Truesday: Soon To Be Paved With Good Intentions

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*The views expressed in Truesday are those of the author and do not represent Austinist as a whole. Thank heavens.* -The Editors

So, I’m not sure how “in the know” you might be concerning the movements of global wealth by way of rampant American consumption of crap, but gas is stupid expensive. I describe it as “stupid” because these days, I’m standing at a pump that’s pushing out the goods at over $2.50 a gallon, and I’m not flinching a whole lot. I remember when Katrina and Rita gusted, and the price went up above $3.00. I went apeshit. Somehow, the price getting above the three dollar mark for a whopping four days makes $2.50 a "bargain". My black helicopter sensibilities tell me it's marketing genius, a little tug on the price elasticity of demand... but I'm not relaxing the line when it comes to trimming the dandelions.

They almost got me with the slow boil. The frog boil. I barely noticed the heat as it bumped its way up to killing temperature, but I bailed out just in time. I’m fighting the pump rape.

That's right, I got a push mower.

If you don’t know what a push mower is, well then, you’re obviously the enemy. It uses the most renewable of all available resources: a combination of elbow grease, loss of pride, some sunstroke, and a really steep drop in standards for lawn aesthetics.

Or here’s a picture, if it helps you to visualize the operation of this contraption in modern-day, toaster-ovens-and-high-speed(s?)-internets times.

That’s right. I’m that guy:

1. I live in the 78704, so I’m down for the bumper sticker cause of the week.
2. I prefer my landscaping to be “native” (read: whatever weeds can hack it)
3. I don’t waste water by tossing it out onto my lawn (save those springs! Or am I just lazy! Alright!)
4. I use natural stones for bordering lawn shit (took them from empty house next door)
5. I mow my lawn with a crappy push-mower and tube socks (to make President Carter proud)
6. I often find myself crying whenever I wake up in any Interstate Motel 6.

That last one might not fit, but you get the picture.

If you were to cruise by my crib as I butchered my lawn, you’d probably point at me and say to that friend of yours who still owes you fifty bucks for that time you actually ate a rotten egg back in college (they don’t remember that bet, they never do), “that dude and his mess of a lawn are like, stupid hippies.” And your friend is all “what a dumbass. Walking his lawnmower over the same spot, he might as well get on all fours and graze that shit down…” Then he’ll yell toward me, but actually at the closed window. “IT’S CALLED ELECTRICITY ASSHOLE! Aha! Ahahahahahahahah! Ha!” He’ll find himself hilarious, and you will too. Hilarious, that is, until he asks for another hit off your pipe, and then the fleeting fun at my expense will fade into some bad band music you will think is cool for another month, tinning in the background. Gas is expensive, and you just can’t swing sharing your grass whilst also pitching in on the gas.

Besides, your friend is kind of an insufferable asshole. Admit it.

So I’m slowly weaning myself from the juice. Pulling myself from deep within the slick-mire. Trading in the go-tar for some self-sufficiency. I’m… pushing some rotating blades on a stick with a collection of vain hopes that my lawn won’t look like a blind barber had a seizure all over it. Lucky for me, it doesn’t look that bad. But I guess you could say “looks like Edward Scissorhands tried to feverishly scratch his ass all over it like a Labrador Retriever with gland issues on a living room rug,” is probably worse.

But that’s alright by me. As far as my meager lawn care is concerned, my conscience is clear. Like a clean and pollutant-free, salamander-infested natural spring. I’m no longer OPEC’s bitch. No longer are my lawn and I potentially complicit in any possible (more) Saudi Suicide Missions. With my trusty, modest tool of lawn trimming, I’m no terrorist benefactor, Halliburton teet-suckler. Or whatever the most current rally cry there is for hating oil and those who profit from it. Man, fuck those profit making people with their “scarce resources”, “utility management”, and their “secondary market for option and forward contracts”. It’s all voodoo to us normal lawn-caring folk. Voo. Doo.

So screw all that scary, confusing crap. I got a push mower. Man-powered. A man-powered grass mower, which I push like a motherfucker all over my lawn, retracing my lines like a victim of profound OCD. Yep. Push mower.

Or, a push mangler, more like. Grass man-handler. Weed slapper. But whatever. At least my weeds aren’t serviced by a tool of the fascist-neo-Genghis-Kahn-baby-punchers.

Plus, my grass-musser was made in the USA. Beat that, as you drive by, pointing and laughing because I’ve been at it over an hour and my lawn looks like I tried to trim it with a rusty shovel and a claw hammer. America, fuck yeah.

USA! USA! USA!

Contact the author of this article or email tips@austinist.com with further questions, comments or tips.

By truecraig in Other on April 4, 2006 9:28 AM 0 Comments

Comments [rss]

lesliedelazo

Before buying one, follow some tips, factors and guides to help you decide on which kind of mower will be beneficial for your lawn garden.
O'fallon lawn care

Paul

I rented a place in the '04 last year that came with a push mower. I was the only one out of my deadbeat roommates who would touch the thing. Everyone else just prefered to let the grass grow.

I discovered a method sometime during the heat of July:

Give up.

That's right, don't cut your grass. Let the weeds choke it to death. They grow faster anyway. Once the weeds are big enough, put on some gloves, head out there and start pullin'. You'll find some starved, malnourished grass underneath there, and your lawn will look so much better than it did before that you won't even notice it needs to be mowed.

You're welcome.

M1EK

For those of us with lawnlets, the push mower actually saves a bunch of time even though you have to hit every spot from 2-4 directions depending on your grass type. Just imagine - all you do is get it and go - no maintenance of any kind. Just getting the gas mower ready at my childhood estate took about 1/3 as long as the entire mowing jorb takes me now. With the size lawn I have now, prep and cleanup time would probably exceed mowing time if I were to go back to gas.

k8

Who says lawn care and drinking more have to be mutually exclusive?

sean

You should try growing a couple of these bad boys out in the front yard:

http://www.fitzsu.com/index.asp?spage=psearch&pid=836107&cat=79858

truecraig

Damn YOU McManus! You and your one-upmanship! I'm shaking my fist like it's a collicky baby (doll, so calm down), even though you are incapable of seeing such theatrics.

You are definitely correct, though. More booze can indeed bring aide. Broken leg, broken heart, broken spirit. Liquid courage, as it is oft referred.

Declan McManus

So is drinking more.

truecraig

Yardwork is a brilliant way to work off a hearty hang over.

Declan McManus

Growing up, the shitty pushmower that came with my parents house was just as easy to use as the gas powered Snapper.

Unless you have one of those fancier gas (or electric) mowers that also powers the wheels, a push mower with sharp blades is way lighter than a clunky gas one.

I don't know how big some of your lawns are, but a lot of the properties in Austin... we're talking about 8 minutes of lawn mowing probably.

erica

f'in hilarious. and awesome.

David

Are you really using a push mower to save on gas? Or is it because you want to work off those 12 beers you drank the night before?

I dont use a push mower out of principle...My Dad made me use one while growing up. As a matter of fact if I see one I will run over it with my S.U.V.

Of course I am kidding but seriously I could not see myself pushing that thing.....

eliz. s.

My mom uses a push mower and has had people yell from across the street, asking what she's doing. Some people really have no clue what a push mower is.

At my house we own no sort of mower at all. This works until Spring when the grass and weeds start taking over.

triSARAtops

We solved our lawn-care problems by living on the corner.

People who can't be bothered to walk the 10 extra feet on the sidewalk cut across our yard and pretty much prevent grass from growing in a number of problem areas.

john

lol. well, I don't know how much mine are worth exactly, but after school and work I consider my Saturday afternoons to be just about priceless.

when I moved into the '04', I quickly decided it would be socially acceptable to not rake any of the leaves all fall, and let them prevent any lawn growth that I might have to mow come spring. that's even more natural, like no deodorant or goodflow orange juice.

truecraig

Or, "flagellation", rather. I do self flatulate, though, whatever that means.

truecraig

There is nothing that cannot, nor should be, made into a political statement.

But somehow my push mower is. Because that is how I legitimize such self-flatulation. Otherwise, I'm just too cheap to purchase the fancy Snapper variety, and that's hardly interesting.

And I approximate that my Saturday afternoons are worth fifteen billion dollars. Approximately. Yours?

john

I think it will be a long time before I feel the 25 cents in gas it takes to power a gas mower is too much. I mean how much is your Saturday afternoon worth to you?

Does everything have to be turned into a political statement, including lawn care?

kayvaan

gas SHOULD be expensive -- it costs us a lot in terms of pollution and environmental damage to extract and process it. however, i'm sure energy companies are not using the high premiums they charge to mitigate the high resource costs of extracting fuel. instead the premiums go to their bottom line.

the real problem is that we, as a society, do not have an effective way to charge corporations (or anyone) costs that are external to their organizations. government regulation is what should do that -- but well, you know...

andrew

thanks for the link to that article. great read!

i have yet to start consuming less oil. i do have a breaking point though. i decided last summer that if gas prices hit $3+ and stick, i'd start taking the bus to work. sure it'd mean an hour and a half commute, arriving to work 20 minutes early, compared to my current 20 minutes commute, but it's more about principle

Declan McManus

Two thumbs up! Every little effort counts.

If you've bought a good quality push mower (ie, not one of those turds from Wal-mart) you will be able to push it (provided you do the proper maintenance) for many many years to come.

And you're self fertilizing the lawn because you're not bagging your clippings with one of those bad boys.

All in all, good choice!

PS - Here's a link to a great article about Snapper lawn mowers and how they told Wal-Mart to fuck off, pulled their product line, and are continuing to sell their superior products elsewhere.

http://www.fastcompany.com/magazine/102/open_snapper.html