"Oh My God, Is That a Leak??" This Week's New Movie Releases!
On the menu today: Sizzling underwater action! Hot Art School brats! Delicious football soccer stars! Scrumptious teen empires! Delectable California Jews! Tasty foreign brides! Bon appetit!
Poseidon
We’ve said it before, and now we’re saying it again: Josh Lucas is the new Kevin Costner. Careful, Josh. Remember what happened after Kevin’s big “water” movie? Yeah. Nothing good.
*Art School Confidential
We didn’t go to Art School. We imagine it’s just like the stories say: full of arrogant, whiny, attractive trustfund babies who are so put upon by their gifts – with a dash of murder mystery thrown in for color!
Goal! The Dream Begins
Hey! This Movie Looks Lame.
Just My Luck
We keep seeing these mugshots of a scruffed-up Lindsay Lohan all over the place, and at first we got all excited, thinking, “Finally! LiLo was involved in a coke deal gone awry, and now she’s been arrested for drug
possession, and maybe she’ll learn a thing or two about the real world!” But then we realize it’s not an actual mugshot, just an ad for this stupid movie, and it makes us sad, because we are reminded that yes, indeed, SHE’S
STILL MAKING MOVIES.
*Keeping Up With The Steins
This one’s a satire about the extremes families will go to while planning a child’s bar mitzvah. Related: have you ever watched that show on MTV, “My Sweet Sixteen”? Maybe, like us, you’ve only watched 8 milliseconds of it,
because watching that show for any significant amount of time might cause your eyes to bleed and your eardrums to explode and your brain to melt out the orifices of your face, HOLY HELL those kids need to be slapped somethin’
FIERCE.
The Syrian Bride
From Austin360: “Mona's wedding day was the saddest day of her life. She knew that once she crossed the border between Israel and Syria to marry Tallel, she would never be able to go back to her family in Majdal Shams, a Druze village in the Israeli occupied Golan Heights.” Hope she at least got that electric mixer she wanted.
