Truesdays: Ouroboros

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*The views expressed in Truesday are those of the author and do not represent Austinist as a whole. Thank heavens.* -The Editors

There once was a man. A potentially great man. A man of such potential greatitude that anyone of even remotely Castro-esque proportion would bow to the very urinal he most recently pissed in. And this man, with his supreme impressivivitousness and overarching reach into those crushing, yearning hearts which break daily in the chests of every slaving human during every dismal day of ever-record-breaking bleakitude whilst they pray for a real hero (preferably with a badass haircut, cleft chin and white, straight teeth) to swoop in and save them from a continued existence of droningly fueling the grand self-pestilence machine, because he is expected to save them from…

But, then, well, the hero-deal is hard to, ah, well.

Difficult, see?

And the thing is, see, it’s compleximicated and shit. What with NO Gatorade on the planes anymore, but don’t cry because you’re now allowed to carry lipstick, so please let that make some sense when fighting off the vipers in coach, and whatnot. And, you have to understand how the real world works, like a, uh, like it’s a big ol’ cycle or whatever.

Like what Simba’s dad, Darth Vader blathered about in that cartoon movie about the importance of faith-based monarchies and shit.

So the hero, when he’s up there ready to lead the herd and do what’s right for his suffering, downtrodden fellow man… Well, he chooses to watch Sammy J slaughter snakes in orbit all day, and then save the future Cobra Commander instead.

Confusing as it may sound, THAT’S what’s happening. For serious.

And I have to ask myself: well what the fuck, man? Do the snakes REALLY need any help? Are any other equally creepy-yet-pretty-goddamn-lazy animals getting as good a fanning of their press fire right now as them? Turtles too nice to be famous, eh? What, just ‘cause Harry Potter can talk to the goddamn things doesn’t excuse their manipulative (yet clever!) behavior on page three of The Good Book.

As a quick side note: I figured god would hold a better fucking grudge than that, but I was wrong. Then again, I was wrong about the career of Mel Gibson too. I totally figured he’d have put out the obvious sequel, Back Up In That Ass: The Resurrection by now. But he got all Loki-ed up and went the drunken Hebrew-hater route instead. That’s an overplayed spiral into booze and pills right there. Trite and pedestrian. Now the Road Warrior’s got the proverbial Pig Killer label for the rest of his life.

But at least he didn’t fuck with the snakes.

And that’s nowhere close to the point I’m trying to make here, and that’s okay.

Point is, I shouldn’t be one to judge the individuals involved. I really shouldn’t. After all, regardless of my intent, I’m no Saint Patrick. I certainly don’t do a whole lot to save African babies or Arctic seals. I barely recycle. I’d probably eat a spotted owl with a spork if it were flash-baked and thoroughly marinated with the right lime-garlic-butter mixture. On my less impressive days, I can be caught slashing-and-burning my own front lawn, fueled by hundreds of gallons of high-octane gasoline and the collective, broken dreams of the entire third world. And I do it to get rid of that pesky top soil everyone keeps crying about.
In fact, I think it fair to say that I have very few truly socially redeemable qualities. Certainly few from which to sound off against others. Few to none. However, what I can claim to have is the ability to notice the difference between a real cause, and one that seriously needs some work.

1. Amnesty International? Overrated. No one is positively, actively supporting the application of intentional death in a general sense. Unless American voting or black-helicopter type, behind-super-secret-door agreements are involved. But no one outright and public with a bullhorn or anything. Except for Oscar The Grouch. But he was a dirty goddamn puppet. So those bored lawyers and C-List actors have no real enemy.

2. Unicef? Totally between gears on the upshift. Let’s face facts: The Children Are Alright, and there’s a shitload more on the way. Perhaps they should focus on some real solutions for the world’s physics-violating future finger-painters. Like, maybe look into the creation of more underground mining or loom-related operations. You know, “idle hands…” or whatever.

3. The Coney Island Hot Dog Eating Contest? Brilliant. Here’s a contest where the point is to show the world that not only can a single human eat and vomit a whole gallon of material within fifteen minutes, but that the “material” need not even be food, let alone nutritious. It helps the entire Sub-Saharan region to understand that what might currently be seen as inedible or even deadly to ingest, is actually perfectly fine to eat if done in a highly competitive format and dipped in a cup of tepid water first. Anything can be seen as food if you’d just stop nay-saying. Stuff like sand, your own hand, or an overwhelming sense of disappointment in your fellow man. Mmmmm, delicious too!

So I know the deal-e-o with contests and “purpose-driven” (or “themed” as I like to refer) causes. I see their reasoning, no matter how buried. And by the same token, I can sniff out the bullshit-themed causes too, even if their marketing slicks are far above par.

That’s how I can safely say that there is no better way to counteract what will obviously be a national (if not international) backlash against snakes (or any reptiles with small-ish or stubby legs/feet for that matter) once The Big Summer Blockbuster drags those serpents to the skies for some gruesome CGI murderin’ action. Fuckin’ badly shadowed snakes. Die motherfuckers! DIE!

See, I’m already overexcited just typing about it. I might need to burn my lawn later. To calm the nerves.

So the funds from the watch-a-thon will go directly to an organization which promotes the understanding of venomous creatures. That’s cool. You know, so we don't eliminate snakes from everywhere like we were planning.

Because if we all go out and follow our Hollywood-induced fear of snakes on planes by killing every slither-fanged creature out there, and this is what I believe our heroes are trying to help us understand here, then we will have nothing to carry on the plane with us. Because probability is high that everything else will be deemed illegal. Things like hair gel, your trusty flask of "patience", and your unpatriotic opinions will be confiscated and auctioned off on ebay. (Like you haven't already tried to sell that crap on ebay. Suckers!)

Seriously, I don’t know this Shannon McCormick dude or why he would intentionally involve himself in watching Snakes On A Plane for an entire day (that movie will UNDOUBTEDLY SUCK DONKEY DICKS AND YOU KNOW IT), but the guy has his heart in the right place. The heart of a hero. Our hero. These animals must be protected against the inevitable backlash. Education will be key to helping preserve their continued safety.

If for no other reason than the fact that in the very near future: everything but live, venomous snakes will have to be checked with the rest of your apparently-terrorist-friendly luggage. There will be nothing but motherfuckin’ Skymall and motherfuckin’ snakes allowed on motherfuckin’ planes.

And Skymall is only entertaining the first fifty times you thumb through it. Unlike poisonous snakes, which are entertaining forever. Just like motherfuckin’ acid rain on a motherfuckin’ cryin’ eyeball.

Sometimes I wonder whether the beginning of time really was the simultaneous end.

Contact the author of this article or email tips@austinist.com with further questions, comments or tips.

By truecraig in Other on August 15, 2006 10:52 AM 0 Comments

Comments [rss]

Brenner

Hey, Anon, you wonder how many people will die while we "assholes sit in an airconditioned theatre"? Well, gosh, I'm guessing it'll be the same number that will die regardless of what the fuck we're doing in whatever location, air-conditioned or otherwise, we happen to be in.

And what will YOU be doing, shmucko, as those people are dying? And what have you been doing for THE PAST FEW MINUTES? By the time you finish reading this sentence, another several dozen (at least) people in the world will have died, and quite a few of them from INTENTIONAL human-vs-human killing.

Why weren't you out there, actively engaged in STOPPING the madness, huh? And what about NOW? And what about NOW? People keep dying, Anon, while you sit there at your fucking computer. We can't count fast enough to keep up with the death toll. And look at you: doing NOTHING. You think you're some renegade Shinigami or something?

SNAKES ON A PLANE did more for people and is doing more for people --- in providing jobs and money and creative outlets and (even if insipid) entertainment, in providing a brief diversion from the otherwise inescapable facts of this world of sorrow --- than YOU, I'll wager, have done. So do (or at least say) something constructive, Anon, instead of harshing on others --- especially if those others are Shannon McCormick, whom you aren't fit to polish the shaved and shining pate of.

Nuff said.

Shannon

Hey Benji, now that you own Trucraig in exchange for Genie's three dead Sri Lankans, can I trade you Rauschenberg's erased Franz Kline drawing for him? Or a Richard Prince Marlboro Man photo? No? Damn, too bad, them shits is valuable. Well, I'll have to think of something else to trade you, because he's still got a date with the Midgard Serpent coming up. Although I doubt he can lift Mjolnir.

Shannon

Hey anonymous, you can put you money where your potty mouth is by sponsoring one the individuals at a set amount for each hour they're at the theater. Not interested? Yeah, your convictions are are as clear as your name.

Shannon

Benji,

I appreciate your paying attention to an event easy enough to ignore. You're playing right into our hands. And who's the simp?

Anon

Indy cars run on ecstasy? Uncut?

Anon

This "cause" is okay. But the event is retarded. The 'better' you do... the less money goes to... the cause?

Seems a little 'counter-'.

If people gave a shit about Sri Lankans, they'd leave during opening credits. The longer they watch (what is most likely) an insipid film, the more they demonstrate their lack of compassion for Sri Lankans. Wow. I wonder how many will die while you assholes sit in an air-conditioned theater? Will there be beer?

Not very well conceived. Keep searching for your 'hero'.

genie

Deal.

Benji

I'll trade you three dead Sri Lankans for one True Craig.

genie

Why does Chris Harper seem surprised that Sri Lanka doesn't have its own anti-venom AND leads the world in snakebite deaths? Doesn't that seem a bit... axiomatic?

Benji

Okay, okay. I confess: the pun was intended.

Benji

Okay, please ignore the above knee-jerky reaction.

But it does seem like a pretty weak premise, done so with an attempt to hijack (no pun intended) someone else's art.

But do give him credit for the continuum: after all, look at the premise of the film-- it's the combination of two basic fears: the fear of flying and the fear of snakes. Personally, Shannon has done well to continue the motif by combining two of my worst fears: 1. The general decline in human creativity, and 2. Simps in control of public events.

But he did alert me to the presence of at least one venomous reptile.

anon

the other problem with the Indy car reference is that they use E85 at this time and next year will be 100% E - so the idea that they are wasting gasoline is sort of flawed.

Benji

Get these mutha-fuckin shannons off my mutha-fucken computer.

truecraig

Close to relativism. But instead of being everywhere at once, it's anywhere at once. I'm sure it has a better philosophical moniker, but I was trying to disassociate the idea from those rabid Jung revivalists.

Yeah, smacking the Indy 500 would be a more subtle witticism, but it steered away from my "eating thyself" theme, while the hotdog eating contest fit quite nicely.

Yes, I can be a pretentious douche balloon. Admitted.

Edward

Eating contests are easy targets for righteous indignation at pointless conspicuous consumption, but there are less obvious and arguably far worse examples (gas wasted at the Indianapolis 500, etc.)

What do you mean by "moral anarchy"? Relativism? BTW, when it comes to moral ambiguity, definitely recommend (re)reading this great post:

http://claremajor.net/archives/000248.html

truecraig

Brenner, you got me. Well, pretty much. Edward and Shannon too. Sort of. But for the record:

I believe Unicef and Amnesty Intl are decent causes. I was using them to throw off my comparison of the movie “sit-in” to that of the hot dog eating contest. I was hoping for absolute moral anarchy (not ambiguity). I know that there are at least as many apologetic psychopaths out there as there are Phish-quoting neo-hippies. Such is the nature of balance. I simply want to avoid playing the part of absolutist. Too many others are manning that post, and they’re much louder.

Recycling is not near as compelling as "intelligent reduction" or the use of more sustainable materials. Beyond that, Penn & Teller are magicians in every metaphoric sense of the word, for good and not-so-good.

Shannon, you are a hero for your primo skim-reading skills, if nothing else. Seriously, I've heard damn good things about your stage skeeeeeiiillz from trusted sources. Regardless of how sore your bum may become during your marathon watching of the best-hyped shitstorm of-a-movie, I hope your efforts find their way onto the S.O.A.P. DVD. Word.

All the comments for this post got held up by the software because it is highly displeased with my irreverent and superfluous use of ellipses. "The Man" is far too lazy to filter these things by hand.

adamr

We aren't allowed to curse in the comments? I'll keep the potty mouth off of the keyboard from now on, but I'll keep my mouth on the potty if you know what I mean! Mouths on a latrine.

Shannon

And yeah, I don't think many people would mistake that post for an advertisement, so you're clear on that count.

Edward

Pretty sure I got auto flagged for using a dirty word. I'll know better next time, but you still better keep an eye on me, I got muthaf*ckin comments on a muthf*ckin' blog! ;-)

allen

we're watching you, edward.

Shannon

No worries Edward, my snark comment was directed at the article itself, not your post. My comment was laid up in cyberspace as well. I originally wrote a post saying, hey, thanks for a link when I saw that there was an inbound Austinist link to my site. All I saw intially was "Shannon McCormick, hero, blah blah", and I thought damn, thanks, that's nice.

But then I read the article and realized it wasn't nearly so pleasant as that first little glance at the link. Hence the second post, which arrived after yours.

Edward

Yo Shannon, just to be clear, my "recycling is pretty much bullsh*t too" comment above was directed at Craig's list of causes "that seriously needs some work", *not* your Snakes on Day effort which I honestly don't know that much about. My comment *was* the first one for the article, but unfortunately was flagged by the Man and didn't get posted until after it cleared Austinist airport security and you had posted yours.

truecraig

This is in no way meant to be an advert for the Snakes On A Day contest being held by Mr. McCormick and The Alamo.

It's an interesting idea, so I will do a quick, separate, and much more serious post for that later.

Brenner

It's getting to you, huh, Craig?

Not just the continual, everyday suffering and dying that goes on, relentlessly, affecting real people with real lives and passions and history, all over this spinning globe, but also especially the murderous and highly celebrated abominations currently underway in the Middle East. Abhorrent, isn't it? Kind of thing makes you glad you don't care more than you already do, which you in fact fight even the minimum empathy with in the first place, lest you go stark raving bugfuck mad.

But: "No one is positively, actively supporting the application of intentional death in a general sense." Yeah? I must disagree. I can't let us --- or myself --- off that easily. We are all positively, actively supporting that shit. Because many of us are actively choosing not to oppose it in any meaningful way beyond, when the mood or sufficient alcohol hits us, ranting.

We're CHOOSING that, man; there's no other person in our heads, calling the shots. I personally can't pretend that I'm against "intentional death in a general sense." Oh, I'd LIKE to be against it, I'd LIKE to be out there, carrying the protest signs, doing the political research and campaign-rallying that just MIGHT make a small bit of difference regarding the slowing of the rate of "intentional death in a general sense" in the foreseeable future. But as much as I'd LIKE to do that, I much PREFER to read the latest issues of Takeshi Obata's DEATHNOTE or work on a new painting or catch a FoleyVision show at the Alamo with my girlfriend and my daughter instead. Or pretty much ANY thing --- washing my goddam DISHES --- other than taking the trouble to actively oppose "intentional death in a general sense."

So I'm guilty, kemo sabe.

But I feel, ultimately: too fucking bad.

And, hey ~

I appreciate how you keep bringing it back to those motherfucking snakes on that motherfucking plane, Craig. Because that movie, with unintentional eloquence ... that movie, and the public's reaction to its imminent debut ... that Media! Event! sums up the entire stinking shitball our feet (both actual and metaphoric) are mired in, doesn't it?

o.O

A more serious recommendation: The short story "And Now The News" by Theodore Sturgeon. (It's in THE COMPLETE STORIES OF THEODORE STURGEON, VOLUME IX, available via Amazon. And it's in other, cheaper paperback collections, too, but I forget which ones.) That about says it all, TC.

Yes: all.