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*Ed. Note: The opinions and thoughts expressed by Mr. Odam do not reflect those of Austinist or its staff. Or, for that matter, anyone else on this planet.*
Ken Burns, you’ve been put on notice. There’s a new baseball historian in town. And he’s hot. Real hot. So, eat it, you pencil-necked dweeb.
The Barry Bonds saga has, to some degree, captured the imagination of the American public. The mountain of circumstantial evidence surrounding his illegal drug use has loomed over his chase of Hank Aaron's record (and the Babe's). Baseball fans, for the most part, have unleashed an avalanche of vitriol on the man, and for fairly good reason. He is a loathsome, smug, arrogant jackass who cheated (allegedly) at baseball. But, upon closer examination, I feel the real reason people are dumping on him so mercilessly right now is because he is about to surpass the greatest name in baseball history thanks to performance-enhancing drugs. And in the big scheme of things, this ‘accomplishment’ works to prove that baseball as we know it, and its sacred record book and numeric objectivity, has been tainted forever.
But you don’t need me to go on and on about this. We've already heard accomplished sportswriters such as Thomas Boswell, Peter Gammons and Rick Reilly discuss this ad infinitum. And sure, their opinions have brought some clarity to the situation, but finally…FINALLY, yesterday we got the definitive word from the Austin American-Statesman, when they ran the email they received from noted baseball historian and sociologist David Wooderson (Matthew McConaughey).
Wooderson took time out of his busy filming schedule to send a grammatically confused missive to the paper explaining why we, Americans, love Bonds and should cheer him on in his chase of The Babe and Hammerin’ Hank.
A few excerpts:
- “Maybe the other 712 were the same. Ironically, in a nation whose judicial system says we are all "innocent until proven guilty," we like to think of him as a guilty man who just hit an innocent home run, but that's another story for human nature and socio-psychology.”
Yea, the other 712 were untainted, and we use water pipes only for the recreational smoking of tobacco. And, as you, Wooderson, point out (kind of), this is not a court of law, this is the court of public opinion. Fair or not, the same rules don’t apply. And fortunately we don’t have to rely on lawyers to let us know what is or is not the truth.
- “So we all know, and are reminded, 'roids or not, this man has more than the ability, but the talent, [sic] to be the greatest home run hitter in baseball history, and I think he is.”
Well, glad you think so, Matt, but we don’t all know that. He is definitely one of the best hitters in history and has almost unparalleled hand-eye coordination, and, true, roids don’t turn shallow pop-ups into monster dingers, but until it is proven that he was clean (which will never happen), we have no idea if he could have caught the aforementioned legends on his own.
- “It's even more than what we love about the game; it's what we love about success. We, America, still love to see success. Keep it up. It's why we are who we are.”
Maybe for you, Wooderson, but I, MYSELF, love to see the game played the right way, and the fact that that has been compromised by dozens, if not hundreds of other players, makes me sad. That’s who I am. Myself.
Look, I’m glad you care about the national pastime. But save your incoherent ramblings about sport and society for the Best Boy or Key Grip or Wardrobe PA. We, ourselves, don’t really give a damn.
I didn’t give a damn about amateur Paleontologist Carl Everett’s theory that dinosaurs didn’t exist, and I don’t really give a shit what amateur policy wonk and neighborhood advocate Michelle Williams thinks (although I happen to agree with her) about building that stadium in Brooklyn.
So just keep doing what you do best. Lift weights, drive that Airstream of yours and make girls’ panties moist.
As for the rest of us? As you say at the end of your column, well, we’ll “just keep livin.”
Oops, that's Willie Mays calling, he wants to talk about Failure to Launch.
Alright, alright, alright.
Total. Beating.
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Een de fayyyyce!
don't hurt him hammer
No, man, c'mon now.
McConaughey's remarks were so obviously his own opinions, even if misguided, even if Totally Fucking Lamebrained, that to trash him is pretty much a waste of time and (even Expand-O-Tron) space. Like: Who the fuck CARES what he has to say?
You, obviously, do. So, okay. But then, please, counter him with a bit more grace? With something that doesn't try to score a point by conflating the big lug with some movie role he once played? ("It's Wooderson, dude. Huh-huh! It's, huh-huh, WOODERSON." Jesus.)
Just my two cents.
"If you are to best your opponent, young dragon, your style must be superior in all ways." --- Master Chow Gang Li, TOURNAMENT OF THE FIVE SILVER DEVILS
WOW! When did Austinist become a bunch of arrogant assholes?
Barry Bonds and McConaughey are probably both better people than you are.
And while he obviously doens't have an editor, his writing was a much more pleasing read than a lot of the garbage I've seen on here recently. (Not hating on everyone, but mostly.)