Got 'Em by the Gotchas — It's Faaaan-tastic!

Earlier this round, there were two buzzer-beaters and one controversial finish. Two of the league's premier players, Kobe and Lebron, were involved, as was guy from "House Party."

The Kings' Ron Artest and Heat's James Posey received one-game suspensions for flagrant fouls, and Detroit's normally mild-mannered Rip Hamilton was fined $15,000 for an elbow to Michael Redd's head. Suns' guard Raja Bell is awaiting his punishment for clotheslining the Kobe (who later got ejected) last night. The Heat also lost Udonis Haslem for a game after he threw his mouthpiece in the general direction of walking blown call Joey Crawford.

In other news of players not actually playing, the Nuggets' Kenyon Martin, maybe the whiniest multi-millionaire in the country, got booted from the team by his own coach for throwing a hissy fit during halftime last week.

Not to be outdone, teammate Reggie Evans has been fined (and should face criminal charges, if we may say so) for, unbelievably, grabbing Clipper Chris Kaman's testicles while the two battled for a rebound. Kaman rightly shoved Evans to the ground and received a flagrant foul himself.

But the biggest scandal to hit the first round is that Lakers center Kwame Brown is under investigation for sexual assault. He immediately issued a statement saying he's innocent.

Looking for a bright spot? The Clippers have advanced to the second round of the playoffs for the first time like 30 years, leading to sports writers falling all over themselves to write about the "Hallway Series," even though, in a slight technicality, the Lakers haven't actually eliminated the Suns yet.

In spite of all that, the weirdest news: formerly feuding teammates Shaq and Kobe both welcomed new babies into the world only minutes apart. The NBA: it works in mysterious ways.