Truesday: Sinking The Stink

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*The views expressed in Truesday are those of the author and do not represent Austinist as a whole. Thank heavens.* -The Editors

As time goes by, our bodies start to hint to us that we’re in need of some sort of change. Redemption for our poisonous ways of living, or some shit like that. For instance:

Waking up in your neighbor’s pickup truck bed (for the third weeknight this month) might point to a need to switch from whisky to wine.

When the knees start knocking, you know it’s time to stop tossing midgets (especially the thicker ones).

If you start losing your hair, it might behoove you to stop juggling flaming gas cans. That, and the loss of two fingers already.

A change in the name of better health. Some sort of planning for an unpromised longevity. As if “acting” healthy ensures or guarantees the promotion of a better quality of life.

I’m not so sure that this impulse is warranted, or in any way reasonable. After all, a “high quality of life” does not directly translate to “long”. Perhaps we're all victims of rampant misnomer, but it’s something of a universally understood/accepted assumption, however flawed it may be. I'm not flatly convinced though. Because in all honesty, I’ve seen lots and lots of old-assed folks in the blinking halls of casinos in Louisiana who appeared absolutely miserable, if not inert. So, I don’t really know that I agree with the assumption that cleaner living = longer life = better quality of life.

All I know is that it hits everyone. It might take thirty, fifty, or ninety years. But everyone, at some point, takes serious stock of their poorer habits, and makes, at the very least, a cursory effort at curbing the nastier ones.

But I’m not that person yet. My smoke-stacking ways will continue to mingle with my table-flipping drunk episodes. And I will undoubtedly perish in some awful, yet sadly tragic event. Probably involving a garbage fire that I, myself, set, in hopes of entertaining myself on some rogue Wednesday night. Because I’m stupid like that.

But one piss-poor habit that has always intrigued me is my personal treatment of food. Rather, everyone's piss-poor treatment of the stuff. Namely: meat fetishism. Living here in Texas, a thick and juicy steak reigns supreme. I’m not sure how this started, or why it’s such a big goddamn deal. But here in the Lone Star State, contrary to my own preference: either you gorge on a big-ass $35 steak and smile like it’s your goddamn birthday, or you’ve obviously got an extra chromosome. If you happen to be male, this is doubly so.

Well, I’m not terribly interested in riding that cholesterol train. Red meat was never my thing anyway, so, fuck it. When I was growing up, my mother would buy these awful-looking meat-ish-type-things she referred to as “steak”. They were usually grey in color, and were principally composed of slug-like gristle and some other substance that had the scent and consistency of boiled leather. Cutting the damn things took both surgical skill, to get around the “marbling” (boogery-fattiness), and some serious fucking power tools. Sharp, gas-powered-reciprocating-saw type power tools.

Forget actually chewing any of it up. You could blow bubbles with that shit and the only flavors I ever found were metallic (probably flakes from whatever cutting instrument I was ruining in the process of producing bite-sized pieces). Not surprisingly, I never, ever-ever-ever enjoyed it. And to this day, I don’t give two shits about steak.

So, back to my “eureka, my health is all kinds of fucked-up and I should probably try something to change that!” moment. I’ve decided to go vegetarian for a month.

Tah-dah.

Just to check it out. Not that I want to offend all the morality-pushers (who simply can’t stand the idea of hitting a sweetly-chewing Borden cow over the head with a sledge hammer, just for the sake of sustenance) by taking their platitude-stand like a tourist. Sure, in the “killing innocent animals for the sake of pleasure is wrong” sense of “wrong”, it makes perfect sense to go vegetarian. Killing, subjectively, is wrong. But so is acquiring a severe protein deficiency by way of soap-boxed malnutrition.

So I’m just passing through. Checking it out. Maybe my lazy ass can actually manage to eat balanced meals, complete with protein, without furthering the unnecessary tartar buildup on my arterial walls. Maybe. If not for the sake of health, then just for the sake of experience. After all, every vegetarian I’ve known gave being an omnivore a try. It probably won’t hurt me to return the courtesy. Just to know where they’re coming from.

For instance: how does a vegetarian manage a cross-country road trip? There weren’t a whole lot of sausage/beef/bacon/ham-free selections at any of the Waffle House locations I’ve over-caffeinated myself in. Pretty much just the waffles. Maybe a glass of OJ. How does that make one feel? Does it completely suck the enjoyment out of the truckstop experience? Does it feel alien to try and pull together something meat-free-yet-substantive from the Denny’s menu?

And how about all those springtime cookouts? There’s always at least one Boca Burger handler in the crowd, but I never considered how it felt to be the odd-one out. Shuffling all that dripping beef over, to squeeze in one garden burger on the top wrung, the upper shelf of the grill, usually connected to the lid. A true outsider.

It’s an experience worth having, if only for a month. Plus I’ll probably shit like a champ, which is always awesome.

Hm. Mixing this experiment with my push-mower (amongst other things)… hell, maybe I am hippy-bound.

Contact the author of this article or email tips@austinist.com with further questions, comments or tips.

By truecraig in Other on April 11, 2006 10:36 AM 0 Comments

Comments [rss]

Benji

Was it the harp player? The vegetarian format with the hypocritical koi trapped small pond? Was there hair in your food? Was the salsa bowl too small?

The first time I ate at Kerbey Lane, a got a corn cake or something. I shit out my entire meal just after paying the check.

Was it something like that?

eliz. s.

Now I'm curious about the Mother's story. . .

truecraig

Yeah, thanks Bill. I wasn't going to mention Mother's, out of respect for those who love the joint (that, and some friends who've worked there and are part of their "family" or whatever). But I won't be eating there anytime in the near future, due to an unpleasant experience I had there about six years ago. If you've read what I write here, then you could easily surmise that I'm not easily shaken.

But I'll repeat that I won't be eating anything at Mother's anytime in the near future. Thanks, Billiam, for calling out my cards and shit.

Feel free to shove, with ruthless and merciless force, a whole lamb, straight up your anus, I like to put pointless commas, into, my sentences.

Alright then.

bill

Ah mothers, Craig tell us why you stop going there again? And Sean, imagine mayonnaise less potato salad, mmm… mayonnaise less potato salad, arrahagg…

Grey steaks? Pan wasn’t hot enough to sear.. umm never mind, sorry about that. Welp back to vegi, these are pretty good to try: http://store.asianfoodcompany.com/mtrfoods.html

Just add lamb! Or not, your choice, really… what? what? Want to make something of it?

Jooley Ann

I know I talk about it all the time, but while you're veg, you should try Mother's! I like a big salty steak just as much as the next gal, but for my birthday this week (indeed! this week!), I'm getting the hubby to take me to...Mother's! They remain #1 in my meat-eating little heart. Soooo fresh. Great variety. And *c*h*e*a*p*.

http://motherscafeaustin.com/

Benji

Arggh.

This is the worst advice ever.

(First of all, eggs are NOT vegetarian. Just like aborted human fetuses aren't vitamin-rich broccoli crowns.)

The Best (and only) advice you need is this: Substitute, don't replace. Think about it. What's the worst going veg has to offer? Tofu dogs. Rice milk Cheese. TVP shaped like chicken strips. Fake meat is gross and against the whole purpose. And besides, eating fake meatballs (I would imagine) will only make you miss the real thing.

So go for originals. Salads, stir-frys, etc. All basic categories of Mexican food can be modified for veg. And half of Africa and the Middle East live on a pretty exotic vegan or vegetarian diet. (And, if you do like the fake stuff, there is also a TON of weird products at Central Mark-up, Whole Paycheck, and of course, Hairsville Coop. The novelty of such strange fare helps keep it interesting.) Pre-meat is meat.

And, if you slip, don't give up. Just like in economics, what matters most is what you normally do over a long period of time, not how you slip up once in awhile.

And get a cheap food processor. It'll help.

Kat

Larry's smoke-dried tomatoes (www.boggycreekfarm.com), spicy sprouts, fresh tomatoes, fried onions, freshly ground pepper, and home-made hummus wrapped in a fresh hot whole-wheat tortilla. Like a BLT, but better, cause you can eat a million of 'em.

Home-made hummus is easy. You can google a million recipes or use mine--

Puree one can of chic peas, 2-3 cloves of garlic, the juice of two lemons, 1 T. salt, 1 t. red pepper, and whatever else sounds good to you in the blender. Then add 1/2 c. of olive oil slowly while blending on low. Experiment. Enjoy.

And if you go back to meat-eating, the above sandwich is also really good with real bacon.

Ian

BTW, that's the Old English spelling of "omelets". It totally is.

As for recipies, try this book:

http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/0060515147/

sean

Stay away from tofu hotdogs. I ate one by accident at a bbq this past saturday and it was

d i s g u s t i n g

Ian

Kudos to you for trying something new. As a non-meat-eater of several years, who has not yet keeled over from protein deficiency, I can tell you that it can be done.

How does a vegetarian manage a cross-country road trip? Subway, baby. Some of 'em even sell the "Veggie Patty" sub (you have to ask for it, though).

Waffle House? Hell, man, you're not a vegan. Take down a couple hefty cheese omelettes, some hash browns scattered covered capped diced, and yeah, a waffle or two.

Denny’s? Fuck Denny's anyway.

Springtime cookouts (and crawfish boils, and BBQ parties) ARE a bit more difficult. I bring a lot of cliff bars in my car, and make up the difference in beer.

Other exquisite pleasures: cheese enchiladas, most indian food (clay pit time!), most thai / vietnamese (sub in tofu, it's quite good when fried), and veggie burgers at P. Terry's.

One more tip: so as not to upset the balance of the universe, I suggest you kill a bunch of bugs and rodents this month. Just in case. We're already on thin ice with global warming, anything could tip the balance.

truecraig

Oh, and any recipes that anyone might know would be much appreciated. If there are any vegetarian readers out there. Or, if you just happen to have some good recipes. It doesn't matter what your eating habits are, actually.