Quick Bat Session
We don’t know if anyone has noticed that we have something of a bat problem here in Austin. Apparently, the nasty little buggers have taken over the Congress bridge. Little hairy, winged terrorists. And people from all over the world come to ogle at them. “They’re so freaky!” Craziness. Like they’re the image of Our Lady of Guadalupe in a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. A big-ass music festival. Or the country’s largest urban colony of winged rats or something weird like that.
Well, we’re not standing for this nonsense. Ever try to stand while typing? Pretty goddamn hard. So we’ve got a few things to say to these intruders. These…vagabond varmints or whatever. Creepy little dudes, listen up. Or, radar up, rather. So…damn creepy.
An Open Letter to the Bats Creepin' Out Beneath Congress Bridge.
Ahem.
Pretty nice setup you guys have there. Right next to downtown with no rent, no utilities, and a water view. That’s a silly-sweet deal. Like Leslie Trump. Without the butt-floss or scalp rug. And there's 1.5 million of you. Hangin' out.
Squatters.
And don’t give us that “but we’re blind! And not human anyway! ” bullshit. Freeloaders. We don’t know how you’re getting past that new anti-panhandling law, but your days are numbered. So what if there’s a hockey team named after you. That’s no guarantee of protection. Ever heard of the Redskins? Seminoles maybe? Yeah. “The man” is lowering his sights on you as we type this.
Marks.
Oh, and we hear that you come from Mexico every March/April, and the majority of you are pregnant. What the fuck is up with that? If you can schedule all them babies so complex-like, then you can schedule your asses on up to Canada. We hear they have free healthcare up there. Delivering babies for free is like, a hobby for them or something.
Commies.
But since you’re lounging around here, mooching off of our creature-friendly architecture and whatnot, the least you could do is clean up a bit around the place. You know, make yourselves useful. BUT NO. You just crap all over the place, funkin’ up our lake and jogging trails. You fall over the place every evening, just dropping all over the ground like creepy, furry, rabid hail. What’s up with that? Can't you keep a grip? Jeez.
Moochers.
And then, AND THEN, you don’t even eat the bugs around HERE! You fly off to the “hill country” where you eat all their mosquitoes and other nasty bugs, leaving us to fend for ourselves against West Nile and shit. If you like it so much out there in Llano, Lakeway, or Cedar Park, then why don’t you pack up and call Tyrone. Let some other bat colony move in that will actually GIVE BACK to our community. A less creepy colony. A colony that understands our city. Like the Texas legislature or something.
Oh. Wait… we forgot who or what we were talking about here.
