Watching It, Watching Me: Live Blogging the Oscars

Philip Seymour Hoffman could do with some teeth whitening. C'mon Phil, you must have the dough for it. At least some White Strips!

Jake Gyllenhaal is a cutie pie. So many cutie pies!

6:55pm
I wish I looked like Rachel Weisz. Jamie Foxx is cool. I bet he doesn't take off his sunglasses inside. The short interview with the Oscar's producer went like this:

Chris: Is the show going to be great?
Producer: Yes, the show is going to be great!

Great!

Whoo Boy, starting soon. Get your bubbly, people.

I love you George Clooney!

7:25
Clooney is my man! And Jon Stewart is my other man.

I liked the beginning. Liked the everyone was busy but me, Jon Stewart, thing. Self-reflexive. Cool. Jon was himself and that's all we can ask for. A nice, sweet, clever man standing behind a podium. Also, loved the gay western stuff. I hope Charleton Heston chokes on a chicken bone for that.

George Clooney's speech was gold. And one prediction right on for Coffey!

7:35pm
Boy, this show is really kind of Brechtian. Self-reflexive, but in a goofy way, of course. Ben Stiller decked out in a green shiny suit thinking he's "green screen" invisible. The man reading the nominees (special effects or something) seems to be doing a parody of himself as the big booming voice behind so many previews and commercials and nominee readings. You know the voice. This time, just enough over the top to make me think he's kidding.

Reese is my role model. Cute, blonde, smart, and rich.

Yay, Wallace & Gromit win best animated movie. I didn't see it, but I love British people and have always considered Tim Burton overrated. British people wear fun bowties. What's not to love?

Dolly Parton is here and if you don't love Dolly Parton than you have no heart. Sorry, somebody had to tell you.

8:05pm
Bah, I'm hardly awake. Jack Nicholson is there in the front row. Does he just show up every year, or does he have something to do? I'm guessing that's his usual chair. It's tradition!

Supporting Actress, here we go. Rachel Weiz. Contributor Elizabeth S. got me beat. That's okay, I love Rachel. She deserves our R.E.S.P.E.C.T.

Somebody is playing the flute in the background. Shut up flute player!

Still, I'm kinda sad about Michelle missing out. I mean, saying "Jack Nasty" with a straight face takes some chops.

8:20pm
I think the Academy Awards needs less movie montages and more Jon Stewart. Who's with me?

8:25pm
There are French guys holding penguins and the spotlight guy is confusing Morgan Freeman backstage. What, am I on? Perhaps they are hoping he'll translate for the French penguin men.

P.S. What are those penguins thinking? Who thought of that scenario? Starve for months then waddle hundreds of miles in the freezing cold to dive for some fish? Those guys need to get themselves a zoo gig.

This Crash best song/performance art piece is awesome. Fire. People moving in slow motion. People need people. I get it. I didn't see Crash, but I'm sure this does it justice.

I wish Reese Witherspoon would come out and play that harpsichord thing.

8:52pm
Okay, forget the Brechtian thing, the major theme of this evening's show is: We Are LIberal And Proud. Because of us liberals the world is a better, more civilized, more human place. Take that, Right Wing Stinkers! Yeah! Salma Hayek is a totally gorgeous woman and Itzhak Perlman makes me want to play the violin. It's a major feat. I only lasted one month on the clarinet many, many moons ago.

Best Original Score. I'm rooting for Brokeback Mountain.

Yes! Simmer down Memoirs of a Geisha crowd, you got your time to shine with costume and art design.

There is Michelle Williams in that lovely marigold number again. Jealous! I totally would have worn that to the prom. If I was rich and somebody had asked me to go to the prom.

I'm glad movie stars aren't introducing the best pic noms. Let's drop the goofy speeches and let the films speak for themselves. It's a good move.

9:15pm
Robert Altman is getting up there. Man. I didn't know Santana was a member of his family. I'm glad he's getting an honorary award. And I'm glad we got to see the magnificance of Lily Tomlin and Merly Streep, greats, both. Meryl Streep and Lily Tomlin should introduce every category. Well, maybe they can take turns with the Wilson brothers. And Joan Cusack should read all the nominees.

9:25pm
It's Hard Out Here for a Pimp. Who knew rap and interpretive dance were such a great combination? And it wins! And Dolly Parton is so happy. See, I told you Dolly was gold. Oh no, Jon Stewart uses my interpretive dance joke.

BTW, the "political" ads for the nominees are genius. More silly, less montage!

10:03pm
My husband says the winner for best editing always takes home best picture. He's a film geek that knows this kind of stuff. Well, Crash got the statue, so does that mean we should expect Crash to win? I'm not giving up on Brokeback yet, y'all.

Best Actor, now there is a tough category. Boy, this year really gave us a lot of awesome performances. I wanted to see all those guys on stage. Still, I must gloat in my correct prediction for Mr. Hoffman!

Jon Stewart is handing out fun size chocolates to the orchestra!

Hey, there's my loverboy Peter Sarsgard! Ah, dreamy.

Here's John Travolta. I wonder if the Scientology joked pissed him off. I like Travolta but my rule of thumb is that there can never be too many Scientology jokes.

What, another win for Memoirs of a Geisha? That movie couldn't have been good. Good Night and Good Luck should've got it.

Hoffman loves his mother. He's a winner is so many ways!

Actress in a leading role! Yikes. I would be happy for Felicity or Reese, but Reese is my girl! Nervous. Reese! Yes! God, orchestra, stop with the background music already. Strength and self-respect. I'm just trying to matter. Good words, Reese. You cry, I cry.

10:15pm
Dustin Hoffman is babbling about breaking it and fixing it and I don't know what. I think he's high.

So, Brokeback Mountain takes adapted screenplay. What did I predict? I don't even remember. Texan Larry McMurtry is on stage. He might be stoned too. Or something. Maybe a little too much Tequila? You gotta love a dude who wears a crooked bowtie and a pair of jeans to the Oscars.

Crash gets best original screenplay. I was in denial I guess when I predicted The Squid and the Whale, a true original. Hey, Crash guy is talking about Bertold Brecht. Synergy! Creepy.

Now I know I picked Ang Lee. He deserves it.

Hey look, Jack does have a job! He pronouned Capote like Capotay. Awesome. Jack is high. Everyone is high! Except me.

Can you just imagine the awesome after parties with Meryl Streep, Jack, and Lily Tomlin!

Ohmigod! Crash wins! My husband is beating himself up for not entering an Oscar pool. I too am beating him up if it meant we could have won some money.

Wow.

Holy crap, people, the orchestra is cutting off the best picture winner. Best Picture director Paul Haggis did not even get to say a word. Low, that is truly, truly low. And we are coming it at just under 10:30. Isn't that some kind of record? Appalled, I am! Screw you, Bill Conti! Or producer guy! Or whoever decided this nonsense.

Okay, I'm over it.

Does these mean I can go to bed now? Seriously, it's been a pretty short night. Even with all the montages. Maybe that producer does know what he's doing.

Okay, folks, what did we learn? Liberals rock! Marigold is a lovely color for Michelle Williams. Jon Stewart is the king of cool. Bertold Brecht lives! DVDs suck. And 36mafia rulez. Okay editors, get to it. I'm out.