It could have been a lot worse. Mariah Carey could have walked away with Song, Record, or even Album of the Year; at that point, we would've completely given up on the music industry. Not that we have an extreme degree of faith in the corporate arts as is, but giving the big one to an album titled The Emancipation of Mimi would have all-but confirmed that those people are insane, evil, and totally deaf. (Ed. note: However, we will acknowledge that having Madonna, who was nominated for zero trophies, open the show with Gorillaz instead of letting Ms. Half-Face sing from her multi-nominated catalogue made absolutely no sense. Apparently, the newly-minted Brit insisted. Bitch.)

U2 were the big winners, taking home five Grammys for How to Dismantle an Atomic Bomb. It isn’t Joshua Tree - or even close - but that album does display the polished talents of Bono and crew. And we've always been partial to Green Day's “Boulevard of Broken Dreams,” which took home Record of the Year.

But, once again, the majority of the show was dedicated to ego stroking and incredibly bad performances. Paul McCartney, Jay-Z, and Linkin Park on one stage abusing “Yesterday”? Seriously. At least we have the Oscars to look forward to; that's one awards show that remains pure and untainted.

* Image from AP of the reclusive Funk God Sly Stone, making his first major public appearance in thirteen years (and first public performance in nearly twenty) during the Sly and the Family Stone tribute. We honestly thought Sly was dead.

Expand away to see the list of winners, with brief commentary.

Album of the Year: How to Dismantle an Atomic Bomb, U2
(Ed. note: We find it odd how the pervasive cult of personality of Kanye West has seeped into everynoe's brains, somehow distorting reality. Bono recognized Kanye, saying that they too had been robbed for the honor of Album of the Year in years past and that he "was next." Who died and made Kanye Michael Jackson from the mid-80s?)

Record of the Year: Boulevard of Broken Dreams,” Green Day
We’d like a lesson from Billie Joe in the proper application of awesome black eyeliner. Really, the man is a makeup genius. He’s a decent singer, as well.

Song of the Year: "Sometimes You Can't Make It on Your Own," U2

Best New Artist: John Legend
Shocking that someone who can actually sing and play a musical instrument at the same time was honored.

Best Pop Album: Breakaway, Kelly Clarkson

Best Female Pop Vocal Performance: "Since U Been Gone," Kelly Clarkson
We would like to admit that yes, we've rocked out to this song, and it has inspired us to one day trash an ex’s apartment, so apparently not everything American Idol touches is crap incarnate. And she's from Texas. Woot.

Best Male Pop Vocal Performance: "From the Bottom of My Heart," Stevie Wonder
(Ed. note: Random Stevie Wonder story: A friend of ours once ran into the musical genius in Chicago and told him that another of our friends was his biggest fan. Stevie proceeded to call said fan and left her a voice mail thanking her for her love and support. She's still not calmed down.

Best Pop Performance by a Duo of Group: "This Love," Maroon 5

Best Pop Collaboration With Vocals: "Feel Good Inc.," Gorillaz featuring De La Soul
By far the best thing nominated this year. If you really want to tear up the trails at Town Lake, download the album on your iPod.

Best Solo Rock Vocal Performance: "Devils & Dust," Bruce Springsteen

Best Rock Performance By a Duo or Group: "Sometimes You Can't Make It On Your Own," U2

Best Rock Song: "City Of Blinding Lights," U2

Best Rock Album: How To Dismantle An Atomic Bomb, U2

Best Alternative Music Album: Get Behind Me Satan, The White Stripes
We would have definitely gone for Arcade Fire, even Death Cab, sigh.

Best Female R&B Vocal Performance: “We Belong Together," Mariah Carey
God, stop encouraging this woman!

Best Male R&B Vocal Performance: "Ordinary People," John Legend

Best R&B Song: "We Belong Together," J. Austin, M. Carey, J. Dupri & M. Seal, songwriters; (D. Bristol, K. Edmonds, S. Johnson, P. Moten, S. Sully & B. Womack, songwriters) (Mariah Carey)

Best Contemporary R&B Album: "The Emancipation of Mimi," Mariah Carey
Again… and what's with the album title? Is she comparing her pampered nervous breakdown to slavery? Mimi - is she admitting to that nickname? Fifty bucks says she made it up herself.

Best R&B Performance By a Duo or Group: "So Amazing," Beyonce & Stevie Wonder

Best R&B Album: Get Lifted, John Legend

Best Female Country Vocal Performance: "The Connection," Emmylou Harris

Best Male Country Vocal Performance: "You'll Think of Me," Keith Urban
We used to see Keith walking around the Nashville Kroger at 3 a.m. It's always disappointing to realize that famous people are ugly and tiny and prefer shirts with grease stains. At least he had a good assortment of munchies.

Best Country Song: "Bless the Broken Road," Bobby Boyd, Jeff Hanna & Marcus Hummon, songwriters (Rascal Flatts)

Best Country Album: Lonely Runs Both Ways, Alison Krauss and Union Station

Best Rap Solo Performance: "Gold Digger," Kanye West
Kanye dominated the rap division, a good thing considering the alternatives.

Best Rap Song: Diamonds from Sierra Leone, D. Harris & Kanye West

Best Rap Performance By a Duo or Group: "Don't Phunk With My Heart," The Black Eyed Peas
If “Humps” is ever labeled a good song…

Best Rap Album: Late Registration, Kanye West
(Ed. note: Was it just us or did anyone else think Kanye looked like some weird Teddy Ruxpin/Kool Moe Dee hybrid last night?