Show Preview: Brackett & Co., Real Estate
J. Tillman at the Mohawk - Giveaway
Renee, honey, sit down. No, sit down, we want to talk to you. Woman to woman - uh, us. Yes, yes, we heard the news. Now, we understand that sometimes love is blind. Very, very blind. So blind that it causes us to marry no-talent ass clowns who breathe, eat, and sleep mediocrity, who work in a genre of music that has strayed so far from its roots we can hardly discern a shred of worth within all those hackneyed lyrics. So blind that sometimes we think the persistent wearing of cowboy hats - even on special occasions - is endearing. SO BLIND that we can overlook the sad fact that our beau is responsible for a song entitled, “She Thinks My Tractor’s Sexy.” Excuse us, we just need a moment…
No! No, we’re not making fun of you, Renee. Really. We like you. You have that “down home Texas girl next door” charm that we sort of envy. And Bridget Jones? Come on, she’s like our hero (hey, could you introduce us to Colin Firth sometime? No? Okay, ha, we were just kidding anyway). But when we heard you had married that country singer guy after dating him for 5 whole seconds, we were like, Girrrrrl, you done EFFED UP. Seriously, what the H? Like we said, love can be catastrophically blind, but that was just too much. The Jack White thing was weird, but we could understand that. A little. Damien Rice, we definitely understand. Musicians are hot, no doubt. Although, we wouldn’t really categorize your muscle-shirt-sporting, soon-to-be ex-husband (we dare not speak his name) as a “musician,” but whatever. You made a mistake, you’ve rectified it, all is forgiven.
We can only guess as to what you meant by “fraud” when you filed for annulment. Could you fill us in? Were you referring to whats-his-name's entire career, the fact that under his cowboy hat he is actually balding, what? Maybe he’s not really into women, if you catch our drift? Well, whatever you meant, it’s all over now. We’re happy for you, and we hope that you’ll find true love someday with someone who is worthy of your time. Just please, please stay away from Toby Keith, okay? We really don’t think we could handle that.
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I think she ought to go for George Clooney. I love George Clooney!
Hilarious - as if everyone didn't predict this way back when!
she should definitely go out with Tobias!! then i could get all my hate out at one couple instead of two people. and what's that shit about balding, bre? i will take DOWN. Besides, there oar eonly two kinds of good music anyway, country AND western, so bite kenny chesney where the sun of a woman's smile don't shine. loves.
Hey! Some of us do find tractors to be sexy.
I'm thinking maybe Kenny got tired of having an insect for a wife and wanted a woman whose bones didn't cut him every time they . . . Perhaps the fraud was him telling her that he loved her just the way she is---and then trying to sneak some gravy and grits onto her plate.
Bre, I love you more every day....
Renee, my puffy, sweaty little coke head, ole Jubca is here with his shoulder for you to cry on.
Yes, and what the crap is up with the pooka shell necklaces? If I was ever lucky enough to meet he-who-shall-not-be-named-for-the-duration-of-this-article I would walk up the him and politely smile...then I punch him in the neck and say 'Nice Pooka Shells Keith Urban.' I think it would be an extra special burn to act like I had mistaken him for another faux-country ass clown after I had administered a well deserved beat-down.
Dear Renee Zelwegger, you only have one look. You are not America's sweetheart, we don't care if you cry and thank your lawyer and manager when you win awards. Bridget Jones was alright though.