The Real World Recap: Episode Seven

Episode Seven of The Real World: Austin takes place on the day of days, St. Valentine's Day, which is a holiday that commemorates the 10-year anniversary of the release of Alanis' Jagged Little Pill. To celebrate, Danny has asked Melinda out on a big date at a fancy restaurant that like, offers valet parking and causes the intersection of Fourth and Guadalupe to be that giant clusterfuck of stop signs. Or is it Lavaca? We can never remember. What we do know is, nothing says love like a big, juicy steak.

Melinda doesn't know how to express her feelings towards Danny. On the one hand, she doesn't want to be too cold. And then, on the other hand, this is sort of obvious, but we'll say it anyways, she doesn't want to be to be all, "I love you, I want to have your babies." What we don't understand is, why can't she just do what she feels is appropriate? Why does it always have to be a game? Why, women? Why? Seriously, we are asking and you can respond in the comments.

She decides on getting Danny a card and a box of chocolate shaped like a heart. Which, honestly, is more than most guys get for Valentine's Day. Normally, we get stuck with a big bill for an overly fancy and unenjoyable date, followed by mediocre sex with an inebriated girlfriend. Karma.

Danny, on the other hand, is out to make this the bestest date in the whole world. He and Nehemiah are wandering around town so that Danny can get a nice shirt and tie for dinner, and so he can buy Melinda nice flowers. They go to Blackmail, where Danny scoffs at the cowboy flare on the shirts, and they go to Capra and Cavelli, where Danny scoffs at the $125 price tag. Nehemiah then scoffs at Danny for being a moron.

"I just want to go on a date and get some food!" says Danny. "This is ridiculous!" Of course it's ridiculous, Danny! It's Valentine's Day! This isn't about going on a nice date and having some food. This is about prostrating yourself to your girlfriend as an apology for her having to look at your ugly male genitalia. Don't tell us it's not!

Meanwhile, back at the house, Melinda is the first belle of the ball to recieve a Valentine's Day card -- from her ex-boyfriend! She opens the envelope to find a hand made card, which is the creative boy's way of saying "I care about you in a slightly different way than everyone else." However, inside the card, all the nice things he's written have been scribbled out, and replaced wit a note that says he's changed his mind about her. Burn!

Rachel is next. She gets a package from her loving boyfriend, Eric. Inside are three dozen roses. "He always thinks of me," she says, "and always knows what to do to make me happy." But Rachel, roses won't make your booties bigger! He should have sent another box of melted ice cream.

Then it's Lacey's turn, of course. "It's my first Valentine's Day with a good boyfriend," she says. Unfortunately, this "good" boyfriend thinks that Valentine's Day is a commercial holiday that was created by an evil empire of chocolatiers and rose-growers, and is not enthusiastic enough for her delicate female greed. He obviously doesn't know the love of Alanis like we do.

He's saved, of course, by telling Lacey that he has also not ever had a good Valentine's Day! "I'm taking your Valetine's virginity!" says Lacey. "Ooh! I'll ease you in slowly!" We're 100000% percent sure that the words "ease you in slowly" meant a very different thing to Lacey's boyfriend, who has never felt the sweet touch of her blossoming pants flower.

Melida puts on a slinky black dress in preparation for her big date, even though it is clearly far too early in the day to be getting ready. But hey, has Melinda ever not taken an opportunity to show off what God gave her? "I've never been in this situation where I've been treated this way!" she says. Perhaps because she is only 22 years old, and has only just recently realized that her breasts, properly displayed, can get her lots of free food.

Johanna checks the house voicemail. There is a message from Danny's father asking Danny to call him as soon as possible about something important. Johanna replays the message for dramatic effect. Something important. Danny's father. Call soon. Important! Important! Important!

Back from the first commercial break, which, due to the poor quality of our Tivo's recording, we were unable to fast forward through, and trust us, this is a big deal, the doorbell rings at the house. Lacey and Rachel run to get it, and find Leo, Dizzy Rooster's GM to the Stars, standing outside with a big bunch of roses. They fawn over him for a few seconds, because he has provided them with many free drinks, and then he runs back to work.

The girls bring the roses up to Johanna, where they discover that Leo has put a little card in every single rose, and that there are cards not only for Johanna, but for each and every girl in the house. Mad props to our man Leo, as this is exactly what we would have done to ensure ourselves a few more minutes of on-screen time.

"I love Leo! Leo is a stand-up man!" says Lacey.

"Leo is totally getting laid tonight," says Rachel. "If you don't, I will!"

Meanwhile, Danny is still out on his quest to make his date with Melinda perfect. He accidently buys her a $112.58 bouquet of roses because he misread the sign on the outside of the flower store. He and Nehemiah joke that they've been out so long, Melinda might think he's ditched her.

"If that happens," says Danny, "I'll punch her in the ovaries." Gosh, that would hurt. In a physical way, of course. Not like being punched in the soul on national TV. That would really hurt. But that would never happen. Not on MTV, the network that brought you Irene's descent into lime-disease madness.

Nehemiah does a very funny parody of the Visa "Priceless" commercials detailing all the money Danny has spent on his big date. Roses, $112.58! Spending time with Nehemiah: Priceless! He is our favorite!

The guys finally return to the house, and Danny gives the flowers to Melinda. There are hugs and kisses. Johanna hollers from the kitchen that Danny should call his dad, and that it's important.

Danny goes into the living room and calls his dad. Transcript below:

Dad: I have some bad news. Your mom died this morning, Dan.

Danny: What?

Dad: She had a heart attack, they think. At 11 O'Clock. We didn't find out til 12 O'Clock.

Danny starts weeping.

Dad: I know it's not the way to tell you, but I had to tell you.

Danny: Tell me you're joking!

Danny's dad starts weeping.

Danny: Dad! Don't play! Don't play! Dad, you're lying!

Dad: I'm not lying, Dan!

Nehemiah notices that Danny is sobbing, and calls for Melinda. Danny hangs up on his dad and stumbles over to Nehemiah and throws his arms around him. He is sobbing into Nehemiah's shoulder while Melinda stands next to them, somewhat awkwardly. Danny cries and cries and cries, while Nehemiah essentially holds him and rocks him back and forth. It pains us to say this, but it was actually a very touching scene of male-on-male compassion. Tyler Durden would be proud.

Eventually, Danny runs out of the house in tears. Lacey goes into the kitchen to tell the other girls what has happened, because she is unable to keep her mouth shut about anything. They stand around pondering how much it must suck to lose your mother, and how it is way worse than like, your grandmother. Because your mom is there all the time. They also comment on how Danny seems unable to catch a break. First, he got skullfucked by a fist. Then, Melinda made out with Wes. Then, his mom died. All in the span of only seven episodes!

An aside:

From our Episode 3 Recap:

Danny then explains that his mom was an alcoholic and that he doesn't see her anymore. Our spidersense is tingling about Danny's mom, as it seems she's getting a lot of airplay for someone he never speaks to. Prediction: IMMINENT DEATH SYNDROME.

When our mom said, "You'll never get a job by playing all those videogames," she was right. But when she said "You'll never be able to predict the future by watching all those reality television shows," she was totally wrong! Burn, mom! BURN!

Melinda goes out to find Danny curled in a ball, sobbing on the front porch of the house. She says she's trying to be "a huge suport system" for him. "You can't blame yourself," she says.

"I should have been home!" he says.

There's a shot of Nehemiah in his bedroom, praying. "Life takes turns when you don't want it to take turns," he says. "Tomorrow is not promised."

See why we like him?

Danny comes back inside and calls one of his sisters. "I hate this place!" he sobs. "I shoulda been home!"

"No! She wouldn't want you anywhere else," says his sister.

"I didn't get to say goodbye," says Danny.

"You talked to her just the other night," says his sister.

The screen goes black and white. Danny sits on the couch in the living room, talking on the phone. His mother, who sounds either very frail, or very drunk, says how nice it is to hear from him, and that she loves him. Danny says, "Yup," and hangs up.

Add, "MTV recorded his last words to his mother, and it was him brushing off her love, and then they broadcast it on international television," to the list of ways Danny can't catch a break.

When we got married, many years ago during a tornado that carried a plague of locusts, and the judge asked us, "Do you, Ben Brown, take this tiny shrew of a woman who berates you constantly and refuses to have sex to be your lawfully wedded wife," we also said, "Yup." Trust us: "Yup," no matter how enthusiastically you say it, is never the right answer when matters of love are involved.

Danny and Melinda, who in our humble opinion we have seen far too little of during this season, talk in the bedroom while Danny prepares to go home for the funeral. He apologizes to her for ruining Valentine's Day. Really, it was his mom that ruined it, but we'll let his inaccuracy slide, because, you know, his mom just died.

Danny then begins sobbing again about how he is a total failure as a son, and that he will never forgive himself. He should totally become a goth, because then he could turn all this self loathing into a fashion statement, and people would think it was cool and ironic instead of weird and self loathing. But we have to admit, his heartfelt sobbing made us weep a little bit ourselves.

We are lying, of course. However, we would like to take this opportunity to say that we love our mom, and also our dad. Now, we have recorded it for posterity, and our grandkids will know that even though our parents will eventually die, at least we wrote about how we loved them in a recap of a reality television show that like, 20 whole people read.

A car arrives to take Danny to the airport. Melinda rides with him, just like she did when he took a cab to the hospital. The snuggle in the back seat. This is purely transitional footage, and has no import. They arrive at the airport, and Melinda gives him a kiss goodbye. The episode ends as Danny walks into the airport to return to Boston. "I don't want to have to go home," he says. "I don't want to bury my mom."

Next week, on The Real World: More sobbing! Lots and lots of sobbing! And then, shots of Jaeger!

Read Austinist's recaps of previous episodes of The Real World :Austin!

The Real World: Austin is fresh every Tuesday at 9pm CST. We'll recap each episode the very next morning.