Candy and Flowers: Valentine's Day, I'll Drink to That.

*Odam doing "Candy and Flowers?" Neh. Carly broke the internet at her house, so I am just posting it for her. As always, the views expressed in this column are those of the author's and do not represent Austinist as a whole.* -The Editors

Valentine’s Day — it’s the holiday we (and by “we,” I mean “my single friends and I”) all love to hate. But, not everything about the bonanza of paper hearts and candy sentiments completely sucks. While we’re past the innocent days of cupcakes and cardboard valentine collection boxes, we can still savor the day, or at least avoid gagging. My personal top 10 heart day perks in no particular order:

1) T-shirts that say “I have a heart on.” Heh. Heh. Get it?

2) The seasonal candy is half-off on February 15. Dive into the conversation hearts, the Dove Bars, the seasonally-packaged Whitman’s Samplers, but don’t set your sights too high. You know, those bitches at Godiva are stingy.

3) No lines at the Laundromat. Wash your whites, your blacks, your brights, your reds, and your indigos all separately. Dry everything on low. Play 10 rounds of pinball while your socks are in the dryer. No one is waiting.

4) Pink is the new black. Well, so that was two years ago. Screw it, we’re not in Dallas. Besides, most people look good in pink. Live it. Love it.

5) Easy to tell who's single at the bar. I mean, if someone is at a bar alone or in a group on Obligatory Romantic Interlude Day, rest assured that he or she is single. Also, said person has chosen to drown his or her sorrows in booze. You’re totally in. My personal picks for these purposes: Lovejoy’s, Barfly’s, Lala’s Little Nugget.

6) The grocery store transforms into a veritable mating ground. One of my friends had “cute girl’s phone number” on his grocery list for years. He should have shopped on Valentine’s Day. If you’re out buying toilet paper and bread on V-Day, you might as well add cute person’s phone number to the list. Swear, they’re out there. Hint: Stack the decks and hit Whole Foods or Central Market.

7) Mocking the Valentine’s Day Merchandise is totally therapeutic. Aren’t you at least a little relieved that no one is buying you a gorilla with a satin heart bearing the sentiment, “I’m ape for you?” Yeah, I thought so.

8) No big-day pressure when you’re single. What? No candle-light? No perfectly-arranged flowers? Of course not. You’re single. Go home and mope. Drink wine straight from the box if you damn well please — you’ve earned it. But, please, stay off the Franzia. Black Box is so much classier.

9) Slightly less miserable than New Year’s Eve. While Valentine’s Day is a smorgasbord of lovey-dovey bullshit and pressure to couple off, at least there is chocolate, which beats free cheap champagne (and free cheap hangover) any day of the week.

10) The video store is fresh out of romantic comedies. Kick back with your favorite John Waters flick. Pop in some shoot-‘em-up action. Unwind with John Wayne movies. The rental supply of videos of Casablanca and When Harry Met Sally may be depleted, but rest assured you can rent the entire Godfather series at once. Personally, I recommend I Love Video for these purposes — you can practically hear the clerks rolling their eyes as copies of Sixteen Candles and Say Anything fly off the shelves.