Renee, can we talk?

Renee, honey, sit down. No, sit down, we want to talk to you. Woman to woman - uh, us. Yes, yes, we heard the news. Now, we understand that sometimes love is blind. Very, very blind. So blind that it causes us to marry no-talent ass clowns who breathe, eat, and sleep mediocrity, who work in a genre of music that has strayed so far from its roots we can hardly discern a shred of worth within all those hackneyed lyrics. So blind that sometimes we think the persistent wearing of cowboy hats - even on special occasions - is endearing. SO BLIND that we can overlook the sad fact that our beau is responsible for a song entitled, “She Thinks My Tractor’s Sexy.” Excuse us, we just need a moment…

No! No, we’re not making fun of you, Renee. Really. We like you. You have that “down home Texas girl next door” charm that we sort of envy. And Bridget Jones? Come on, she’s like our hero (hey, could you introduce us to Colin Firth sometime? No? Okay, ha, we were just kidding anyway). But when we heard you had married that country singer guy after dating him for 5 whole seconds, we were like, Girrrrrl, you done EFFED UP. Seriously, what the H? Like we said, love can be catastrophically blind, but that was just too much. The Jack White thing was weird, but we could understand that. A little. Damien Rice, we definitely understand. Musicians are hot, no doubt. Although, we wouldn’t really categorize your muscle-shirt-sporting, soon-to-be ex-husband (we dare not speak his name) as a “musician,” but whatever. You made a mistake, you’ve rectified it, all is forgiven.

We can only guess as to what you meant by “fraud” when you filed for annulment. Could you fill us in? Were you referring to whats-his-name's entire career, the fact that under his cowboy hat he is actually balding, what? Maybe he’s not really into women, if you catch our drift? Well, whatever you meant, it’s all over now. We’re happy for you, and we hope that you’ll find true love someday with someone who is worthy of your time. Just please, please stay away from Toby Keith, okay? We really don’t think we could handle that.