have seen more people in bars in nawhlins at 10am on a tuesday than i've seen in most cities on a thursday night.

ps. Best.Post.Ever.

someone pour a bottle of scotch down this idiot's throat.

Beth

Good god - I am so ashamed of myself. I was concerened about how much I was drinking, but for all the wrong reasons! This article was like a beacon of light directing me to the closest bottle of Scotch. Thanks for the enlightenment.

Tom

Best post ever. EVER.

dan

Hey, we were easily first among cities where it doesn't get damn cold out - doesn't that count for something? You can't compete with the corelation between alcoholism and cold weather...