What does it take, a stake through the heart?

It has recently come to our attention that, like your old crusty uncle who's too mean to die, the John Birch Society, which spent those good old Red Scare years faithfully outing pinkos and defending our borders, is still crouched in the corner in a rocking chair, issuing periodic proclamations about them damn immigrants and the necessity of keeping our precious national bodily fluids pure.

Their national PR director, John F. McManus, is giving a speech tonight, ambitiously titled "An Overview of Our World," at 7:30 at the Holiday Inn Northwest Arboretum. Suggested protest moves: come prepared with questions about the society's past theories about Dwight D. Eisenhower (he was a Commie!) and the United Nations (run by the Illuminati!); bring boom box and cue up Bob Dylan's "Talkin' John Birch Paranoid Blues," crank at quiet moments.