Apparently there is a big hullabaloo about the semantics of selling those firs that we see on lots and at home improvement and grocery stores all over town this time of year. You know the ones: you can hang popcorn from them, string lights, dangle Shrinky Dink ornaments of Snoopy and Woodstock on ice skates. You know, Christmas, er, Holiday, er Christmas Trees. A Lowe’s Home Improvement Store in town had a banner hung advertising “Holiday Trees.” But you- know-who (ok, if you don’t, uptight conservative Christians who get verrry offended when they are oppressed, as has been the case in this country since its inception, right? Whatever) These good ol’ soap-figurine-of-Jesus-havin folks (who probably all voted for Proposition 2 recently) said it was just plain wrong, y’all, to take the Christ out of Christmas. Well, gosh durn if they didn’t start a petition. And gall darnit if the good folks at Lowe’s didn’t get more-than-a-little worried about the threat of these uber-consumers pulling their business. So Christ is back in business at Lowe’s.

No word on what plans are at local Saturn dealerships as they host their Bacchanal Bash Sales-a-thon over the next few weeks. “Emperor Constantine’s lost his mind and is cutting costs on all '05 sedans, but get down here fast, cause come December 25th, the sale ends and he’s gonna puss out and convert to Christianity…Cause mama told him too.” Damn Eyetalians.

In related news, the City of Austin can probably expect a barrage of emails from residents on the outlying parts of town bitching about the newly-labeled Zilker “Moon Tower” Tree.